CommodoreHUSTLE 005 - Street Transcript

Transcript for commodoreHUSTLE 005 - Street

{Shot of a window, looking out onto the night sky. Overlay: "Episode Five: STREET". Graham walks in, talking on the phone, and places an award trophy on the sill next to several others, and closes the curtains.}

GRAHAM: {on phone} Yeah, it's pretty awesome, I've gotta say. And, y'know, we've got the office space now. We're moving the costumes in there, and so long as we're all on board, I think we can do something really cool with the site. Yeah. Just gotta make sure we all, y'know, can get along though. {chuckles} I'm pretty sure Matt's gonna kill Kathleen next time he sees her. 'Cause I told him it was all her idea, I'm not an idiot. Haha, lol, yes. Anyway, I G-T-G, I'm gonna go ass-pwn some Saints Row 2. Uh, no, I don't really feel like playing co-op tonight. OK. I love you too, mom. Alright, bye.

{Graham hangs up and picks up his Saints Row 2 box. Underneath it is a LoadingReadyRun Season 4 DVD box. which he also picks up. He looks at the two, thinking heavily. Roll the commodoreHUSTLE titles, with all the characters replaced with recreations of them in Saints Row 2. Cut to an outside shot of the new office building, and then a shot of the door to the office itself. Then cut to inside the office – Paul is carrying a lot of costumes, and goes to put them on two racks they have, but which are completely full. Graham is adjusting the costumes that are already on the racks, and James is supervising.}

PAUL: OK. We are gonna need more clothing racks.

GRAHAM: Wow.

JAMES: Here, let me check to see if someone's selling some nearby. {pulls out iPhone}

GRAHAM: What, on the iPhone?

JAMES: Yeah, I bought this auction app, that geotags your location, and searches for nearby sellers.

GRAHAM: Huh. Hey, is there a pedometer app? Kathleen's been looking for one.

JAMES: Oh, yeah, it's called iPedo.

PAUL: {laughing} Wow, that is awkward. Apple's quality control is really slipping.

GRAHAM: Yeah, what's next? An iPedobear app?

PAUL: Heh, nice.

JAMES: Oh, dude, iPedoBear app is awesome. It tells you how far from any bears you are, and how many calories you'll burn while running away. Now check out this interface, it's so intuitive.

{James shows the other two his phone.}

GRAHAM: How many geotagged bears are there?

JAMES: 37. But, y'know, they're rolling out the system, so...

PAUL: Why would somebody look at their iPhone when they're running away from a bear?

GRAHAM: Yeah, what's next? An app that's just Steve Jobs laughing at you for buying it?

{In answer, James flicks through his apps and opens one up – it's just a shot of Steve Jobs's face, crudely animated to be laughing, on a loop.}

GRAHAM: Wow. Why would you spend five dollars on that?

JAMES: Dude, why wouldn't I spend five dollars on this? It's awesome! And you can change it to Phil Schiller, but...

PAUL and GRAHAM: Eh.

JAMES: Yeah. Well, how big do you want these racks?

GRAHAM: Right! Um... {hunts around in his pockets} I forgot my tape measure at home. I'll go back and get it. {Walking between the other two} Make a hole. Thank you.

{As Graham leaves, James pulls a tape measure out of his pocket and shows it to Paul.}

PAUL: Why'd you let him leave?

JAMES: Check it out. {pulls out iPhone again} I wanted to test this app that lets you track your friends.

PAUL: Alright, what's this one called?

JAMES: Uh, iStalkU.

PAUL: That's not really a clever pun.

JAMES: No, it's really just a tool for stalkers. Check it out, it works for Windows, too. Bill's listening to music right now.

{Cut to Bill, who is watching a clip of Tupac - Hit 'Em Up on YouTube.}

BILL: {singing along} Grab your glocks when you see Tupac... Call the cops when you see Tupac...

{Morgan walks past the room, then returns, disturbed.}

MORGAN: Are you singing Tupac?

BILL: Yeah. I like music that comes from the heart, and his heart just happens to be in the chest of a gangster.

MORGAN: Pfff. Tupac? He's double gangster at best. I'm sextuple gangster. Double gangster is so 1993.

BILL: You. A gangster.

MORGAN: Yeah. I mean, on the Internet. Ladies love me, and I have the power to crush my enemies! ... On the Internet!

BILL: You're not a gangster. You're whiter than mashed potatoes, cauliflower and haddock.

MORGAN: Mrenh?

BILL: I'm hungry.

MORGAN: No, no... what's haddock?

BILL: White fish.

MORGAN: You seem to know an awful lot about fish for someone who isn't Chinese.

BILL: Chinese? People of all races catch and sell fish.

MORGAN: No way, dude. I've seen movies. Have you ever seen a non-Chinese fish market?

BILL: Have you ever seen a non-Kung-Fu movie?

MORGAN: No. Maybe... probably... I've seen someone watching one, for sure.

BILL: So what you're telling me is ignorance is a requirement for being an Internet gangster?

MORGAN: If rap music has taught us anything, it's that ignorance is the key to success as a gangster.

BILL: {sighing} I am going to kill you.

MORGAN: You can't step to this. Dutch people represent!

BILL: Dutch people?

MORGAN: Yeah man, Dutch people slay. Did you know that hollandaise sauce was originally just Dutch semen? What you find now is the closest possible non-semen facsimile.

BILL: Ew.

{Wipe to Jer, with Dale and Ryan, conferring over a map on grid paper with some D&D miniatures.}

JER: Alright, so, floor plan of the house. Assuming Bill constitutes a large-size creature {indicates one of the larger miniatures} he gets a +4 cover bonus to AC vs ranged attacks if any square he occupies constitutes cover.

RYAN: In 3.0. In 3.5 we draw lines corner to corner, which is frankly more trouble than it's worth. Still, that's a −3 for most parts of the house, not promising.

DALE: Area of Effect wouldn't need an attack roll. How about a maximized glyph of warding, for 40 points of acid damage!

JER: Glyphs of warding are kind of expensive...

RYAN: Yeah, 17 thousand might be a little over budget, and I don't have any 11th level clerics on speed dial.

DALE: Hmm... big bag of death?

RYAN: Brilliant! Touch attack to the square, and way, way cheaper.

JER: I like it. Emphasis on the acid in the bag, and it's good. Now, Morgan. {indicates another miniature} Tripwire into a pit? The landlord is on the floor below them, but I could talk to him about renovating.

DALE: Could we fill the pit with acid?

{Dale is unreasonably excited by this suggestion, but the other two look at him, slightly disturbed.}

DALE: What?

{Whip tilt to Matt and Graham's place, to Matt's Transformers shelf. One shelf has Transformers back on it already, and Matt is in the process of replacing the Transformers on the other shelf.}

MATT: This little Prime went to Cybertron. This little Prime stayed home. This little Prime had Energon. This little Prime had none. And this little Prime went "pew! pew! pew!" and disintegrated Megatron into space dust. ... All the way home.

{Graham walks in}

GRAHAM: Hey, Matt. I just forgot my tape measure for measuring the... {notices the Transformers} Where did you get all those Transformers from? Did you buy them all back?

MATT: No, you guys just sold my display copies, I keep doubles.

GRAHAM: {rubbing his forehead} Ow... Sorry, you what?

MATT: Yeah, I've got a whole storage unit full of them, down at that parkade on Broughton Street.

GRAHAM: I thought that was a toy shop...

MATT: Exactly. The perfect cover.

{Whip pan to the toy shop. Matt walks in, wearing a very inconspicuous coat. B, the shopkeeper, has a Transformers box on the counter.}

B: Good afternoon, Mr Wiggins. Here to check out our latest acquisition?

MATT: {examining the box} Ah. Good. Good.

{Whip pan back to the apartment.}

GRAHAM: Matt, I've bought things at that toy shop.

MATT: Well, were any of them Transformers?

GRAHAM: No, they were Battle Beasts.

MATT: Then the system works. I will, of course, ask for your discretion with this knowledge.

GRAHAM: OK, sure, now that it doesn't matter that we sold your Primes, I have no problem keeping that on the DL.

MATT: {calmly} Oh, I'm still very, very angry. What you're seeing now is simply a pleasant veneer, masking my barely-contained nerd rage.

GRAHAM: Ooh. Better warn Kathleen.

MATT: {suddenly angry} She's in town?

GRAHAM: Um... {several beats, while he figures out how to answer} ... yes. No! Dammit, even thought about it.

MATT: Where?

GRAHAM: Matt, I don't, uh...

{Matt picks up a NES Zapper, and holds Graham against the wall, with the faux gun pointing up at his neck. The screen goes desaturated and grainy, and moves into widescreen.}

MATT: Choose your next words carefully.

GRAHAM: That gun's not even loaded.

{Matt fires the gun past Graham's head into the Kitchen. There is a flash, and some NES explosion sound-effects. Matt returns to pointing the gun at Graham's head.}

GRAHAM: You wouldn't.

MATT: Try me.

GRAHAM: She's... she's at the office with Paul and James.

{There is a beat while Matt decides what to do... finally he releases Graham and storms out. The colours and screen return to normal as Graham collapses off the wall.}

GRAHAM: Um, Matt, if you're going back down there, can I at least get a ride with you? Dickweed!

{Whip tilt back to the office. Kathleen is showing Paul and James her iPhone.}

KATHLEEN: So it's called iPedoBear, and it lets you see how—

{Matt storms in.}

MATT: Kathleen! One shall stand, and one shall fall.

KATHLEEN: Excuse me?

MATT: It's just you and me, Kathleen.

PAUL: Uh, no, but... hey, Matt.

MATT: Oh, sorry. Paul. James.

JAMES: No no, no, it's just you and Kathleen.

MATT: Well, it is. She knows what she did.

KATHLEEN: Got this shirt on sale?

MATT: No...

KATHLEEN: Ran 5k in under 25 minutes?

MATT: You sold all my Transformers!

KATHLEEN: Oh, that. {dismissively} It was for the greater good. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the nerdy.

MATT: That isn't how it goes at all!

PAUL: Matt, why are you so mad? You told me that those were all your doubles.

KATHLEEN: His what?

JAMES: What? Why do people tell you everything?

PAUL: I'm a good listener.

JAMES: Unless, of course, someone tells you not to fuck with their shit.

PAUL: Speaking of which, I saw your flash lying over there...

JAMES: Oh, no.

PAUL: ... and it wasn't, like, locked down, or anything...

JAMES: Paul...

PAUL: ... and so I thought I might improve it!

JAMES: Fuck! Paul!

{James goes to pick up his camera and see what the damage is. As he does, Jer walks in.}

JER: Hey guys, how's—

{James's flash goes off pointed at Jer, who is suddenly blinded.}

JER: Holy fuck!

JAMES: Dammit, Paul, that doesn't help me at all.

PAUL: What? Why not? More light is always better.

JAMES: Not if your subject can't see afterwards.

JER: I can see just fine, Mr Purpley Dot Man, I'm...

{Matt guides Jer over a safe place by the wall.}

JER: Thanks, Kathleen.

{Morgan and Bill walk in.}

MORGAN: Jer, why the hell did you build a vinegar pit in our house?

JER: I couldn't afford acid. I mean... sorry, who built what in your house?

BILL: We know it was you. Who else would try to build a gelatinous cube in our bathroom?

MORGAN: "Try" being the operative word. The landlord lives in the basement, by the way.

BILL: He's not thrilled.

JER: Ah. I had it on good account he was out of town. So, sorry, totally my bad.

KATHLEEN: What the hell, Jer? What happened to our plan?

JER: Uh, your plan. It didn't work.

{Whip pan to Morgan, sleeping on a matress in his cleaned-out room. Her walks onto the porch and blows the horn, to no effect. Jump cut to Jer trying the horn again right up against the window – still no response. Jump cut again to Jer standing directly over Morgan and honking it right into his ear, with no response. He then swings back with the horn as if about to attack with it, and whip pan back to the office.}

JAMES: {pulling out a pen} Dude, Sharpie.

MORGAN: Not cool, James.

{Morgan runs over and tries to grab the pen, but James lifts up his camera and activates the flash at him. Paul, at the same time, puts on sunglasses.}

MORGAN: Augh! Tits! What the hell!

JAMES: Huh. Well, maybe I'll get some use out of it.

PAUL: I still don't see what the issue is.

MATT: Uh, guys, the issue is that Kathleen, here, sold all my Transformers to pay for this place!

{At this, arguments break out between everyone in the office, all talking over each other. Graham walks in, and sees the chaos.}

GRAHAM: {yelling} OK!

{At this, everyone shuts up except Matt.}

MATT: ... and just because Hieronymus Prime got the Matrix of Leadership doesn't make him the best leader they've ever had!

GRAHAM: Emergency LoadingReadyRun meeting, everybody.

JER: Did you just get here?

GRAHAM: Matt wouldn't give me a ride, because his car is gay.

KATHLEEN: Hey, don't use "gay" as a pejorative.

GRAHAM: No, I mean that his car is the colour and model that a homosexual would drive, and so he doesn't like giving me a ride, because we look like a couple.

{Whip pan to Graham, standing at a bus stop, looking at his watch.}

GRAHAM: Dammit. {pulls out phone and dials} Hey, Matt? I missed my bus, can I get a ride to work? I'm gonna be late...

MATT: {over phone} Oh, sorry dude, I'm already downtown.

{Graham turns around, and sees Matt, in his car, pulling past Graham, and driving away. Whip pan back to the office.}

KATHLEEN: Wow, Matt. You deserve to have your Transformers sold.

GRAHAM: No no, I'm with him on this. It's the same reason I don't go to the hospital with Morgan any more. Alright, everyone have a seat. OK, so, we've all learned a lot from video games over the years. For example, I've learned that talking through your problems isn't necessarily as effective as just hitting someone very hard.

JER: Actually, I find that—

{Morgan punches Jer in the arm.}

JER: Ow!

{We now cut to a montage of people sitting in Graham's chair, and talking.}

BILL: I've learned that a team of annoying prima-donna slackers is better than no team at all.

MORGAN: I've learned that if something isn't nailed down, it's meant to be taken!

PAUL: Always upgrade your skills.

JER: You can score more hits by starting a new task before completing the previous one.

MATT: The reward is in the struggle, not the victory.

JAMES: Driving on the wrong side of the road makes you go faster.

PAUL: Always upgrade your equipment.

KATHLEEN: Exploit your enemies' weaknesses for massive damage.

JER: Insurmountable challenges are fun for people you can manipulate.

GRAHAM: Talking to people multiple times can reveal more about their character.

PAUL: Always upgrade other people's equipment.

BILL: Better the n00b you know than the n00b you don't.

GRAHAM: Talking to people multiple times can reveal more about their character.

JAMES: {offscreen} You just said that.

GRAHAM: Talking to people multiple–

MATT: You get a great sense of satisfaction from completing a set of items.

PAUL: Always upgrade any equipment that you see lying around.

{Montage ends.}

GRAHAM: Most recently, I've learned the importance of having each others' back. Of brotherhood, and to a lesser extent, sisterhood. Of a unified goal, and working together until we reach it. Lady and gentlemen, we... are going to form a street gang.

PAUL: We are?

GRAHAM: I would have talked to you first, Paul, but I knew you'd agree.

PAUL: Yeah, you're probably right.

KATHLEEN: I don't know if "street gang" is the image we want to be putting forward for LoadingReadyRun...

PAUL: Well, according to local bylaws, a group of 5 or more people congregating after dark is a street gang.

GRAHAM: Exactly. So this is really more like making it official.

MORGAN: See, Bill? We've been unintentionally thugging for years.

PAUL: That's how you know you're a real thug.

BILL: I have been identifying with Tupac a lot more, recently...

GRAHAM: Fantastic. It's settled then. Everyone: welcome to the Runners.

{Cut to a couple of panning shots over the crew, all looking contemplative or excited about the idea. Then cut to Geoff, at the back of the video store, reading the LoadingReadyRun forums.}

GEOFF: {reading, mockingly} "Great video, guys"... "Great camerawork, guys"... "I like the part where Graham gets kicked in the balls!" Philistines!

{Geoff turns to Tim, who is taking stock of the videos on a nearby shelf.}

GEOFF: They know nothing about real humour! They're just pandering to the lowest common denominator! When I suggested they do some real, intelligent comedy, they laughed at me!

{Whip pan out to Geoff, in the video store, handing a script to Graham and Paul.}

GEOFF: So, the script you're about to read is essentially Ulysses.

GRAHAM: {taking the script} Huh.

PAUL: I'm not sure extended James Joyce allusions are really what the Internet is going for.

GRAHAM: Yeah, the Internet as a whole is more of a kick in the balls sort of person. {mimes such on Paul}

{Whip pan back to the back room.}

TIM: By the sound of that story, the problem's actually that they didn't laugh at you.

GEOFF: Well... technically, yes, but they will pay for not laughing at me. They will pay!

TIM: How dare they take you seriously.

GEOFF: No, I want them to take me seriously, while laughing at me.

TIM: Shouldn't they be laughing with you?

GEOFF: At my jokes. They should be laughing at my... Y'know what? Don't worry about it.

TIM: You're burying the hatchet already? That's really mature of you.

{Tim returns to taking stock, while Geoff takes a beat to regain his composure after this conversation, and returns to his computer.}

GEOFF: Wait a minute... {goes to YouTube} This is gonna be awesome.

{Cut to a montage of the newly-named Runners putting on their outfits – various mismatched clothes in blue and black. The montage continues with shots of the crew walking down streets and posing beside walls, ending in a series of shots of each member making gestures at the camera with their name overlaid on the screen, similarly to the opening titles, and finally a shot of Graham and Paul admiring the Runners logo spraypainted onto a wall. Cut to the crew in a fenced-off carpark.}

GRAHAM: What you got? This city can't step to us!

PAUL: What if a real street gang comes and tries to step to us?

JER: Yeah, the only shivs we'll have are the ones they'll leave inside our organs.

GRAHAM: Then we'll run. It's what we do.

{A gunshot is heard in the distance, and the crew breaks up and runs off in all different directions.}