Crafting with Skeletons Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Crafting with Skeletons
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Hey everybody, it's Fall Dump and we are all autumnal illnesses. I am puh-nemonia, which is no joking matter. It kills dozens of puh-tarmagins every year. {MUGS} Joining me this week is SADS,
Kathleen: {ANGRILY} Grrrr!
Graham: Wait, you have seasonal affective disorder?
Kathleen: No, it's Sun Asskicking Do Soon!
Graham: And the common cold.
Tally: {BLOWS NOSE INTO TISSUE}
Graham: {DUCKING UNDER JERSEY} Okay, Feed Dump time!
{TITLE: OTHER COMMON FALL ILLNESSES: DERP LUNG, CROOP, LESSER FUCKTONTWIP, FALLING DOWN STAIR. ALSO: BLACK ANUS/BLACK ANUS IS THE WORST!}
Graham: Now this story may sound familiar to regular Feed Dump viewers, but it is not the same story again which we have done before. But no, this is a new story that's very very similar to an old one: Some people were cleaning out a house and they were moving some Halloween decorations and they were like "Look at these funny skulls! {MIMES HOLDING SKULLS THEN FROWNS AND SHAKES ONE NEXT TO HIS EAR} Oh, these are real skulls."
Kathleen: Ever like clean out your attic and like pulled down your Halloween decorations and go "Yes, look upon my work, ye mighty, and despair."
Tally: Yes, but I'm directing that towards Martha Stewart specifically. {SHAKES HEAD} Fuck you, bitch, my bunting is twice as good as yours.
Kathleen: No word of lie, every party I decorate my house for, I find an excuse to make and put up bunting. There's something about bunting that uh, activates that long-dead joy receptor in my heart and I'm like "yeah!"
Graham: It really puts a festive twist on Anzac Day.
Tally: Ooh, ooh, Kathleen! Let's have a party that's just a bunting party. We'll put up all the bunting all at once and it'll be a party about celebrating bunting.
Kathleen: Maybe that's why these people were collecting those skulls! I mean, you need a lot of stuff to make bunting, so they're getting a slow start to their skull bunting party! {THROWS UP HANDS} So festive!
{SHOT OF TALLY AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. TALLY IS HOLDING A PLASTIC PROP SKULL AND KATHLEEN HAS A SMALL PLASTIC SKELETON}
Tally: Welcome to Home Decor with Kathleen and Tally. Today we're going to give you some exciting tips on how to decorate your home with these lovely, whimsical and trendy skulls and other human parts.
Kathleen: First, start with the skeleton of a toddler.
Tally: Now most people would throw something like this away or bury it, but that's so wasteful. We don't need to add that to our landfills. We can do something with this!
Kathleen: Although, we can compost all the organics around the outside of the toddler.
Tally: Let's be green!
Graham: {UNCOMFORTABLY} I don't think I'm okay with this.
{SHOT OF TALLY AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. TALLY IS HOLDING A PLASTIC PROP SKULL AND KATHLEEN HAS A SMALL PLASTIC SKELETON}
Tally: Now when the neighborhood committee for Best House comes along, you need to beat that nasty Annie Schulenburger next door, so get creative! This skull, for example, could make a wonderful centerpiece or even a candle holder! Kathleen has another example. You could make a beautiful table runner.
Kathleen: First, you need the skeleton of a child. I suggest Annie Schulenburger's.
Graham: If anyone's still watching, uh, the skulls are with the authorities who are investigating them to determine if someone did a crime.
Tally: Not a crime, Graham. A craft.
Graham: Moving on... Hey everybody, it's a Feed Dump follow-up: Remember a couple of years ago when we reported that your favorite ex-patriot royalty, the Princess of Romania, who lives in Oregon and was charged with running a cock-fighting ring? They've been sentenced! Three years probation, they have to sell the ranch where the cock-fighting happened, and give two hundred thousand dollars of the sale to, I guess, the government... because roosters died, I guess.
Kathleen: {GASPS, PUTS HANDS ON CHEEKS} My Romanian Princess senses are tingling! {THE ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN APPEARS ON HER HEAD, HARP PLAYS IN BACKGROUND}
Tally: What a cock-up. She really should have just flown the coop back to Romania the minute this whole thing started and then she'd be crowing about her victory over the US government.
Kathleen: {WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} My first act as Princess of Romania will be to have Tally put to death for those puns. {LAUGHS}
Graham: Attention, Feed Dump viewers! Alright, I'm gonna pass this hat around, {HOLDS UP GREEN BOWLER HAT AND PASSES IT TO TALLY OFFSCREEN} Lord knows we have enough. I need you all to be generous with your money, put it in there. If we raise about a million dollars, we can buy... an entire town in the US.
Kathleen: {WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} Go on!
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} The Romania story's over, you can stop wearing the crown.
Kathleen: {WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} No! My crown! {SULKS}
Tally: How much is the stretch goal to add health care?
Graham: OOOOOHHHHHH! Well, no one's gonna wanna buy it now that it's been BURNED TO THE GROUND!!
Kathleen: {NO LONGER WEARING ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} Who runs Bartertown?! With a million bucks on Kickstarter, I RUN BARTERTOWN!!
Graham: It's actually Johnsonville, Connecticut, not, ahem, Bartertown. No word yet on whether or not Master Blaster runs Johnsonville, Connecticut, but it is up for auction. {READS FROM BLACK iPHONE 6} Bidding opened at eight hundred thousand dollars for a sixty-two acre city, uh, actually- Ooh, we're up to 1.1 million now, oh boy, we gotta raisin' this money.
Tally: {COUNTING ON FINGERS} Buy some flower seeds, find a talking raccoon, get a bank loan- {GASPS} I can make all of my Animal Crossing dreams a reality!
Kathleen: Pfft! Animal Crossing... Dude, we can finally see what happens when you like build a big gigantic circular ring-road around town and then you take off all the exits and just fill the center with nuclear power plants. MY SIMCITY HELL ON EARTH WILL FINALLY BE A REALITY!!! {BURSTS INTO EVIL LAUGHTER} Kickstarter money now, please!
Graham: What's wrong with you?!
Kathleen: Oh, I-I got new lipstick.
Tally: It really brings out your evil.
Kathleen: {TOUCHED} Thank you!
Graham: {READING FROM iPHONE 6} 'Kay, the town includes, uh, "various Victorian and Colonial style homes, a restaurant, a general store, a one-room school house, a chapel and it's all set along the picturesque Moodus River."
{SHOT OF TALLY AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}
Kathleen: That's nice and all, but does it have a Craft beer bar?
Tally: A fabric store?
Kathleen: A good coffee shop?
Tally: Or at least a Starbucks.
Kathleen: A Michelin-star restaurant?
Tally: Or three. We'll settle for three.
Kathleen: She'll settle for three.
Graham: No! It ain't got shit! It's abandoned! That's why it's for sale!
{SHOT OF TALLY AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA}
Tally: {WHISPERS TO KATHLEEN} Okay, so uh, we-we take the million dollars, and we just book it to Paris.
Kathleen: I like this plan, let's go.
Tally: Awesome!
{THEY BOTH GET OFF THE SOFA AND RUN OFF STAGE RIGHT.}
Tally: {OFFSCREEN} Ooh! {COMES BACK INTO SHOT, SNATCHES UP PURPLE SCARF} We need our scarves. {GOES OFFSCREEN AGAIN}
Kathleen: {COMES INTO SHOT, HOLDING PLASTIC SKELETON} And our skeletons! {GOES OFFSCREEN}
Graham: You're sure you don't both have the common cold, 'cos you seem like basic bitches?
Kathleen: {MOVES INTO SHOT, GLARING AT GRAHAM} I will END YOU!
Graham: I thought you were in Paris.
Kathleen: {HISSES AT GRAHAM, MOVES OUT OF SHOT}
Graham: {FROWNS, THEN SHRUGS} Well, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, BUT! They don't have this hat, {PUTS ON BLUE RAINBOW DASH WINGED FEZ} which is gonna make me go very fast! And possibly take flight. I'm not entirely sure what the transit property of... a fez with wings to ability to fly, but I choose to believe it works. {SLOWLY RISES UP FROM HIS CHAIR}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: After blowing your nose, do you ever like open up the Kleenex and go "Yes, look upon my work, ye mighty, and despair."
