Drugs, Drugs, Drugs Transcript

Transcript for Drugs, Drugs, Drugs

Transcript

Miss Rahn: All righty, detention, please welcome Officer Ruska who's here to give you a very special and very mandatory talk about drugs.

Officer Ruska: Thank you, Miss Rahn. All right class, school year’s wrapping up. You got summer ahead of you full of possibilities like avoiding work and getting teen pregnant. That's why I'm here today to give you the hard facts about hard drugs. Now, hands up how many of you have done the marijuana? [the students glance at each other confused and bored]

Officer Ruska: None of you? Interesting because recent studies show that 11 out of 10 high school students have tried the “Doobie Mac” (if in double-quotes, they do the finger quotes) before grade 12.

Student in yellow-green shirt: Mr. Ruska-

Officer Ruska: Officer.

Student in yellow-green shirt: -11 out of 10 isn't a thing?

Officer Ruska: Now some of you may not believe this study. I didn't at first, partially due to its sizable margin of error, but the study's not what's important. What's important is drug education. The fact is more and more places are legalizing “them dank nugs” and as we all know the “green stinkweed” is a gateway drug.

[the students groan and react with incredulousness]

Officer Ruska: Oh sure, that's the reaction I usually get, but the fact is if you take even one hit of “the merry jams” you will smoke meth and die.

Student in yellow-green shirt: What?

Officer Ruska: Ah! You've heard of meth have you? “Crystal”? “Ice”? ”Bryan Cranston”? Well, maybe you knew it by some of its other street names too! Hawaiian Punch. Earth, Wind, & Ice. Meth-busters. The Crystalline Entity. The Methly Hollows. Rocks. Riggidy Rocks. The School of Hard Rocks. The Crystal Method Featuring Fat Boy Slim. The Meth-der Mash.

[Student in the green polo and blue hoodie raises their hand]

Student in the green polo: I don't think those are real.

Officer Ruska: Oh! So, you're the expert now?!

Student in the green polo: Wh-, no, but-

Officer Ruska: Well son, when your ears have fallen off and you have hair growing out of your teeth because you thought it'd be okay to smoke a meth or two then you tell me if it's real. Which brings me to cocaine. Cocaine. China White. Thailand White. Burma White. Burma Shave. A Cup of Icing Sugar. The White Kight that Knocks Twice. Speed.

Student in yellow-green shirt: Wait. That's a differe-

Officer Ruska: Speed 2 Cruise Control. Coke, Kahk. Gahk. Cthewack. Nose Candy. Happy Nose Times. The Nostril Avenger. Sinus Slam. Good-bye Septum [with jazz hands].

Student in a blue collared shirt: I'm pretty sure these aren't real now I haven’t heard any of them.

Officer Ruska: Oh, another expert junior grade drug dealer, are you? You know every drug because you've got an entire catalog of them coursing through your body?! Huh? There's no place in your world for any new street names? Hmm?Student in a blue collared shirt: Noo, but-

Officer Ruska: No! Because you're not outthere on all fours every day fightingthis war on drugs.

Student in yellow-green shirt: On all fours?Officer Ruska: To fight the drugs I have to get close to the streets how else am I gonna stop all those syringes of ecstasy from being smuggled into your school

Student in the green polo: Ecstasy? Really?

Officer Ruska: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess Miss Rahn and I are the only ones here who know it by that name.

Miss Rahn on her phone: What? No.

Officer Ruska: But maybe you've heard of King-Size Pillow Top. The Cocoon Devil. Farquhar Cat Prints.

Student in yellow-green shirt: Okay. You must have made that one up.

Officer Ruska: You can't make up the streets!

Student in the green polo: That doesn't make sense.

Officer Ruska: That's another street name for ecstasy.

Student in the green polo: What, “You-Can't-Make-Up-The-Streets”?

Officer Ruska: Yes. It's hyphenated.

Student in yellow-green shirt: Uh, Miss Rahn? Miss Rahn using a knife to pick at her fingernails: Pay attention.

Officer Ruska: You don't get it, do you? You're knee-deep in Lutes. Barb’s. Debbie's. Horsey Party Time. Magic Fungus. Moby Nash. Blue Nose Schooner. Secretariat. Umgph-[click tongue]-flom.

Student in green polo: That wasn't even a real word!

Officer Ruska: You think they don't have drugs outside of North America, you racist! And that's not all. PCP. CFCs. ABCs.

[Student in yellow-green shirt raises hand]

Officer Ruska: CBGBs. What?

Student in yellow-green shirt: How many of these drugs have you done yourself?

Officer Ruska: When? Today?

[Student in yellow-green shirt lowers hand]

Student in the green polo: Miss Rahn…?

Miss Rahn drinking wine: Noooope.

Officer Ruska: So what did you learn today my future crackheads of America.

Student in yellow-green shirt: Oh! Hey, that's a real drug!

Officer Ruska: It's the realest drug out there. And it'll kill you! They'll all kill you! So don't do them or I will!

Student in the green polo raising hand: You'll do the drugs or you'll kill us?

[Officer Ruska does the two finger watching you motion]

Student in yellow-green shirt: Miss Rahnn...

Miss Rahn with a wine glass on the table lighting a bong: Oh my god, what?!

[Credits roll: See Drugs, Drugs, Drugs ]

[two students outside in front of what appears to be a school on the sidewalk]

Student in the green polo: You know, he kind of has a point.

Student in yellow-green shirt: What? What do you mean?

Student in the green polo: Well, if we hadn't done all those drugs we might have actually graduated on time.

Student in yellow-green shirt: Huh. Yeah, you might be right. Hm. You wanna smoke a bowl?

Student in the green polo: Yeah, meet you in Miss Rahn's office?

Student in yellow-green shirt: Cool.

Student in green polo: Cool.

[they walk away from each other in opposite directions]

Transcription Credits

Transcript by: knittinginbinary, knittinginbinary@gmail.com