Eyewitness Accounts Transcript

Transcript for Eyewitness Accounts

Transcript

{Scene opens as Claire Standish (played by Kathleen) opens her front door}

Reporter [Graham]: Excuse me, madam. Can we come in and ask you some questions about the events of earlier this afternoon?

Claire: Uh, sure. Come on in.

{Caption: EYEWITNESS ACCOUNTS}

{Claire sits down on her sofa. The bottom of the screen reads "Claire Standish" and underneath her name "Twin Oaks Mall Customer"}

Claire: Well, I was going to the mall to buy some-

{Quickly cuts to Joe Reeves (played by Bill) in the Warehouse Furniture Warehouse. Bottom of the screen reads "Joe Reeves" and underneath "Clerk - Warehouse Furniture Warehouse"}

Joe: Deck furniture, I think. We were, uh, having a sale on it, yeah, and she had a kind of uh-

{Cuts back to Claire}

Claire: Red jacket and a, uh... Oh, a-

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas (played by Ben and Adam respectively). Bottom of the screen reads "Eddie and Lucas" and underneath "Pi Beta Gamera"}

Lucas: Welding mask. Wasn't it?

Eddie: No dude, those were goggles. And it was the other guy, the one who was-

{Cuts to Andrew Clark (played by Alex)}

Andrew: Working on repairing the skylight. It was-

{Cuts to Rex Manning (played by Jer) while Joe sits in the background}

Rex: Taking forever. He told me it would only be an hour or-

{Cuts back to Andrew. Bottom of the screen reads "Andrew Clark" and underneath "Baysidefair Mall Superintendent"}

Andrew: Three. I'm, I'm not a miracle worker and besides, customers kept asking me-

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: Where the deck furniture was, and he had-

{Cuts to Rex. Bottom of the screen reads "Rex Manning" and underneath "Manager - Warehouse Furniture Warehouse"}

Rex: No idea what he was doing, clearly. But I was dealing with some loiterers who were-

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Lucas: Unjustly removed from the premises. Dude, I'm right.

Eddie: Yeah.

Lucas: So then we just went on the side and sat by this big-

{Cuts to Joe}

Joe: {indicates with his hands} Round-

{Cuts to Herschel Lebowitz (played by Andy) with a dog on his lap}

Herschel: Globe thing, I don't know. It looked like it was made out of-

{Cuts to Adam Horovowski (played by Paul). Bottom of the screen reads "Adam Horovowski" and underneath "Architect and Conceptual Artist"}

Adam: 100% recycled plastic bottles. I intended the {air-quotes} "Global Warning" to be a commentary on what we're doing to the environment. Also, they were cheap.

{Cuts to Corey Mason (played by Nathan). Bottom of the screen reads "Corey Mason and underneath "MTI Security"}

Corey: So as near as I could figure, some guy was trying to vandalize the-

{Cuts to Herschel}

Herschel: Sculpture, I guess you call it. This guy-

{Cuts to John Bender (played by Morgan) wearing prison attire and speaking through a prison phone. Bottom of the screen reads "John Bender" and underneath "In Custody - Spuzzum Penitentiary"}

John: Barely touched it! I was seriously just-

{Cuts to Corey}

Corey: Casing it all day, or so I'm told by the uh-

{Cuts to Herschel. Bottom of the screen reads "Herschel Lebowitz" and underneath "President of the Mallwalkers Association"}

Herschel: President of the Mallwalkers Association. We meet Tuesdays and Thursdays. And I was planning the next route for next week, 'cos walking the same route gets kind of boring. Anyway, I saw this shady guy-

{Cuts to John}

John: Waiting to meet someone, and I just happened to lean against the globe-

{Cuts back to Herschel}

Herschel: And with all his might, shoved up on it-

{Cuts to Corey as he reads from his notebook}

Corey: And toppled the structure off of its pedestal. Now at this point, I was patrolling the food court-

{Cuts to Brian Ralph Johnson (played by Graham). Bottom of the screen reads "Brian Ralph Johnson" and underneath "Clerk - Fried Stuf"}

Brian: With a burger in one hand and a shake in the other. And I told him he'd need a tray if he wanted poutine as well, cause he clearly did not have a hand free.

{Cuts back to Corey}

Corey: So when I heard the crash, I swiftly-

{Cuts back to Brian}

Brian: Downed his Coke and ran off-

{Cuts back to Corey}

Corey: To the rescue.

{Cuts to Rex}

Rex: The thing rolls right into my store and just about falls right on top of-

{Cuts to Joe}

Joe: That dick.

{Cuts to Andrew}

Andrew: So I'm trying to tell the woman I can't find any Goddamn-

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: Twill, or maybe some paisley-

{Cuts back to Andrew}

Andrew: When suddenly that great big-

{Cuts to Adam}

Adam: Comment on the state of the environment-

{Cuts back to Andrew}

Andrew: Rolls in, knocks me off the ladder and I go-

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: Right over-

{Cuts to Joe}

Joe: Onto the deck furniture, and his-

{Cuts to Andrew}

Andrew: Brand new torch comes flying out of my hand and-

{Cuts to Rex}

Rex: Onto our brand new shipment of plastic display plants. So now-

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: Everything is on fire, and I'm just as surprised as anyone else when-

{Cuts to John}

John: That monstrosity against good taste-

{Cuts back to Claire}

Claire: Rolls right back through the wall and into the mall again!

{Cuts to Corey}

Corey: At uh this point, the sprinklers kicked in-

{Cuts to Brian}

Brian: Ruining the day's donut batch, which-

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Lucas: Was delicious!

{Cuts to Corey}

Corey: Now at this point, I'm uh clearly out of my league so I-

{Cuts to Officer Rodriguez (played by James). Bottom of the screen reads "Off. Rodriguez" and underneath "Spuzzum PD"}

Rodriguez: Radioed into HQ that there was a commotion over at the mall. So I proceeded to-

{Cuts to Rex while Joe starts mocking him behind his back}

Rex: Take his sweet damn time in getting here and helping us-

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: Find my furniture, which at this point is on fire, and wet but not in that order.

{Cuts to Herschel}

Herschel: So at this point, the mall starts to flood, and I think to myself, "Herschel, maybe we should postpone the Thursday walk to Friday 'cos we don't want some of the older walkers falling-"

{Cuts to Rodriguez}

Rodriguez: Right on my ass because nobody told me the mall was flooded. Apparently, some people think leaving out important details like that-

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Lucas: Is awesome!

Eddie: So as he's going down, he knocks the gun out of his holster, it fires up into the air, is all like bang-bang-bang.

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: Pow-pow-pow.

{Cuts to Joe}

Joe: Ke-ke-ke-ke.

{Cuts to Mitchell Beck (played by Matt). Bottom of the screen reads "Mitchell Beck" and underneath "Ass. Manager - Music Assassin"}

Mitchell: Pffffff noise. So I did the only thing I really could do in this situation: I hacked into the mall's PA system and started playing The Final Countdown.

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Eddie and Lucas: {singing badly} It's the final countdown! Da da, dadela dede, dalela na-

{Cuts to Andrew}

Andrew: So just as I'm getting up to get away from the flaming plants, I see this cop fire his gun-

{Cuts to Corey}

Corey: With amazing precision-

{Cuts back to Andrew}

Andrew: Into the fish tank at the Chinese restaurant at the top floor.

{Cuts to Joe}

Joe: Mr. Hao was... unimpressed, to say the least.

{Cuts to Rex}

Rex: But not as unimpressed as I was when a cascade of lobsters and crabs-

{Cuts to John}

John: Flood over the balcony and sweep through the mall, which was still not my fault!

{Cuts to Mitchell}

Mitchell: Seeing this new turn of events, there was really only one option for me.

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Lucas: Rock Lobster! {starts humming the words while Eddie riffs on a Guitar Hero controller}

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: At this point, I'm thinking "Patio furniture is probably a lost cause, so why don't I just pick up a lobster or two and head home?" {mugs}

{Cuts to Rodriguez}

Rodriguez: Now I'm soaking wet and I get up and I see this giant hunk of-

{Cuts to John}

John: Crap! The only reason he got the job is 'cos he phenomenally underbid me with his new-age, artsy-fartsy-

{Cuts to Adam}

Adam: Expression of man's wastefulness-

{Cuts to Rodriguez}

Rodriguez: Rolling towards me, so I just run.

{Cuts to Mitchell}

Mitchell: Now, earlier in the morning, we got this shipment of movie soundtracks in, so...

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Eddie and Lucas: {starts badly singing the Indiana Jones theme} Da neneda, da deda, da denena, da deda na da!

{Cuts to Rodriguez}

Rodriguez: So I jump from the balcony on the second floor down to the fountain on the first floor, landing-

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: Right on the lobster I was gonna grab. Poor thing never stood a chance.

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Lucas: Get this! The thing flies over the edge like it's-

{Cuts to Rodriguez}

Rodriguez: Frigging chasing me! Luckily it hit the top of the fountain and just-

{Cuts to John}

John: Explodes into a glorious rain of-

{Cuts to Adam}

Adam: Post-consumer products.

{Cuts to Rodriguez}

Rodriguez: After the smoke cleared, I looked around for the person responsible. He wasn't very hard to find, considering he was-

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Lucas: Giggling like a schoolgirl and jumping around, screaming-

{Cuts to John}

John: Take that-

{Cuts to Adam}

Adam: Adam Horovowski, architect and conceptual artist.

{Cuts to Claire}

Claire: {sighs} So I never did get my furniture, or my lobsters. But I did get-

{Cuts to Eddie and Lucas}

Lucas: Like, five crabs.

Eddie: {snickers} Dude, you've got crabs!

Lucas: {scoffs} So do you.

Eddie: Yeah, I know.

Stinger

{We see Morgan in his seat as the Styrofoam sheet used for the wall behind him gets taken down by Paul}

Morgan: {lifts phone to his ear} Uh, no, Mister President, uh...