Feed Dump 100 Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Feed Dump 100

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump one hundred where we're enjoying a giant fruit salad, in which {HIGH PITCHED VOICE} I AM A BANANA!!! {NORMAL VOICE} Joining me this week is a kumquat,

Kate: I don't actually know what a kumquat is, but it had the funniest name.

Graham: a kiwi,

Kathleen: I'm a fruit AND a symbol of nationalism! HA!

Graham: a casaba melon,

Andy: Casama Lemon!

Graham: a choke cherry,

Cam: I'm disappointingly bitter.

Graham: a honeydew melon,

James: {EXCITED} I'm the filler fruit! {REALIZES, LOOKS SAD}

Graham: a durian,

Alex: {WEARING BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR} I'm banned on public transport in Singapore because I smell awful.

Graham: a tomato,

Jer: I'm savoury!

Graham: a dragon fruit,

Tally: {WEARING TOP HALF OF DINOSAUR MASK} RAWRRRRRRR!

Graham: a lychee,

Paul: My hard, spiky exterior hides delicious flesh within.

Graham: and a walnut!

Beej:: Technically a fruit, {HIGH PITCHED} BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

{TITLE: WOOOOOOOOOO 100/A HUNDO}

Graham: It wouldn't be a Feed Dump milestone without calling back the very first episode, with a rousing game of Paul and... Cam and Kathleen and Kate and Alex and Jer and Tally and James and Beej: and Andy have to figure out what Graham is talking about.

{TITLE: Paul and Matt/CAM/KATHLEEN/KATE/ALEX/DAVE?/(at this point everyone starts talking over each other, cacophony) /JAMES/JAMES/EDWARD J OLMOS/ANDY/Beej:/THIS GUY NAMED BRIAN/ANGRY BIRDS/ALEX AGAIN/JAMES/SUSAN/THE CAST OF RENT/WILLIAM JOHNSON/YUMMIES CORP./LOUD NOISES!/DON'T FORGET PAUL/RON DEWINGS HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT Graham IS TALKING ABOUT (WOO!)}

Graham: A Miami police sergeant who has already been fired eight times from three different police departments could be fired again for a ninth time, for what?

Paul: Alright, when it was just me and Matt, I can see how we may not have gotten this, but I think with everybody here, we have a pretty good chance.

Kate: It's the sex thing, isn't it?

Kathleen: A rousing game of fingy in bum. You THINK it raises moral, but it doesn't.

Alex: Eating SO many children.

James: {HANDS OUT RIFLES/GUNS TO PEOPLE OFFSCREEN} Free guns for you, free guns for you, free guns for EVERYONE!!! {THROWS RIFLE INTO THE AIR}

Paul: I'm guessing he was a loose cannon and the chief had to take him off the case.

Beej:: Refusing a bribe.

Andy: Eating labelled food out of the staff refrigerator. Cracking down on that and jaywalking.

Tally: He checked on his previous employment record and realized that he'd already been fired eight times.

Andy: Impersonating an officer.

Graham: He's been previously fired for {READS FROM YELLOW-SHELLED IPAD, COUNTS ON HIS FINGERS} busting the skull of a handcuffed suspect, beating juveniles, having dope and booze in his squad car, ripping off suspects, falsifying reports, participating in an unauthorized chase where four people were KILLED, and calling in sick from Cancun.

Cam: Dad?!

James: That sounds like my average Tuesday afternoon, so I'd make a hell of an awesome cop.

Paul: Well judging from his history, I'm assuming that he got fired this time for stealing drugs and alcohol from a suspect, beating the suspect to dead with it, all while on vacation in Cancun.

Beej:: Eating unlabelled evidence of the staff refrigerator.

Graham: From all your myriad guesses, James was the closest. {JAMES APPEARS BEHIND GRAHAM AND THROWS HIS FISTS UP IN VICTORY} While an eight-day leave, he left his assault weapon with his girlfriend's father.

Cam: How often did it need to be watered?!

{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATE ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER CAP AND AVIATOR SHADES, AND HOLDS A RIFLE}

Alex: Hey baby I've gotta go sell drugs to kids for a couple weeks. {OFFERS HER THE RIFLE} Would you hang onto this for me? {KATE TAKES IT, MUGS} Thanks.

Paul: You know, typically you wanna keep the guns AWAY from your girlfriend's father.

Beej:: Have you not heard of an assault rifle wedding?

Alex: You gotta go deeeeeep south for them.

Jer: Like, Columbia?

Graham: A single mother from Los Angeles who always buys the same configuration of lottery tickets every week accidentally put an extra dollar into the self-service machine and ended up with one extra ticket. It ended up winning her fourteen million dollars.

Andy: Let that be a lesson to all you compulsive gamblers out there: if you're on a losing streak, just keep puttin' in money! It's gonna pay out eventually!

James: {WITH HIS ARM AROUND VIN DIESEL CUTOUT} Big whoop, lady. I put two bucks in a vending machine today and got a Mars Bar AND an O'Henry. Check. Mate.

Paul: That's weird, 'cause I put two dollars in a vending machine today and I got fourteen million Mars Bars.

It took SO LONG for them to come out! {EVERYBODY IS LAUGHING} I was like, "I gotta go and do stuff."

Kathleen: Oh yeah? Well Paul put two dollars into a vending machine and then I got diabetes from Mars Bars!

Alex: She didn't even eat any of them!

Graham: I don't know what I would do with fourteen million dollars, but I bet everyone else does.

{TITLE: IT'S A BIG PILE OF CASH. WHAT WOULD YOU DO... WITH... IT?}

Kathleen: Replace my diabetes-crippled pancreas.

Beej:: Eat that pancreas!

Alex: Build a gold-plated jail and put Beej: in it.

Tally: {WEARING BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR} Drink... all... the slurm...

James: {WITH HIS ARM AROUND VIN DIESEL CUTOUT} Make this happen in real life. {LOOKS TOWARD VIN DIESEL CUTOUT} {LOOKS BACK AT CAMERA} {SLOWLY LOWERS VIN DIESEL CUTOUT TOWARD HIS CROTCH}

Kate: I would build my own Iron Man suit, as per my birthright.

Alex: I would also build an Iron Man suit, but I'd make it run on... {PULLS VIN DIESEL CUTOUT TOWARD HIM} diesel.

Cam: Let it ride.

Graham: And now for the return of another fan favourite segment... {JAMES APPEARS BEHIND HIM WITH A VUVUZELA, PREPARES TO BLOW IT IN GRAHAM'S EAR} not that one. {JAMES DISAPPEARS, INDIGNANT} It's time for Paul and Kathleen dress like vikings.

{TITLE: Paul and Kathleen DRESSING LIKE VIKINGS WHO ARE THOSE VIKINGS? It's Paul and Kathleen.}

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. KATHLEEN IS WEARING SILVER SEIGE HELMET WITH CHAIN MAIL NECK PROTECTOR AND A LONG BLACK BEARD. PAUL IS WEARING SILVER SEIGE HELMET WITH HORNS AND A LONG RED BEARD}

Kathleen: {WEARING SILVER SEIGE HELMET WITH CHAIN MAIL NECK PROTECTOR AND A LONG BLACK BEARD} Well.

Paul: {WEARING A SILVER SEIGE HELMET WITH HORNS AND A LONG RED BEARD} You haven't done this for almost two years, but, um... we have better helmets now. {POINTS TO HELMET}

Kathleen: {LOOKS AROUND} I can't see! {ATTEMPTS TO TOUCH FACE, FAILS}

{TITLE: Paul and Kathleen DRESSED AS VIKINGS, WHO WERE THOSE VIKINGS? It was Paul and Kathleen. (Kathleen: Norse Norse Norse Norse Norse-)}

Graham: A school in Washington state decided to have a Sunday this week. Because the weather outside was just too awesome and they decided that all the kids should have the day off to enjoy it.

James: Ooh, ooh, teacher teacher! I mean, Graham. Can we have Feed Dump outside today?

Graham: Uh... sure?

{ALEX (WEARING A FELT SKYRIM HELM), Beej:, ANDY, AND CAM (WEARING THE BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR) SWARM AROUND GRAHAM'S CHAIR AND LIFTS IT UP WITH GRAHAM STILL IN IT. GRAHAM LOOKS BEWILDERED}

All: Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut

Graham: {CRIES OUT} Whoaauaahhaaaa!

{CUT TO EXTERIOR MOONBASE: ALEX (WEARING A FELT SKYRIM HELM), Beej:, ANDY, AND CAM (WEARING THE BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR) PUT DOWN GRAHAM'S CHAIR, WITH GRAHAM STILL IN IT. ALEX PATS GRAHAM ON THE HEAD. GRAHAM CONTINUES TO LOOK BEWILDERED}

Graham: It's really warm out here.

Tally: {WEARING SUNGLASSES, HER SHOULDER PINK WITH SUNBURN} I have a sunburn already!

Kate: {WEARING AVIATORS} This jersey is super warm.

Kathleen: I'M COLD!!! {RUBS SHOULDERS FOR WARMTH}

Cam: {WEARING THE BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR} I was under the impression we were getting ice cream.

{SHOT OF ALEX, ANDY, AND Beej: BEHIND THE SOFA, WHICH IS NOW OUTSIDE. ALEX (WEARING A FELT SKYRIM HELM) AND Beej: TOSS THE YELLOW SMILEY FACE BALL BETWEEN THEM. ANDY, WHO IS ON HIS KNEES BETWEEN THEM, MONKEY-IN-THE-MIDDLE STYLE, TRIES TO REACH UP AND GRAB THE BALL, WITH NO SUCCESS}

Alex: {WEARING FELT SKYRIM HELM} {THROWING THE YELLOW SMILEY FACE BALL TO Beej:} Woo! Spring break!

Beej:: {THROWING THE BALL BACK} Woo! Yeah!

Andy: Nooo! I didn't have ball-

Alex: Woo hoo! Yeah, take it!

{Beej: THROWS THE BALL AT ANDY. IT HITS HIM IN THE HEAD. ANDY BEGINS TO CRY. ALEX PICKS UP THE BALL AND THROWS IT AT ANDY AGAIN. ANDY CRIES HARDER. Beej: LAUGHS EXAGERATEDLY AT HIM AND POINTS.}

Alex: Cry! Gonna cry now?! Gonna cry now?! {ALEX PUSHES ANDY}

{THE YELLOW SMILEY FACE BALL SOARS OVER ANDY'S HEAD, THROWN FROM THE DIRECTION OF THE CAMERA}

Andy: {CRYING} I think I swallowed a bug!

{SHOT OF JUST PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Paul: Aaaugh. Mr. Sun is not my friend. Can we go back?

Graham: Yeah, I don't think this is scalable. {FLOURISHES HIS ARMS} JUMP CUT-

{BACK INSIDE}

Much better! Just how I like it. Now. The most recent victim of Britain's tanking economy: Prince Charles' organic vegetable shop.

Which by the way, was called "The Veg Shed."

{SHOT OF JER AND ALEX ON THE SOFA. ALEX WEARS A FELT SKYRIM HELM}

Jer: Veg Shed sounds like a land.

Alex: {WEARING FELT SKYRIM HELM} I wonder if it's playable?

{TITLE: IS IT PLAYABLE? IS IT NOT? LET'S ASK JER and ALEX (Alex: I DON'T... WHAT?) (Jer: ASSESS THE PLAYABILITY OF) (Alex: DAMMIT.)}

Jer: So as a land, my inclination is say Veg Shed probably entirely playable, even if it doesn't do anything.

Alex: {WEARING FELT SKYRIM HELM} Doesn't tap for mana, man.

{PAN TO JER}

Jer: So it's a do-nothing land that spits out do-nothing tokens.

Alex: {WEARING FELT SKYRIM HELM} Vegetable tokens.

{PAN TO JER}

Jer: Vegetable tokens are delicious!

Kathleen: Well hold on now! Plant isn't an irrelevant subtype.

{PAN TO JER}

Jer: And if you're making multiple plants...

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Yeah!

Paul: I think what you guys are overlooking is that the token it produces is Organic. Which I think could be very valuable in Limited.

Alex: {WEARING FELT SKYRIM HELM} Is that a keyword ability?

Jer: Dude, Organic is like a super type.

James: Could I sacrifice those vegetable tokens to my stomach?

Cam: {WEARING BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR} So really we're going for more of a snackrifice plan...

Tally: Snackcaster Mage! Cast Snackcaster Mage, ruin standard for two years!

Kathleen: Standard is ruined not because of the format, just because everybody's cards are now super sticky.

James: This is not fixing my hunger boys and girls.

Kate: I broughts... I brought snacks. {SHE PULLS OUT A BAG OF CARMEL CORN}

{PAN TO REVEAL JAMES SITTING NEXT TO HER, HE REACHES INTO THE BAG}

James: Aaaah! Hungy!

Alex: Ooh, could I have some too?

{EVERYBODY BEGINS REACHING FOR THE BAG, PAN OUT TO REVEAL MORE PEOPLE}

Tally: I'm gonna let that one resolve.

{SHOT OF Beej: AND ANDY BEHIND THE SIDE CHAIRS, NEXT TO THE GREEN SCREEN}

Andy: So, to be clear, Prince Charles is out of a job, right?

Beej:: Can I just say that I know fuck all about Magic?

Andy: I don't think there's time.

Graham: Do we have a verdict for the card "The Veg Shed?"

{SHOT OF EVERYONE ON THE SOFA, EATING CARMEL CORN}

All: Delicious!

Graham: Terrific, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BLACK AIRFORCE PILOT'S HELMET} this hat. Nor do they have...

{SHOT OF EVERYONE ON THE SOFA WEARING DIFFERENT HATS, CAM IS WEARING THE BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR, BEEJ IS WEARING A FULL CRUSADOR'S HELM, TALLY IS WEARING MAXWELL'S HAT FROM SCRIBBLENAUTS, KATE IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER'S CAP, ANDY IS WEARING A TINY VIKING HELM, JER IS WEARING A CAMO ARMY HELMET, ALEX IS WEARING A BLACK TOP HAT ON TOP OF A FELT SKYRIM HELM, JER IS WEARING A YELLOW CONSTRUCTION HELMET, KATHLEEN IS WEARING THE BLUE FUZZY HAT WITH WHITE WHISPS, PAUL IS WEARING A SILVER SEIGE HELMET WITH HORNS, AND THE VIN DIESEL CUTOUT IS WEARING A BLACK BERET}

All: These hats!

Kate: {WEARING A POLICE OFFICER'S CAP} Thanks for wat-

Alex: {WEARING BLACK TOP HAT ON TOP OF A FELT SKYRIM HELM} {POINTING TO CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF VIN DIESEL} It's Vin Diesel! Wearin' a hat!

Cam: {WEARING BRAIN SLUG FASCINATOR} {EMITS A WEIRD PINCHED CRY} Aaauck!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Jer: I want you to lie down on the ground and don't make any sudden- HOLY SHIT BULBASAUR!

{CAMERA ZOOMS OUT, JER IS PLAYING A YELLOW GAME BOY WITH NO GAME IN THE CARTRIDGE SLOT}

{EVERYBODY LAUGHS}