Frosty Cardboard Marmite Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Frosty Cardboard Marmite
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are now solar powered, which would be helpful, if we ever went outside. I'm Graham. Just... just Graham. Joining me this week is Paul Diesel.
{SHOT OF A CARDBOARD STANDUP OF VIN DIESEL, SITTING ON THE SOFA}
Vin Diesel: ...
Graham: And Creepy Kathleen.
{SHOT OF THE GIANT CREEPY DOLL, HARRY, SITTING ON THE SOFA}
Harry: ...
Graham: And the three of us will navigate this river of silly on our news canoes!
{TITLE: WE'VE GOT CANOES/NEWS}
Graham: In England... {SMILES COYLY} a tankard carrying twenty tons of marmite-bound yeast extract overturned and spilled onto a highway.
Kathleen: It's the world's least tragic tragedy.
Paul: Oh no! We can have a world wide marmite shortage! {THINKS} Actually, come to think of it, we could actually be in a worldwide marmite shortage, but I don't think anybody would notice.
Kathleen: Paul, is there an angle to this story other than we're not English and therefore hate marmite?
Graham: The accident occurred when the tankard collided with the motor home.
Paul: I can imagine there's a guy, you know, on the motor home, having his breakfast, being like, "this toast seems kinda dismal. It really needs something to add a little extra- OH MY" PSHOOO! And then just gets showered in yeast extract.
Graham: Showered in Yeast Extract is my Gwar cover band.
Kathleen: Grossest death ever.
Graham: A group of scientists has determined that babies as young as eight months old not only dislike anti-social people, but enjoy seeing anti-social people punished for their actions.
Kathleen: Children: they're shitbags before you even know they're shitbags.
Paul: It's that they learn from such a young age to actually rejoice in the suffering of another person... I find that a little disturbing.
Graham: The testing was done with puppets either acting good or bad, and when asked to give treats to the puppets, the babies rewarded the good puppets, and they also enjoyed the puppets who punished the bad puppets.
Paul: Have you ever been to a puppet show?! Of course you like the puppet with the big stick that wacks the other puppet! {MIMES WACKING A PUPPET WITH A STICK} That's the funny part!
Graham: Harvard scientists have built a new type of flexible robot that can wiggle its way through tight spaces.
Paul: Finally! A robot that can limbo! This is what we've been missing!
Kathleen: They built this just for the anal probing, didn't they?
Paul: Alright, so it's a soft, flexible robot... to squeeze into tight spaces... hm.
{PAN TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: {GASPS} ROBOT SANTA!!!
{PAN BACK TO PAUL}
Paul: That... is not where my mind went with that.
{PAN BACK TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: Well, I mean, we could go back to anal probing, but I think I really explored the depths of that joke.
{PAN BACK TO PAUL}
Paul: So to speak.
{PAN BACK TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: {MUGS} Robot Santa looks like a sandworm with a Santa hat on, and he's twice as terrifying!
Graham: In the annual Christmas parade in Chestertown Maryland, a man dressed as Frosty the snowman was arrested for arguing with police and kicking a dog.
Kathleen: {WEARING SANTA HAT} {SINGING} Frosty the snowman/ was a drunken angry man!/ He yelled at some cops and kicked a dog/ so they threw him in a van!
Paul: So the obvious question is: was he supposed to be Frosty the snowman and then gave up and got drunk, or was he a regular dude who got so drunk that he thought dressing up as Frosty the snowman was a great idea?
Kathleen: {WEARING SANTA HAT} He might have just meant to be Santa and grabbed the wrong costume in a drunken stupor? {SHRUGS}
Graham: My hope is that he stayed in character the whole time.
{WEARING A TOP HAT, SCARF, AND HOLDING A PIPE} {DRUNKENLY} Hey. I'm a jolly happy soul. I'm magic- mag- hat. Magic hat! And I can laugh and play. Woo! Fuck you.
{WITHOUT HATS} Scam artists in Florida have been arrested forrrrrr... yes. Been arrested for convincing a whole bunch of old people that they needed to buy special toilet paper, because otherwise it would ruin their septic tanks.
Paul: I would make fun of old people for being taken in by a scam like this, but, as someone who's lived in the city my entire life, septic tanks are strange and uncertain for me. You have to do stuff like, put yogurt in them? You have to like, feed it? And then it there's certain things you're not allowed to put in. If somebody said you had to put in certain kinds of toilet paper, I would probably believe them.
Graham: Those who bought products from these men were put on a quote "idiot list" for followup sales.
Kathleen: {WEARING SANTA HAT} Well, I can't really fault them for that, because while they could have named it something a little less damning, that's just common business sense.
Paul: Hm... I'm thinking and I'm just remembering the last couple telemarketer calls I got. I think I may be on one of those idiot lists.
Graham: What does our new correspondent think of this story? Well we can find out in our new segment, Let's Ask What is Clearly a Cardboard Cut out of Vin Diesel.
{TITLE: LET'S ASK QUESTIONS OF WHAT IS CLEARLY A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF VIN DIESEL}
{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL WITH A CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF VIN DIESEL BETWEEN THEM. KATHLEEN IS WEARING A SANTA HAT}
Paul: {TO CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF VIN DIESEL} What do you think of people who try to defraud the elderly.
Vin Diesel: ...
Kathleen: {WEARING SANTA HAT} Vin Diesel is a man of few words.
Graham: Well that's it for this week. On behalf of Mrss. Saunders, De Vere, Diesel, and Doll, I'm Graham and until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON TOP HAT} this hat. 'Cause we recently bought it. It's ours now.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF KATHLEEN, HENRY THE CREEPY DOLL, AND PAUL ON THE SOFA; KATHLEEN IS MAKING HENRY STROKE PAUL ON THE FACE, THEN STROKING HIS CHEST; PAUL LOOKS CREEPED OUT}
Paul: What is this supposed to be teaching the children!
Kathleen: Bad touching!
Paul: It's working!
