Harder, Better, Faster, Wronger Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Harder, Better, Faster, Wronger

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, the episode is being hosted by the three closest things to "goth" that we have around here at the LoadingReadyRun offices. To celebrate, we are all "shades of black". I'm "midnight black", when you want to dress all in black but with, y'know, a little bit of intrigue and...and fun. Joining me this week is "vantablack"...

Cameron: Like vantablck, I'm the result of industrial production. Go, throbbing gristle.

Kathleen: ...and "pitch black".

Alex: {IN QUIET, BAD BRITISH ACCENT} I'm the same color as Morrissey on vinyl.

{TITLE: RIFFS AS BLACK AS MY HEART}

Kathleen: Cameron, how do you feel about schadenfreude?

Cameron: Semi-engorged.

Alex: {POINTS AT CAMERON AND LAUGHS LOUDLY}

Kathleen: Well, get ready to go from "semi" to "full chub" because the floods in Louisiana have destroyed the home of a man who said that gays were responsible for said floods.

Cameron: {SINGING MOCKINGLY} Hubris, hubris, hu-u-u-ubris!

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} Tony Perkins is the leader of the Family Research Council, had once claimed that God sends natural disasters to destroy the lives of gay people. Uh, he had to escape from HIS house in a canoe.

Cameron: Well, at least he had a conveniently-placed yonick symbol to climb into. Could you imagine if he had to sail on a driftwood log, downstream, clutching to it...desperately...longingly...sweatily?!

Alex: {SINGING} And he goes burling, burling down the floodwaters...

Cameron: Ah, yes, the "Log Piler's Waltz".

{TITLE: CANADIAN JOKES}

Kathleen: OK, a lot of you sent me a link to this next story. And, normally, I shy away from stories that are too popular...but THIS story is literally PERFECT: two Swedish teenagers playing "Pokemon GO" got the scare of their lives when they stumbled across two other people dressed in pig masks, having sex in a public park. Upon discovery, the people with pig masks pointed a laser pointer at the teenagers to get them to run away and, their coital session interrupted, they then went and had sex in public in front of an historic water wheel, much to the shock of people driving by at the time.

Cameron: I'm having a hard time deciding if this is more "The Shining" or "Brazil"?

Alex: I'm thinking "Lord of the Flies", only fuckin'.

Cameron: I think that's STILL called "Lord of the Flies"; it's just a different "fly".

Kathleen: There's a lot of really good headlines that describe this afternoon of mayhem but this one's probably my favorite: {READS FROM iPHONE} "Sex Pigs Hold Traffic After Laser Attack On Pokemon Teens"

Alex: {HOLDING UP A FINGER AND LOOKING AT KATHLEEN} There is an elephant...pig in the room that isn't being addressed: were the laser pointers PART of the sex act?

Cameron: Maybe at the point of climax, they just call in a drone strike.

Alex: {STILL LOOKING AT KATHLEEN} Also, did they CATCH the Pokemon?

Kathleen: They caught something far better, Alex: lasting trauma.

Cameron: I mean, if you wanted "abstinence-only education", I can't think of anything better than to show two teenagers...y'know, adults fucking in public wearing...pig masks. Sex isn't pretty at the BEST of times.

Kathleen: Hats tip to the Swedish police who, after all of that, were most concerned about the laser pointer. According to Officer Daniel Hagthorpe, {READS FROM iPHONE} "Pointing at someone with green laser can cause injury if it hits the eyes".

Cameron: They actually sprang for the GREEN lasers?! This is way more involved than I was giving them credit for!

Alex: Yeah, if the "pig fuckers" have money to burn on green lasers, who knows how much they dropped on those costumes.

Cameron: Oh, I know EXACTLY what was dropped on those costumes.

Kathleen: Speaking of "droppings"...

Cameron: Oh, good. I was worried we weren't going to get there.

Kathleen: A dispute between two neighbors in Brockville, Ontario - which will henceforth be known as "Canada's Florida" - turned nasty when the women involved began flinging their dog poop at one another.

Cameron: Shits fired.

Alex: Was the dispute over whose dog could shit better?

Cameron: Harder?

Alex: Further?

Cameron: Faster?

Alex: Stronger?

Kathleen: So what happened was one woman was cleaning her yard and she found a bunch of dog poop in it. And she thought, "My damn neighbor! She's been letting HER dog poop in MY yard!" And she started throwing the poop over the fence and the neighbor was, like, "What the shit?! You're throwing shit into my yard" and starting throwing it back. And then they got into an actual physical fight and the police were called.

Cameron: In real life, as in tragedy, each step taken along the road was made for the right reasons and made sense at the time.

Alex: {TO ALEX} Yeah, if you were on BATH SALTS!

Kathleen: Y'know what, though? Tempers are bound to flair when you find poop of unknown origin in your yard. Instead of judging, we should be offering solutions.

Cameron: Okay, this is Ontario, where winters can be very cold. So what you do is you wait for night to fall one cold December afternoon. And then you just take, like a "Category Five Steamer" on their car. Their options will be to either use a crowbar to chisel it off then and there, probably taking a large, like, square meter of paint with it...or leave it to thaw out the following June, which means it's, like, a "golden oldie" by then. Vengeance. BLOODY vengeance!

Alex: If YOU find blood in your vengeance, consult your doctor.

Kathleen: Really, so few situations involve "bricking" on someone's car. But Feed Dump does this week and that means we should probably call this episode to a close before Cam makes good on that promise. But, remember, there may be better sources of news and they don't have valuable, life-changing advice such as offered previously and they don't have...{DONS "KING SLIME" HAT}...THIS hat...which is a "King Slime" hat. It was made by John Flynn, {READS FROM LETTER} aka "The Random Onion". I feel very regal in this hat. I feel like, if I was to take, like, a "triple coiler" on the hood of someone's car, I would still maintain my dignity and composure while doing so. {GIVES "ROYAL WAVE"} Do a little wave as you're "popping a squat". Neighbor sees you out the living room window and they're, like, "Are they pooping on my car?! And looking amazing while doing so?" And you're, like,...{"ROYAL WAVE"...THAT SWITCHES TO "EAGLE"}

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Cameron: "Helpful suggestions" don't involve "bricking" someone's car.