Hot Nurses and Pregnant Chimps Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Hot Nurses and Pregnant Chimps
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where y'all ain't ready for this. Which is to say that I'm sure one or two of you are fully prepared for this, but most of you, pretty confident, not prepared. I am Graham, the Grand Wizard of Feed Dump, because why should the KKK get... such a cool title as Grand Wizard? That's not fair. So I'm taking it back. I am the Grand Wizard of Feed Dump. Joining me this week: no one.
{SHOT OF THE COUCH WITH A PAIR OF BOXING GLOVES, A BLANKET, AND A LONE WOODEN HANGER ON IT}
Graham: Because they all had something better to do. Isn't that right, couch?
{SHOT OF THE COUCH WITH A PAIR OF BOXING GLOVES, A BLANKET, AND A LONE WOODEN HANGER ON IT}
Graham: Fifteen seconds in, and I'm talking to furniture. Well hey, I like colour correction as much as the next guy, so let's mess with the hues.
{TITLE: LET'S MESS WITH THE HUES/NEWS!}
Graham: A hospital in Stockholm has caught zero flake for jokingly including the requirement to be "TV series hot" in a recruitment ad for nurses at their hospital.
I like that it's the story that's trying to make it a problem, where the hospital says they've actually had absolutely no complaints, presumably because they're in Sweden and I am lead to believe they're all hot there.
Well, I guess they're all cold, but. I mean, physically.
They should also make innuendo a requirement of the nurses.
{WEARING SCRUBS, HOLDING BINDER} Right. For the innuendo section, you put down {READING} "time for your sponge bath bracket flirtatious wink," uh, wildst delivering an enema "maybe I'll let you try me next," and "more like sex-ray, am I right" these are all just awful.
{WEARING SCRUBS} We will not be hiring you as a writer, but maybe you have a career in nursing.
{REGULAR CLOTHES} OK, to avoid confusion, when I'm reading a story, I'll be wearing the top hat of power, which isn't just double decker, it's triple deckered. {LEANS BACK TO REVEAL THREE TOP HATS ON TOP OF EACH OTHER}
{WEARING TOP HAT OF POWER} Originally launched in 1952, Mr. Potato Head turns 60 this year.
{WITHOUT HAT} And sure, potatoes last for a while, but after a couple months, they do start to go weird. Like, sprout... turn poisonous.
{CLOSEUP} I just had this horrible mental image of a Mr. Potato Head day of the triffids like thing, where there's just the potato head and then green tendrils start growing out of it.
{WEARING FISHERMAN'S HAT} Augh! This is the worst children's toy since Mr. Bucket. M- Mister Bucket. {PAUSE} The balls pop out of his mouth. {PAUSE} No? Well you'd know it if you saw it.
{WEARING TOP HAT OF POWER} Me being here alone seems like as good a reason as any for another instalment of LOL Canada.
{TITLE: LOL, CANADA! (Paul: OUR HOME- Oh.)}
{WEARING TOP HAT OF POWER} Local police had to be called to a New Brunswick peewee hockey game when a 13 year old referee ejected a player, a mother, and one of the team coaches under hockey Canada's strict verbal abuse rules.
{WITHOUT HAT} This referee has just earned the title "My Fucking Hero."
{CLOSEUP} Seriously, though, he should probably get looked at by a doctor, 'cause I don't think you're supposed to have much in the testicular region going on at 13 anyways, certainly not ones that size.
{WEARING REFEREE UNIFORM} {IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE} Oh yeah, well you can kiss my hairless ass. Now hurry up, let's get this game over with, I've got some Pokemon to play. Hockey Canada has a zero tolerance policy for verbal abuse, sir.
{REGULAR CLOTHES} For her part, the mother said the incident was in the past, and she had no regrets. Really? Not even the part where you got kicked out of the arena by a 13 year old? You don't regret that part? Well, neither do we.
{CLOSEUP} I wonder, is Peewee hockey also where they train hockey players to give the worst interviews ever?
{WEARING BOXING HELMET AND HOCKEY GLOVES} {IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE} Yeah, well, I thought we- {SUDDENLY IN NORMAL VOICE} we don't have a hockey helmet, so this is... {POINTS TO BOXING HELMET} {IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE} Yeah, well, you know I thought we really gave it our all out there, but I guess the other team, you know, just, just wanted it more, and... you know, for our next game, we're just gonna focus on maybe not falling over quite so much, and uh, yeah. I think maybe we could take it all the way to the city finals this year. They're a really good team, and I just think that they're awesome, and I... can't say anything bad about them, even though it's welling up inside me. You can see it in my eyes if you look closely, though. The hate. {LOOKS INTO CAMERA} The hate.
{WEARING TOP HAT OF POWER} The award for misleading headline of the week, which is a thing I just made up, goes to the story about a man who's being forced to surrender his exotic reptile collection with the headline "Man Loses Collection of Poisonous Snakes." He didn't lose them! He knows exactly where they are. He just doesn't have them anymore.
{WITHOUT HAT} I, uhm. {PATTING COAT, THEN CHEST} This is terribly embarrassing, have you seen my snakes? {LOOKS AROUND} I... yes, no, poisonous snakes. And other exotic reptiles. Yes, no it's a collection, it's worth forty-nine thousand dollars. I just... ugh. Where could I have left them? Where did I have them last?! OK, I saw them at breakfast.
{READING FROM IPAD} The man has plead guilty to thirty misdemeanour charges of possessing endangered animals, and failing to properly label containers of poisonous snakes.
{WEARING MILITARY DICTATOR CAP} Hey Brian, could you hand me one of them poisonous snakes, they're in the box labelled "All Purpose Flour." No? A-actual flour? Hm. Alright, then they're either in the bucket of bungee chords or in the crate of scale models of actively serving US Battleships.
{WEARING TOP HAT OF POWER} Some chimpanzees at a Louisiana shelter have surprised their keeper by showing up pregnant, even though all the males in the enclosure have been given vasectomies.
{WITHOUT HAT} Just gonna say what I'm sure we're all thinking, let's just hope they were failed vasectomies, because otherwise the only possible option is, upside we've just proven that humans and chimps can mate, downside, someone fucked the chimps.
The working theory is that at least one of the vasectomized males may have regrown his vas defrens. So... fuck you, science.
Throughout the article, they's referred to as surprise pregnancies, which just sounds like the worst.
{WEARING FUZZY PINK VAGINA HAT} {A SINGLE WHITE BALLOON FALLS FROM THE CEILING} Surprise! You're pregnant!
{WEARING LONG BLONDE WIG} {GASPS, CLUTCHES CHEST} Ooh! {CLUTCHES STOMACH} Uh oh.
{TAKES OFF FUZZY PINK VAGINA HAT, HOLDS IT UP} Got my vagina hat already.
And I'mma call it there for this week, so until next time, from me, the couch, the... light, the monopod I've been using to adjust the focus on the camera, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON GOLD, PURPLE, AND GREEN STRIPED JESTER'S HAT} this hat. At least I hope they don't have this hat, 'cause I feel like there should be laws against this hat. {SHAKES HEAD AND MAKES BELLS ON HAT JINGLE}
{STARTS DANCING, WHICH MAKES ENDS OF JESTER HAT GO WILD AND BELLS ON THE HAT TO JINGLE MADLY}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: {WEARING REFEREE UNIFORM} {IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE} It's a felony to insult the order box, sir.
{WEARING BOXING HELMET} {PULLS VELCRO STRAP HOLDING IT ON HIS HEAD} {WINCES} Ugh! {PULLS HELMET OFF} Bwugh. That is for a much smaller person. {LOOKS INSIDE HELMET} A smaller person named Carlos. With a size medium head.
And now you know! And now I know! It's been a learning experience for all of us.
