Korea & Russia & Chechnya, Oh My! Transcript

Feed Dump Transcript: Korea & Russia & Chechnya, Oh My!

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, a magical place where there isn't actual magic but just go with me on this. I'm your friend, Graham, joining me this week is your Roman, James,

James: {WEARING GOLD FOIL GLADIATOR HELMET} When in Rome... {PULLS AT COLLAR}

Graham: And your countryman, Paul.

Paul: Alright, you can borrow one ear, but I'm keeping the other one.

Graham: And now, we're all a bit hungry, so let's cook a goose.

{TITLE: LET'S COOK A GOOSE/NEWS}

Graham: According to experts of these things, a gym building in South Korea experienced tremors for ten minutes not because of an earthquake, but because of... a Tae Bo class on an upper floor.

Paul: So obviously the solution is to have a second Tae Bo class on the lower floor, doing exactly the opposite motions all the time.

James: What have you wrought, Billy Blanks?! Whaaaat?!

Paul: Oh, you know, I think I'm really gonna work out some more this year. That's my New Year's Resolution, I mean, what could it hurt? THIS IS WHAT IT COULD HURT.

Graham: The group was seventeen middle aged people working out to the pop song "The Power" by German group SNAP.

Paul: So I guess if you have different pop songs, they would resonate for different buildings. This could be a whole new way of demolitions that we haven't even thought of yet!

James: We postulate that if they played Rebecca Black's "Friday," they probably would have taken down the entire building.

Paul: And probably most of the city block.

Graham: The Russian prison service has launched an enquiry as to... what the hell, after photos of prisoners dressed in togas having a party with caviar and fast food surfaced online.

James: Wait, so free room and board AND toga parties? I'm gonna go get arrested in Russia!

Paul: Russian prisons surprisingly similar to college...

Graham: One of the pictures shows a dozen toga clad prisoners with cardboard tridents and swords... and one guy dressed like a lion. OK, togas, easy, bed-sheets. Cardboard tridents and swords, alright, sure, you can probably find cardboard in a prison. Where would you get a lion costume?!

James: Maybe they fashioned it out of soap? I hear Krustov down in cell 3 specializes in Halloween costumes.

Paul: I'm thinking they possibly smuggled it in in their butt.

James: A lion costume?

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.

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James: Those are some really desperate times.

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: Can you think of anything more desperate than having a party and not having a lion costume?

{PAN TO JAMES}

James: Good point, sir, good point.

Graham: China's got your fake iPhones, your fake iPads. Now they've got your fake Apple store. In fact a fake Apple store so convincing, the staff actually believed they were working for Steve Jobs.

Paul: OK, so, now, apparently the stores have been shut down now, but how do we know? Maybe they shut down fake fake Apple stores?!

James: I heard about this! Apparently they're selling real Apple products in a fake store. You would think the money would be in selling fake Apple products in a- wait no that doesn't work.

Paul: OK so Apple shut these stores down. They should really hire all the people who were working at these fake Apple stores. Because they got trained on real Apple product but Apple didn't have to pay for that training, and they're trained in an INCREDIBLY perfect replica of an Apple store.

James: Alright, what if it's like an Ocean's Eleven movie, where they're being trained in the fake Apple store to rob a REAL Apple store? It's so brilliant it would never work!

Paul: I like to think that that was what the plan was to begin with, then they realized they were making so much money legitimately selling stuff at their fake Apple store, they were like, "Oh! This is actually way easier than stealing stuff."

James: So in essence, Steve Jobs, you've turned these men back into a life of crime. Way to go.

Graham: After a nationwide search for witnesses and information, a young girl who was bundled into a BMW in the South of France, turns out was actually the "victim" of a Chechnyan pre-wedding kidnapping tradition.

Paul: They probably think our marriage traditions are weird, what with all the not kidnapping the bride stuff. I mean the bride just walks in there by herself!

James: So what happens if the bride has a twin sister and she's the one who gets kidnapped? Does the groom have to marry her?

Paul: Sounds like this summer's big romantic comedy if you ask me!

James: First in line!

Paul: Coming this summer: sometimes, to get the girl you want, you'll have to kidnap her sister!

James: This seems like a dangerous precedent...

{WEARING POLICE HAT} You're under arrest for the... oh what was that? A wedding tradition, you say? Oh well by all means then, continue on.

Paul: {WEARING BALACLAVA} {IN A GRUFF VOICE} Thanks, officer.

Graham: Some British villagers who wanted to make the world record for the smallest pub by converting a disused telephone box into one were dismayed to find out they did not qualify because the telephone box, shockingly, was not licensed.

James: They swear it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.

Paul: Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name... because you're the only one that can physically fit inside the bar.

James: On the other hand, it sounds like a great place to buy everybody a round after work.

Paul: They serve all their martinis shaken not stirred, because there isn't actually enough elbow room to stir the martini.

James: You never have to ask what beer's on special, 'cause they only have one kind.

Paul: It's great, people will see a phone booth, come in to try to use the phone, and then they'll get drunk, and they don't care about what they had to phone the first place.

Graham: Which just makes it way too easy to drunk dial someone. And now, for this week's special segment: the end of the episode!

{TITLE: IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW, THE SHOW IS OVER NOW}

Graham: Aha! So until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they probably don't have {PUTS ON HEAD MASSAGER THING} this hat. Wait for it... {PRESS BUTTON ON HEAD MASSAGER THING} There we go. Yeaaaaah. Head massage. {MAKES UNCOMFORTABLE FACE} Kinda makes my teeth hurt.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

James: {HOLDING UP SMILEY FACE BALL WITH HAT ON IT IN FRONT OF FACE}

Graham: {OFF CAMERA} Well I'm filmin' ya.

James: {STILL HOLDING SMILEY FACE} Oh god what am I supposed to do?

Graham: {OFF CAMERA} I dunno.

Paul: {OFF CAMERA} This was your big idea?

James: {STILL HOLDING SMILEY FACE BALL} This wasn't my idea! A ball in front of my face was your idea!