Man Places Entire Squash into Rectum Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Man Places Entire Squash into Rectum

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we're inescapable bodily functions that you find mildly embarrassing. I am a sneeze. Joining me this week is a hiccup,

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, GLASSES ASKEW, HOLDING EMPTY COKE BOTTLE} Hic!

Kathleen: And a poot.

Kate: {MAKES POOTING NOISE} {GRINS SHEEPISHLY AND COVERS MOUTH WITH HAND}

Kathleen: And we're gonna make some social faux pas!

{TITLE: OH NO! I FARTED ON THE POPE! I'VE NOW FARTED ON EVERY MAJOR RELIGIOUS LEADER! (SUBTITLE: THE DALAI LAMA WAS LIKE "NO BIG" THOUGH.)}

Kathleen: Well, I have a new tourist destination to visit when I go to England, because the owner of a kebab shop has transformed his humble restaurant into an homage to the Queen! No longer is it just Kebabs in Peri Peri, it is called

{PICTURE OF THE KEBAB SHOP IN QUESTION, WITH THE NAME IN GOLD FONT NEXT TO A CROWN AND A HOOKAH ON A PURPLE BACKGROUND ABOVE THE WORDS CHARCOAL GRILL - PERI PERI - SHISHA AND TWO ENLARGED PHOTOS OF THE QUEEN ON THE WINDOWS}

"The Queen" and it has picture of the Queen in the windows. It is delightful and so British!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Is it weird that the first place my mind went was a skewer with little Queen heads on it?

Kate: And then you can get the variety pack which is one of each of the Royal Family.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I don't think anyone wants a Camilla kebab.

Kathleen: Oh my goodness, does that mean I could eat Kate Middleton meat?! That did not come out right.

Kate: Only if that means if I can eat Prince William.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Dibs on Harry!

Kate: Ha ha! Patriotic cannibalism.

Kathleen: An old man in Vietnam is lucky to be alive after he tried out an unusual homeopathic remedy for constipation. He stuffed a squash that was eight centimeters wide and twenty centimeters long up his butt.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} That was... the cure?

Kate: I apologize in advance for getting a little self-referential here because there is a Feed Dump GIF of me doing this, but I feel like right now it's necessary... {SUBTITLES OF "NOPE" POPPING UP AS SHE SPEAKS} Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Nope. Nope. Fuckin' nope! {SUBTITLE: NOOOPE!}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} So he goes to the {AIR-QUOTES} "doctor" and he's like, "I can't make things come out of my bottom." And the doctor's like, "Put something back up!"

{SHOT OF KATE AND ALEX ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS WEARING HIS BLACK CAP}

Kate: Alex, I was watching this documentary about porn stars and they say that anal sex just loosens that shit right up.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Literally!

Kathleen: The old man had been doing this for a while and it's usually helped him with his constipation, but this caused a problem because he put the squash in too far and it got stuck. And this I feel is a learning experience because now that guy knows the limits of his body, and I now know that a man's body is capable of entirely engulfing a twenty centimeter long squash to the point where it cannot be retrieved.

Kate: {GRIMACES} ...I don't like educational Feed Dumps.

Kathleen: So it's been super cold and snowy in the United States, so you know what that means? Yes, it means giant snowball boulder time! Two students from the University of Oregon got a little carried away and rolled a nine hundred pound snowball into a dorm room where it caused $3,000 worth of damage.

Kate: It was just an elaborate prop for their reenactment of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Don't you mean Raiders of the FROST Ark?

Kate: Oh Alex, you're so punny!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Alls I'm saying is problems like these tend to snowball.

Kate: Ooh.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Maybe they were just trying to get everybody in that dorm to CHILL out!

Kate: Actually, you've gotta stop!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Wait wait, one more! They didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of avoiding... trouble from all that property damage.

Kate: Alright. Kathleen, you work the legs.

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD, PUNCHING NOISES IN THE BACKGROUND ALMOST HIDDEN BY MUSIC}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, HIS FACE BRUISED AND TISSUE COVERING A NOSEBLEED} I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I feel bloody awful! {MUGS BEHIND TISSUE}

Kathleen: A horse is a horse, of course of course, and where does a horse like to sit? Inside a house in Northern Germany, where its owner let it in one day 'cause it was cold and now it's just like "This is way fucking nicer than being outside" and is coming in for horse visits! Yay!

{SHOT OF KATE AND ALEX ON THE SOFA. KATE IS READING A COPY OF THE ECONOMIST. ALEX IS WEARING A HORSE HEAD MASK AND HOLDING A COFFEE MUG}

Kate: How's the coffee, dear? Not too strong?

Alex: {WEARING HORSE HEAD MASK} Nieeeheheheeeegh!

Kate: Nice.

{JUST ALEX}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, LEAFING THROUGH PAPERS} I'm doing my taxes. How do I file for a live-in horse?

Kate: I could see a live-in horse being better than a live-in girlfriend. You know, you don't have the barbie pins laying around the house, you don't have hair in the sink. More hooves, though.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} So, how do you housebreak a horse?

Kate: You know how you can train cats to sit on the toilets when they go to the bathroom? Just imagine if a horse did that.

{SHOT OF ALEX STANDING UP, WEARING HORSE HEAD MASK. ALEX SITS DOWN. SOUND OF BREAKING TOILET. ALEX LOOKS AROUND IN SHOCK, ALTHOUGH THAT'S JUST WHAT THE HORSE MASK LOOKS LIKE}

Kate: On the plus side, I don't think you would ever get robbed 'cause if I had the intention to rob a house and I walked in and the first thing I saw was a horse, I'd be like "Oh fuck no" because I don't know what I'm gonna see in the next room.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Oh them Germans. Always horsin' around.

Kathleen: Aaaand we're done with puns. But remember, until next time, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have {PUTS ON CHARMANDER TUQUE} this hat. Charmander! {MIMES SCRATCH} Kkkr! Or something, I don't play Pokemans. My Pokemans, I will not show you them. Et cetera, et cetera.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF KATE. CAMERA SEEMS TO BE HAVING TROUBLES FOCUSING ON HER}

Kate: {WHISPERING SOMETHING INDECIPHERABLE TO ALEX}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} For fuck's sake, camera, focus on Kate. {CAMERA GETS INTO FOCUS} There we are.