Maximum Macca Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Maximum Macca

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where you can have it your way! As long as your way is MY way. I'm a quarter pounder with cheese. Joining me this week is A&W's unstable ant burger,

Kathleen: I'm filled with Spam and I come with a side of tears.

Graham: and Wendy's Bacon-geddon burger, with extra bacon.

Paul: Can you hold the bacon? I like the rest of the sandwich, but just not the bacon part.

Graham: And now it's ti- {HOLDS UP FINGER, APPEARS TO BE PREPARING FOR A SNEEZE} {SNEEZES}

{TITLE: AND NOW I- WAIT... I JUSTAAA ACHOO!/NEWS}

Graham: A man convicted of smuggling ten million dollars worth of caviar into the US has been sentenced with a ten thousand dollar fine, and time served.

Kathleen: If you were importing that much caviar, couldn't you just afford to pay the ten thousand dollar fine? Was it worth ruining your life for over two decades?

Graham: I wouldn't say it ruined his life, I mean until they caught him in September he was shacked up in South America, and sorta living large. It was really like Catch Me If You Can, if it was terrible and about caviar.

Paul: It occurs to me that I don't actually know how much caviar ten million dollars worth of caviar is. Like, are we talking a bread box? Or like, a shipping crate of caviar?

Kathleen: And if we are talking like a shipping crate worth of caviar, how the hell do you smuggle all that in? It's like, "oh, yeah, just ignore uh, this um, refrigerated sort of smelly thing in the back room that's like the size of you know a s- shipping crate. Totally not there! Hey look over there, a dog! Like, that seems very awkward to me.

Paul: If Feed Dump has taught me anything, how you smuggle it is in your pants. I dunno how you fit it all in your pants, but somehow if you can fit thirty-five frogs or whatever people do, you can probably fit enough caviar.

Kathleen: He did do this in 1987. This was like right when like the super baggy pants crazy hit, as far as I can remember, so maybe he just had a really large pair of pants, and people thought he was just very stylish.

Paul: That style was really a boom for the uh, smugglers market, wasn't it?

Kathleen: The skinny jean crazy today, you just, you can get like one, maybe two alligators in there. Pffft. Amateur hour.

Graham: The appeals court in Cameroon overturned the conviction of two men who were charged and convicted of being gay, which is illegal there, because it's not actually illegal to be gay, it's illegal to do gay things. And they were not actually seen doing gay things, just cross-dressing things. Which is not strictly gay, as their lawyer fought for.

Paul: That's true, as Eddie Izzard points out, most transvestites are actually straight. So, there you go.

Kathleen: OK Cameroon, go with me on this one. You guys seem like, overall reasonable people. What do you say to a wonderful song and dance number in your court rooms, with like your supreme court judge or whatever, featuring Ru Paul, a bunch of gay people, and some drag queens, teaching you how to accept fabulous awesome lifestyles and gay people.

{WEARING TOP HAT, SINGING AND DANCING} Cha cha cha! It's OK to be gay, we all love high heels, {KICKS} yaaay! {TAKES OFF HAT AND MUGS}

Graham: In honour of Australia Day, McDonald's Australia will be changing select stores such that the signage for McDonald's will instead read the affectionate Australianism nickname "Macca's."

Paul: Good thing they don't do that here, because then they would have to officially change their name to "Eew, no."

Graham: The Macca's menu features such delicacies as {READING} fish and chips, the Aussie BBQ Brekkie roll, the Aussie BBQ lamb burger, the McOz, and a Pavlova McFlurry-

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

Kathleen: I would just like to take a moment here to set the record straight re:Pavlovas, the greatest desert ever invented. Now, the provenience of this desert is disputed. Some people say it got it's start in New Zealand, those people are correct, and some people say it was invented by Australians. Those people being lying criminals.

Graham: The New Zealand McDonald's menu by the way, whereas the Australian menu has a lamb burger, the New Zealand menu has the SERIOUS lamb burger. Served on a wheat germ bun, with egg and beet root. They also have a chicken burger with cheese. It's called the Chicken McCheese.

Remember those astronauts that got put into a capsule in Moscow seventeen months ago to simulate a voyage to Mars? They're free now, and they're all lethargic and depressed.

Paul: Yeah I mean what really sucks is that they went in and seventeen months later they come out and they're in the exact same spot! They're like, "what the hell?! This trip is gonna take forever!!!" {SIGHS}

Kathleen: And that same spot is Russia in the winter! UGH!

Paul: And the real question though is: the number of astronauts that came out, is that the same as the number that came in? Was there any kind of crazy somebody had to be restrained kinda stuff that happened? Over this seventeen months? 'Cause that could be tough.

Kathleen: How many bags of poop did they have to make while on this simulated trip? Maybe that's why they're depressed. Can you imagine having to poop into a bag for no good reason?! I'd find that incredibly demoralizing.

Graham: So, uh... who wants to tell them that since they went in, we launched a robot to Mars that landed there also. And is doing just fine, actually. So... {LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE} you know. Manned mission... less critical... but, uh. {BEAT} Good collection of poop bags I guess.

Paul: I can imagine the scene after they come out of the capsule, after seventeen months of doing this test. They all, all six of them come out and just kind of stand there and look at each other and look at each other, and they go, "alright, now we will never speak of this again." And all go separate ways and never talk to each other ever again.

Kathleen: And as soon as they're all like, ten feet away from the capsule, just this mountain of poop bags just tumbles out behind them.

Graham: Here's a fun activity for you at home! Complete this joke: three Russians, a Frenchman, an Italian-Colombian and a Chinese guy walk into a capsule.

Kathleen: {SMILING MANIACLLY} And they walk out seventeen months later with a hundred grand and as much poop as they can carry!

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Get off the poop train.

Kathleen: {ANGRY} NEVER! THE POOP TRAIN STOPS FOR NO ONE! POOP! {MIMES TUGGING ON A TRAIN WHISTLE} POOP POOP! {BREAKS, KATHLEEN LAUGHS, CAMERA STARTS SHAKING AS GRAHAM LAUGHS}

Graham: I feel like that'll do for this week, so until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat, {PUTS ON SANTA SPRING HAT WHILE HOLDING IT DOWN} which was donated to us and got held up in the Christmas shipping, {ADJUSTS IT} but I think you'll agree was roth the weight. {LETS GO, THE SPRING POPS UP AND THE POM POM BOBS UP AND DOWN} It's like a deconstruction of the santa hat. Also, you can do this. {SHAKES HIS HEAD BACK AND FORTH, MAKING THE POM-POM ORBIT HIS HEAD} So that's fun. {CONTINUES DOING IT UNTIL THE HAT FALLS OFF HIS HEAD} {QUIETLY} Damn.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Paul: I think we may have actually uncovered a conspiracy by law enforcement to encourage people to wear skinny jeans! This could go deep!

Kathleen: BUM BUM BUUUM! {WIGGLES HER FINGERS MENACINGLY}