Mugshots Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Mugshots
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} Welcome to Feed Dump, where {IN GRUFF WHISPER} I'M BATMAN. {NORMAL VOICE} Joining me this week is Commissioner Gordon,
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} I'm Gary Oldman.
Graham: -and Bane!
James: I didn't actually get a chance to see the movie, so... can I still play?
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} What? Kay. Leave, go see The Dark Knight Rises, we'll wait.
James: {SIGHS} Fiiine! {GETS UP FROM SOFA}
{TITLE: 2 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES LATER}
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} What did you think?
James: {SITTING DOWN ON THE SOFA} Oh I didn't actually go see it, I just went and got a snack.
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} Alright well we'll just do this anyway, 'cause... don't have any time now, James, thanks. And hopefully we'll find some criminal news stories to abuse?
{TITLE: FIND SOME NEWS STORIES TO ABUSE/NEWS}
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} A Georgia woman has a fresh new mugshot for misusing the emergency call system, after she dialled 9-1-1 to complain that a previous mugshot of hers was unflattering.
James: Why does she care if it's flattering or not? Is she planning on using it as her facebook profile picture?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Ooh! That would be a great idea! When you get a mugshot, it automatically replaces your facebook photo. Would be a great deterrent.
So, before she made this call to 9-1-1, did she like, get her hair all done, and get her makeup ready and everything like so she was ready for them to take the new photo when she got arrested for this call that she was making?
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} I don't think so, 'cause the new photo is also pretty unflattering.
{HOLDING UP IPAD WITH TERRIBLE MUGSHOT PHOTO DISPLAYED} That's the NEW photo.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Uh you hear a lot about these, you know, frivolous 9-1-1 calls, so I think there really needs to be, like, an awareness campaign put out there that 9-1-1 is not what you call if you just want to talk to the cops for any reason.
{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. JAMES IS ON HIS IPHONE. PAUL IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER HAT AND A SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE AND IS HOLDING A CORDED TELEPHONE RECEIVER}
Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE, TALKING INTO PHONE} Uh, hello sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
James: {INTO IPHONE, COYLY} Hiii!
Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE, TALKING INTO PHONE} Uh... hi? Are you in some kind of trouble?
James: {INTO IPHONE, COYLY} No, I just wanted to call and see how your day was goin'.
Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE, TALKING INTO PHONE} Oh! Well, it's fine. Thank you very much.
James: {INTO IPHONE, COYLY} That's... that's very kind of you.
Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE, TALKING INTO PHONE} ...what are you wearing?
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania, a mother faces up to six felony charges for accessing school records and changing her childrens' grades.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} See, this just shows our agism in our society. When Ferris Bueller does it, it's fun! When a parent does it, it's very bad!
James: I believe the same could be said for anything Ferris Bueller does.
{PAN TO PAUL}
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} That's fair, actually.
James: Can I just say: best mom EVER!
I wish my mom was a hacker!
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} I actually like this, it's quite heartwarming. 'Cause obviously, this mother, uh, knows a lot about her childrens' academic performance, in that she knows that they weren't doing that well, right? It wasn't like, the kids were like, "oh no, I'm gonna take back this F to my parents." The parents knew that they were having trouble and were doing what they could do to help. That was breaking into the school and changing the records, but still! The thought was there.
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} Apparently she accessed these grades a hundred and ten times, changing things such as an F for her daughter to an M, meaning medical exemption, and changing one of her son's grades from a 98 to a 99.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} So, a 98 was already really good, and she wanted to make it even better, but 100 would be too obvious.
{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS STILL WEARING THE SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE}
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Hey, wasn't this an F?
James: No, M. For... medical. Yes, medical reasons, she couldn't do it for medical... reasons.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} What, sucking in math is a medical reason now?
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} Because this is six felony charges, the upper end of the sentence she could be facing is forty-two years and ninety thousand dollars.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Ironically, if she'd just given the ninety thousand dollars to the school in the first place, they could have hired better teachers, had better text books, better equipment, maybe she wouldn't have had to change the grade.
James: Ninety grand?! I dunno, that's just bribin' money right there.
{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS STILL WEARING THE SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE}
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Congratulations! Your son got a 98 percent!
James: 98?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Yeah!
James: You sure you don't mean 99?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Uh, nope! No. It's definitely a 98.
James: I dunno, 'cause I think my son's being after-school tutored by my friend here: {HOLDS UP BILL} Ben Franklin?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Are you tryin' to bribe me?
James: Absolutely yes I am.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} OK, good. {TAKES THE BILL} Just wanted to make sure.
James: OK cool.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} We're on the same page. Excellent.
James: Sweet.
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} A woman in Newfoundland had to call the police after she discovered a drunk man passed out on the couch in her house. Who refused to leave. He is now being charged with what?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Uh whatever he's doing has gotta start with breaking and entering, because before that he's not actually in the house.
James: How about... failure to remove self from sofa?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Loitering?
James: Grand theft my spot on the couch?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Being drunk and orderly? Because he was sleeping which is not really disorderly?
How about lethargy in the first degree?
James: I dunno, arson? Murder? Assault? You haven't really told us the whole story, Graham.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Hey, yeah, that's a good point. He coulda done all sorts of stuff after he woke up on the couch.
James: {OFFSCREEN} Exactly!
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} The wording of the charge being levelled against this man is {READING FROM IPAD} "Unlawfully being in a dwelling."
{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. JAMES IS HOLDING A LONG BLUE FEATHER. PAUL IS STILL WEARING THE SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE}
James: OK, I've got a really good idea.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Alright.
James: Alright, so you invite everybody you hate to a party.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} I'm not liking this so far.
James: OK, OK, but you gotta stick with it, OK. So you tell everybody that they need to be out of the house by midnight, when everybody shows up you go around the house and set all the clocks back by an hour, and then when midnight rolls around, they think it's eleven o'clock, the cops show up, and they arrest all their stupid sorry asses.
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} This week in Copenhagen marks the fifty-fifth annual world Santa congress, where Santas from all over the world meet to hang out, and according to this article, do some Zumba fitness classes. Among other things.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Does anybody else when you hear "World Santa Congress" imagine like, a whole bunch of Santas sitting around in like, a dark room, it's like {IN GRUFF VOICE} "Alright, Santas. We need to discuss Naughty and Nice. Some of you have been too lenient!"
{SUDDENLY WEARING SANTA HAT AND SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} {IN GRUFF VOICE} Gentlemen, I propose economic sanctions against Timmy Jenkins, in the fifth grade. He's a big dick.
James: {WEARING SANTA HAT} Oh my god I'm so excited, first in line, oh my god!
{PAN TO PAUL}
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} I think you need more than just a hat to be Santa.
{PAN TO BOTH}
James: {WEARING SANTA HAT} Yeah, well you're not Gary Oldman! {RIPS SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE OFF OF PAUL'S FACE}
Paul: {GASPS} Eeeaugh!
Graham: {WEARING ZOMBIE TOQUE} No, wait, Mr. Oldman, come back! James, you scared Gary Oldman away! {SIGHS} Well, until next time, there may be better sources for news, {TAKES OFF ZOMBIE TOQUE} but they don't have {PUTS ON SMALL RED WOVEN TURBIN} this hat. {ADJUSTS, TRIES TO MAKE IT FIT} But they can have it if they want it. {STILL STRUGGLES TO GET IT TO FIT OVER HIS HEAD. EVENTUALLY HE GIVES UP AND SETS IT ASKANCE ON HIS HEAD, LIKE A FASCINATOR} {IN GRUFF WHISPER} I'M STILL BATMAN.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS WEARING THE SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE}
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Wait I think you have to like, tell them that you want them to leave.
James: Really?
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} Like, when you want- well, like, if you phone 9-1-1, and after you've done the pleasantries as we talked about,
James: {LAUGHS} Hee hee yeah.
Paul: {WEARING SALT-AND-PEPPER MOUSTACHE} -then probably the first thing they're gonna ask you is "did you ask them to leave?"
