Mullet Bandit & The Blondes Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Mullet Bandit & The Blondes

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Good day, and welcome to Feed Dump, where if you want news, we have acres of discount news. I'm superintendent Graham, and joining me this week, sub-intendent Paul,

Paul: Hi!

Graham: And intendent Kathleen.

Kathleen: {SNAPS AND POINTS AT CAMERA}

Graham: But before we get to the news, it's time for the forum comment of the week. "I actually laughed," raves the amazing hobo. Well, I'm very sorry about that, hobo, we'll try to make sure that doesn't happen again. And now, some newts.

{TITLE: AND NOW SOME NEWTS/NEWS}

Graham: Chicago police are on the lookout for a bank robber nicknamed the Mullet Bandit, who they say has "struck again."

Kathleen: It's a sad day for law enforcement, and good taste. The really sad thing is that mullets aren't even ironic anymore.

Graham: Now the trick is that the FBI say that this guy matched the "physical description" of the Mullet Bandit in his two previous crimes, in that he had a Seattle mariner's baseball cap, and large dark sunglasses. But this guy... had no mullet. It was later discovered, he was on to them, and had removed his mullet, by tucking it under the baseball cap.

Paul: HE'S A MASTER OF DISGUISE!

Graham: Frankly, I'm amazed this ever worked.

Graham: {WEARING MULLET AND BASEBALL CAP AND SUNGLASSES} OK, give me all your money.

Kathleen: {TO GRAHAM} Really? That hair? In 2011? REALLY?

Graham: {TO KATHLEEN, STILL WEARING MULLET AND BASEBALL CAP AND SUNGLASSES} What? D-Give me your money!

Kathleen: {TO GRAHAM} Hey! That's not even a Mariners' cap! You're not the Mullet Bandit! You're just some douche!

Graham: {STILL WEARING MULLET AND BASEBALL CAP AND SUNGLASSES} Awww...

{NOT WEARING HAT} In Brussels, which speaks both French AND Dutch, the metro service has stopped playing French music at their transit stations, after complaints from Dutch passengers.

See, originally, they just had sort of an international hit list playing, which meant many French songs, not very many Dutch songs.

Paul: Well it's not their fault the Dutch don't have any pop songs. This gives them something to aspire to! If you work really hard, and practice every day, maybe some day you're song will be played in the subway! In BELGUM!

Kathleen: It's time for Kathleen's political fact of the week!

{TITLE: ALL SAY: KATHLEEN'S POLITICAL FACT OF THE WEEK!}

Kathleen: Did you know, since the parliamentary election last June, the French and Dutch parties have not been able to form a government. The Dutch party wants more power for Flanders, and a sizable minority is advocating to split the country into two: the part with good pop songs, and the part with Dutch pop songs.

Graham: Wow, former head of the international monetary fund Dominique Strauss Kahn just can't get a break. First he gets accused of sexual assault, then he gets put under house arrest, and now, his head of security turns away a perfectly good inflatable shark that someone tried to bring to his house.

{LAUGHING} A guy just brought balloons and an inflatable shark to his house. And then his security was like, "no."

Kathleen: You know, if my career and reputation was in ruins, I'd probably find a bunch of balloons kind of uplifting. Also he could use that shark to sexually assault someone.

Graham: {CONFUSED} Is... is that a thing?

Kathleen: {WEARING SHARK COSTUME, SHARK HAT} It... COULD BE. {CHOMPS TEETH} RAWR.

Graham: {WEARING PORN GUY GLASSES} Hey baby, I'd like to see YOUR lateral line. ... They use them for sensory perception.

Graham: If the people of your country are depressed, what do you give them? A parade! Of five hundred blondes! Just to cheer them up! Latvia! This happened.

Paul: So! Five hundred blondes in a parade, eh? Did the parade get lost? 'Cause they're blondes? {MUGS FOR CAMERA} {OFF CAMERA LAUGHTER} And... we're jealous of their beauty? {HANGS HEAD IN SHAME}

Graham: I just made this up: did you hear about the blonde who tried to enter her float in the parade? The ice cream kept melting.

{RIMSHOT}

Kathleen: Did you hear about the blonde who missed the parade she was supposed to be in? She was engaged in sex acts and that caused her to be late, because blondes are sluts.

Graham: A German insurance agency is sticking by their story that at a recent company sponsored party, the agents were photographed snorting salt.

Paul: I mean, who would you want to have your insurance with? A bunch of guys who are doing drugs, or a bunch of guys who are really, really stupid?

Kathleen: Now they were doing something called cowboy shots, which is a thing with tequila, where you snort salt, take the shot, and then squeeze the lime into your eye.

Graham: Well, that's their story, but they did also admit that twenty prostitutes were hired for this company party.

Kathleen: Yeaaaaah alright I don't think they're doing cowboy shots anymore.

Graham: Now, let's see what the dump truck has brought us this week.

{TITLE: DUMP TRUCK}

Graham: This is something I found at the grocery store and couldn't pass up: it's a can of... "Protein Blast." {HOLDS UP BLUE CAN WITH RED LOGO THAT SAYS "Protein Blast"} Specifically, vanilla, there was chocolate and banana flavor, both funny for different reasons, but, um, {LOOKS AT CAN}... protein... blast. Really, really thought that one through, guys.

Kathleen: {READING CAN} Shake gently, contents under pressure. Open slowly to reduce potential splashing. {LOOKS AT CAMERA} This is... just... THEY'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.

Paul: {READING CAN} Alright so this contains "extreme pro, our unique protein matrix consisting of micro-filtered AND ultra-filtered whey protein." {LOOKS AT CAMERA} So they micro-filtered it, and then they ULTRA-filtered it. Or maybe they ultra-filtered it first, I don't know. Doesn't say.

Graham: {OPENING IT, LOOKS INCREDULOUS} Oooh it's milky white.

{MUGS FOR CAMERA} Nothing like a good protein blast. {TAKES A DRINK}

{LOOKS DISGUSTED} {SMACKS LIPS UNCOMFORTABLY}

I'm pretty sure this is what you use to put wallpaper up.

Kathleen: {TAKES DRINK} {LOOKS DISGUSTED} Uugh. {STICKS OUT TONGUE}

Paul: {TAKES DRINK} {LOOKS AT CAN} They try to put it in a package with extreme written on it and stuff, but this is basically like Ensure. It's amazing that there is a fairly large overlap in the Venn Diagram of "Things old people drink," and "Things bodybuilders drink." Weird.

Graham: That's your dump of news for the week, until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat. {PUTS ON METROID HAT}

Kathleen: {WEARING SHARK FIN HAT} Or this hat! {CHOMPS TEETH}

{PAN TO PAUL}

Paul: I don't think anybody actually wants that hat.

{PAN TO KATHLEEN}

{KATHLEEN LOOKS SAD}

Graham: {STILL WEARING METROID HAT} Yeah my hat wins.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING PORN GUY GLASSES} Also someone asked last week why the porn guy wears glasses, cause it was the thermal imaging joke. So now, the porn guy wears glasses. That's just how characters work. {TAKES OFF PORN GUY GLASSES} ORGANIC WRITING.

And it also helps with splash back.