Mustache of Choice Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Mustache of Choice
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are starting our own political parties. I am the Coalition in Favour of Cheese, joining me this week is the Camunist Minister of Fashion,
Kate: We don't necessarily care about people, but if we did, we'd care how they looked,
Graham: And a Derpitarian.
Alex: My platform is crooked. {FALLS OVER}
Graham: And we all had {IN BRO VOICE} like, an epic party last night, and we've all got the spews.
Alex: From political party to frat party in two?
Graham: What? You make it work in a sentence.
{WEIRD TITLES: WE'VE ALL GOT THE SPEWS/NEWS (SUBTITLE: (WEIRD TITLES AGAIN, FIXED NEXT TIME EDITION)}
Graham: Now that Movember is in the past, it's time to guess the results of an online survey for America's favourite celebrity facial hair.
Kate: Hollywood Hulk Hogan.
Alex: Christian Bale five o'clock shadow?
Kate: Freddie Mercury?
Alex: The... Charlie Chaplin slash Adolf Hitler 'stache?
Graham: No, so I'll give you a hint: any celebrity, live or dead, BUT he's the only celebrity I can think of whose facial hair you can easily buy replicas of.
Kate: Oh! Yeah! Of course. Tom Selleck.
Alex: It's like totes Groucho Marx, isn't it?
Graham: {WEARING BEAGLEPUSS} {IN COMICALLY OLD-TIMEY ACCENT} You just said the secret word! {IN NORMAL VOICE} Which is to say yes. {TAKES OFF BEAGLEPUSS} Groucho Marx apparently, favouritest moustache. Funny, because for most of his career it was fake.
Apparently fictional characters were not exempt from this survey, because the top ten were: Clark Gable, Brian "Fear the Beard" Wilson, the pitcher for the San Francisco Giants, fictional anchorman Tom Tucker, from Family Guy, Zach Galifianakis, Salvador Dali, Ambrose Burnside, a union army general in the American Civil War who coined sideburns, John Waters. No Tom Selleck. No Burt Reynolds. Because the top three were Groucho Marx at number one, Seneca Crane from the Hunger Games
Kate: {OFFSCREEN} {GROANS}
Graham: And at number two: the Lorax.
Alex: {DERPFACE} WAAAT?!?
Kate: Who exactly did they interview for this poll? Because nobody would have put Groucho Marx and Clark Gable on the same list as The Hunger Games and Family Guy. So clearly they only interviewed people over the age of 70, and under the age of thirteen.
Alex: Oooh, I spilled coffee all over the middle of this demographic survey. Whelp, gotta ship it out anyway.
Graham: Some authorities in New York City are trying to figure out why confetti thrown at New York's Thanksgiving Day parade was actually shredded police documents. With like, visible numbers.
Kate: {LAUGHING} Someone's getting fired!
Alex: Next year they'll just start flinging full IRS receipts into the crowd.
Kate: Incomplete FBI reports. {LAUGHS}
Alex: Just, like a printout of people's personal information, with like a gene sample attached. They're just like, here you go! {THROWS}
Kate: {LAUGHING} And full fingerprint records was well, dental records too-
{PAN TO ALEX}
Alex: Or just actual people's physical teeth.
{PAN BACK TO KATE}
Kate: Or just criminals. {LAUGHS}
{ALEX LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}
Alex: It's crime-fetti!!!
Kate: Warning: crime-fetti may contain five percent actual social security numbers.
Graham: San Francisco lawmakers have approved the construction of what may be the smallest apartments in the country. Two hundred and twenty square feet, including kitchen, bathroom, and closet.
Alex: I have actually rented smaller than that.
Kate: Legally, though?
Alex: {LAUGHS} Oh ho, no no no no. The walls didn't even go to the ceiling.
Graham: Don't worry, though. These apartments aren't just spacious. They're affordable as well: running anywhere from twelve to fifteen hundred dollars a month.
Alex: So, when you sign the rental agreement, a camera crew pops out and is like, "Eeeeeeyyyyyy!" 'Cause... there's no way that's serious.
{SHOT OF ALEX AND KATE ON THE COUCH}
Alex: {BOMBASTICALLY} Meet the next contestant on "Let's Make Terrible Life Choices!" {GESTURES TO KATE, MUGS}
Kate: No, I seriously need this apartment-
Alex: {BOMBASTICALLY} That's unfortunate!
Kate: I'm just here to sign the lease.
Alex: {SUPPRESSES LAUGHTER}
Graham: An island in the Pacific Ocean has gone missing.
{OFFSCREEN, KATE AND ALEX BOTH LAUGH}
Graham: {BREAKS, STARTS LAUGHING} Let me finish.
An island in the Pacific Ocean has gone missing, but it's looking like it may never have actually existed to begin with, and was only created through data error.
Alex: You know that thing that wasn't there in the first place? Yeah, it ain't there anymore.
Kate: Someone's gettin' fired!!!
Alex: I don't know, maybe they're onto something. If they can actually engineer real islands out of like, fake data, they could solve the overpopulation crisis?
{PAN TO KATE}
Kate: ...I... don't think that's how it works.
Alex: Are they sure it's gone? Maybe it just moved.
Kate: I like the weather patterns over here more. Just gonna go hang out in the sun. {WIGGLES}
Alex: Or maybe it like, exists in different parts of the map depending on your zoom level.
Graham: Or maybe the island is just like Brigadoon. But crappy and in the Pacific. {NODS} Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat {ATTEMPTS TO PUT ON MEDIEVAL SEIGE HAT WITH CHAINMAIL NECK GUARD WITH TWO GIANT GOOGLEY EYES ON THE FRONT; IT DOESN'T FIT} which we've modified slightly. Why doesn't this fit on my head anymore?
Alex: {OFFSCREEN} Careful.
Graham: Did this one ever fit on my head?
Kate: {OFFSCREEN} I don't think so...
Graham: {TRIES TO ADJUST IT} Hang on. The chain mail's getting caught in my ears. {LOWERS IT} Wait. There we go! {IT COVERS HIS HEAD COMPLETELY} {DANCES, WAVING HANDS} It's craaaazy!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kate: Warning crime-fetti may contain five percent social uncertainty-{MUMBLES} {LAUGHS}
{ALEX LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Stinger!
{KATE LAUGHS}
