One Hell of a Tinder Profile Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- One Hell of a Tinder Profile

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we're all back from PAX and that means we are all showing lingering signs of the PAX pox. I'm a three-day long crushing headache. It might be because you were at PAX and it was awful and loud and full of people that you hate, or is it because you're coming down with the flu? {THROWS HANDS UP} Who knows! Joining me this week is a persistent sore throat,

Cam: {HOARSELY} It's probably the four days I spent yelling at people, but it could also be the guy who sneezed directly into my mouth.

Kathleen: And a bunch of psychosomatic symptoms.

Ian: It's probably nothing... unless it's ebola!

{TITLE: FUN FACT: YOU CAN CATCH EBOLA JUST BY THINKING ABOUT IT!}

Kathleen: A twenty-three-year-old man from St. Charles, Illinois was slightly mortified (I mean, I'm not him, but I... would be) because he sent a dick pic to the HR recruiter who had just offered him a job.

Cam: Yeah... we don't think you'll be a... good fit here.

Ian: Bad news: he lost this job. Good news: he has all the qualifications necessary for state-level government.

Cam: Hey now, Anthony Wiener was a federal-level representative.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC. SUBTITLE: DICK PICS ARE FOR EVERYONE}

Kathleen: So this guy decided to celebrate his job offer in an unusual way: He decided to send a dick pic to a lady he knew. Unfortunately, he got her number mixed up with the HR recruiter's because some people are stupid and don't label their contacts, I guess. And it almost had a good ending because the HR recruiter saw this dick pic come in and went, "Oh, clearly wrong number," and ignored it, except the guy didn't get a response so he sent another dick pic, and when that was ignored, he decided to phone the person saying why she wasn't answering his booty call. At that point, she referred the matter to the police for harassment and his offer of employment was terminated.

Cam: Guys, I got a bit of advice for you. Even under the best circumstances, nobody wants a picture of your dick... ever. And if they wanna see it, they don't want a picture of it.

Ian: And when the kids in grade school were telling you to take a picture because it would last longer, they weren't talking about your erection.

Cam: The unsolicited and ignored first dick pic isn't necessarily the sad thing, and it's not even the second solicited and ignored dick pic. It's the phone call afterwards. What possible response could you hope to get?

Kathleen: {TALKING ON iPHONE, ACTING AS THE UNINTENDED HARASSER} Yeah, did you get that pic I sent ya? ...Yeah, of my dick. ...My-my dick. ...My- D-I-C-K... Dick. ...Penis? ...Mighty warrior? ...Trouser snake? ...No, it's not missing. Did you get the picture I sent you? ...What do you mean I should put it on a milk carton?

Ian: Now this-this guy seems like he'd actually be pretty good for an office. I mean, I've worked in places where you would send an email, then send a second one, then walk over to the other person's desk and ask "did you get that thing I sent you?" Except he'd probably drop his pants at that point.

Kathleen: Speaking of dicks and the stuff that comes out of it, there's a shortage of sperm in England. According to the director of the National Sperm Bank, just nine donors have signed up since it was established in the past year.

Cam: Well, rates of savings are down across the west. What are the bank's interest rates like?

Ian: I think in a recession, a bond market is a better place to put your deposit.

Cam: Or instead of savings, how do we know that sperm donors aren't using their deposits to pay down credit card bills?

Ian: It's generally frowned upon to send a... sopping wet envelope to Visa.

Cam: Oh please, it would have dried out days ago.

Kathleen: Although if you do try that bold strategy, I'm sure Visa would admire your spunk!

Ian: Nine people? There are more people willing to give bone marrow, and that is excruciating!

Cam: Masturbation isn't supposed to be excruciating?

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC. SUBTITLE: CAMERON NO SEE A DOCTOR}

Kathleen: A southern California man who picked up a rattlesnake to pose for a photo was badly hurt when the rattlesnake bit him on the hand.

Cam: A rattlesnake is essentially a meat-seeking missile! There's only a very select range of behaviors it's even capable of doing.

Ian: Come on! It has a built-in fucking alarm system so that you know when not to touch it!

Cam: Hopefully one of the behaviors it's capable of is thinning our herd.

Kathleen: The four-foot long snake bit the man after he had placed it around his neck according to a photo circulated by local television station KCBS. Uh, the TV station also talked to the man's mother who said {READING FROM iPHONE} "I am shocked he would have that thing around his neck! It could have bitten his neck and that would've been it. That's just being a fool!" The man may lose his hand due to the extreme swelling caused by the bite.

Ian: Did he nail the photo? 'Cos he may lose the hand, but now he's got one HELL of a Tinder profile!

Cam: He's gonna need one hell of a Tinder profile with only one hand.

Ian: Ooh, maybe there are too many rattlesnakes in Britain. That's the problem.

Cam: I think if you show up at a sperm bank with a hook for a hand and explained to them that you lost it wrapping a rattlesnake around your neck, that they just tear up your application in front of you and weld your urethra shut.

Ian: Cam, if you showed up at MY sperm bank with a hook for a hand, I'd be less concerned with why more of how? {MIMES MASTURBATING WITH HOOK}

Cam: You have a sperm bank?

Ian: Yes, and it's already one-ninth as successful as a British one.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC. SUBTITLE: THAT'S PROBABLY SUPER ILLEGAL}

Kathleen: Every story this week had penises in it. Penises in the middle, the beginning and the end and- Yeah, I realise that we are the people who stuck the penis in the last story, but come on! If you're picking up a rattlesnake, there's some sort of penis issue going on in general, which makes this whole episode some sort of dong ouroboros. Dongs throughout, always coming back around to dongs. A dong eating its own dong. And with that lovely mental image, it's time to call this episode to a close. So remember, there may be better sources of news, but they're not going to talk about dong ourobori, and they don't have this hat {HOLDS UP RAINBOW PATTERNED LEATHER TRILBY} which was donated to us by Emile Vikstrom and Matilda Wikstrom in Sweden. So thank you guys very much. {PUTS ON HAT} It's quite fabulous and shiny. It's like I took off my hat {LIFTS HAT OFF HEAD} to tip it to a fine milady and then uh, {REPLACES HAT} was shot by a bolt of rainbow lightning. It made me quite fabulous. I'll take it. Jazz hands! {JAZZ HANDS} Yeah!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Ian: Now this is England so the class system is clearly in play here which means they can't use the extremely wealthy, they're too high class. We can't use the poor because, duh. And we can't use the people who are already doing it on the train because they're empty.

Cam: That only leaves the middle class who, in their aspirations to upper-classdom, believe that public masturbation is exclusionary. {WHISPERS} But it doesn't have to be. It doesn't have to be.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC STARTS THEN GETS ABRUPTLY CUT OFF}