Papers, Please Transcript

Transcript for Papers, Please

Transcript

{Image of the queue outside the border checkpoint. The loudspeakers announce "Next!" and the next person in line enters the checkpoint.}

{Scene cuts to inside the checkpoint, where the darkened figure is revealed as Graham.}

Immigration Inspector (Andy): Y'ello! Y'ello, welcome, comrade! Is good, sit down. No, don't sit down, is no chair. Stand up, stand up is good. Is good! How are you? Good to see you! {salutes} Glory, Arstotzka! What are you here? You're here for entry, ja? Is only five lu. Give us cash, no American Express.

Teacher (Graham): I, uh...

Immigration Inspector: Kidding, of course, of course! {suddenly serious} Papers, please.

Teacher: I, uh- Yeah, of course. Here! {hands over his documents}

Immigration Inspector: Good, is good, very good. {looks at documents} What are you coming for to glorious Arstotzka, entry not guaranteed?

Teacher: I look for work.

Immigration Inspector: We have no work here, everyone unemployed. {hands back documents}

Teacher: Uh, but, clearly you have work.

Immigration Inspector: I volunteered.

Teacher: You don't get paid?

Immigration Inspector: Paid volunteer.

Teacher: That sounds like work to me.

Immigration Inspector: Barely qualifies work. Benefits terrible, and no dental. You have work visa?

Teacher: Uh, yes. {hands over his visa}

Immigration Inspector: {looks over visa} Work visa says you wish to be teacher. ... {closes visa} Teachers not needed, children cannot learn.

Teacher: I- What, why?

Immigration Inspector: None of them can read. {stamps documents and hands them back then speaks into intercom} Next!

{Disappointed, the teacher leaves the checkpoint, fading to black. Then the next figure enters the room, revealed as Paul.}

Immigration Inspector: Glory to Arstotzka! {salutes} Papers, please.

Father (Paul): Please, I-I come to visit my son. {hands over his documents}

Immigration Inspector: {looks over documents} Visit documents expired.

Father: What? I-I'm sure they are not. They expire on the 21st. {points at calender which reads 19-POTATO-1982} It is 19th!

Immigration Inspector: Today is 27th.

Father: No it isn't!

Immigration Inspector: 25th.

Father: It is the 19th!

Immigration Inspector: 23rd, is best I can do.

Father: {impatiently} But it's the 19th!

Immigration Inspector: Fine, 20th, but I swear to you I go no lower.

Father: Okay, as you wish. It is the 20th, but my papers don't expire until the 21st. They are still valid.

Immigration Inspector: {angrily} Liars not welcome in Arstotzka! {stamps documents and hands them back, then speaks into intercom} NEXT!

{Put off, the father takes his documents and leaves, fading to black. Then the next figure steps in, revealed to be Cam.}

Immigrant (Cam): Here is passport and ID card.

Immigration Inspector: No thank you, already have one.

Immigrant: What?

Immigration Inspector: {holds up ID card} Already have one. Do not need two.

Immigrant: But-

Immigration Inspector: No thank you! Maybe next year! {speaks into intercom} Next! Have papers ready, walk quickly, no pushing.

{Perplexed, the immigrant just leaves, fading to black. Then the next figure comes into the checkpoint, revealed as Kathleen.}

Immigration Inspector: Welcome! Are you hungry?

Lady (Kathleen): Here you go- Wait, vhat?

Immigration Inspector: You like the ladies? Of course you do. {pulls out card and hands it over} Take, take!

{The lady takes the card and looks at it. The card reads: 'Westward Ho! The real glory of Arstotzka. Featuring the "Thousand Island" Lunch'.}

Immigration Inspector: They have good salad bar. Used to be steak bar, but with world health crisis out in the big city, now it is salad bar. Still good, only ten lu, all you can eat.

Lady: I don't want.

Immigration Inspector: Salad is good for you! Health is important. Got to stay strong, live long time. Take care of family, take care of wife and kids. You want to see picture?

Lady: But I don't want salad, I want entry.

Immigration Inspector: {takes out wallet} My dear sweet only child. Isn't he beautiful? {shows picture of what looks like a cat in a bag} Good strong nose.

{The lady doesn't look too impressed.}

Immigration Inspector: And here, here is family. Intuchtine's family important, ja?

{The lady glosses over the picture, showing the inspector with his wife and child-thing. Just then, she hears a toilet flushing and she looks up just as the inspector comes dashing back in, doing up his flies.}

Lady: Did you just take bathroom break?

Immigration Inspector: What? Of course not, of course not! No bathrooms here, no bathrooms in Arstotzka. GET OUT! {speaks into intercom} Next!

{Infuriated, the lady throws the card away and storms out, fading to black. The next figure comes into the checkpoint, revealed as Beej.}

Immigration Inspector: Papers, please.

{The Colturian takes out his documents and hands them over.}

Immigration Inspector: {looks at document} You're from Colture?

Colturian (Beej): Yes.

Immigration Inspector: Congratulations!

Colturian: I get in?

Immigration Inspector: Of course not. You are randomly selected for complimentary X-ray photo session, please look at camera.

{The Colturian looks at the camera, flinching as his picture is taken. The immigration inspector takes the photo and looks at it.}

Immigration Inspector: {holds up photo} This not look like you! Rejected! {stamps documents and throws them back}

{Disgruntled, the Colturian leaves the checkpoint, fading to black.}

{Scene cuts to outside the checkpoint as the Colturian leaves.}

Immigration Inspector: Very good, thank you. Please exit through gift shop, commemorative photos available, only 19,99 plus shipping and handling. {salutes} Glory to Arstotzka. NEXT!

{We then see two officers observing the goings-on.}

Lieutenant (Alex): Yes sir, immigration is way down since we replaced the border guards with lunatics from the asylum.

Commanding Officer (James): Excellent work, Lieutenant. I'll see to it that you're Employee of the Year this fall.

Lieutenant: Thank you, sir. Glory to Arstotzka.

Commanding Officer: Sure, whatever.

{CREDITS}

Stinger

Immigration Inspector: What is taste in mouth? What is taste in mouth? Is like gum, but not gum. Like- no, is like asphalt. I had a little asphalt, too much asphalt today. I need stop checks stamped. Vladimir! Vladimir, more stamps! We have less stamps than we had before, I only have the twenty-seven cent ones. You know, I got this- {holds up stamper} I have this one, but I can't mail it today. Could I have more of this? It's just microphone- This is half microphone. Vladimir! What sort of Mickey Mouse operation we running here? This not- Is not good. We have Russian Mickey Mouse, is just like regular mouse, only starving and dying of dysentery. {sighs} Is so sad childhood, so sad. Much- {Andy breaks into laughter}

{Laughter offscreen as scene cuts to black.}

James: {offscreen} Let's go with that one!

Graham: {offscreen} Cut!