Prinking All Day Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Prinking All Day
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where in the spirit of international sports and cooperation, we are countries competing in the Winter Olympics. I, of course, am New Zealand! With a side of Romania. Joining me this week is Canada,
Ash: Yes, we are gonna sweep you again in hockey.
Kathleen: And Slovenia.
Andrew: I'm embarrassed to say, I can't even find myself on a map.
Kathleen: And we're all probably not going to get as many medals as the United States.
{TITLE: ACTUALLY, AT LAST COUNT WE HAD 2 MORE MEDALS THAN THE US! WE HAVE FOUR MEDALS!/NOT CRAP AT SPORTS!}
Kathleen: Authorities at Belfast are warning teenagers to avoid a new craze that they're calling "prinking". What is prinking?
Ash: I'm gonna assume that you're combining the words drinking and Pringles, so... blending up Pringles and drinking it?
Wait, that's not nearly dangerous enough. Smashing up Pringles and snorting them!
Andrew: I'm gonna assume that teenagers aren't that subtle and it just means doing drugs.
Kathleen: You were like 70 percent of the way there and then you went off on some Pringle tangent. {ASH LAUGHS OFFSCREEN} Prinking just means {AIR-QUOTES} "pre-drinking".
Ash: That's just drinking!
Kathleen: Belfast, I hate to break this to you, but teenagers have been pre-drinking since we invented alcohol. This is not new, this is not a trend. It is just something that we do. Well, not "we", I'm not a teenager.
Andrew: Nobody tell the authorities in Belfast, but I'm pretty sure teenagers are having sex too.
Ash: This {AIR-QUOTES} "new trend" of having sex before marriage: prexing.
{SHOT OF ASH AND ANDREW ON THE SOFA}
Andrew: {SEXILY} 'Sup girl, you uh, you wanna prex later?
Ash: {SEXILY} Only if we can... prink beforehand.
Kathleen: Dateline: Michigan. A battle wages on between Petoskey Batman and Bee Sting for leadership of the local masked avengers superhero crime fighting unit, and it has degenerated into name calling, nasty Facebook comments, and death threats.
Ash: {ARMS FOLDED} You're supposed to leave us something to make fun of, Kathleen.
Andrew: This seems like a really obvious winner to me. I mean, I'm assuming Bee Sting can only prevent one crime and then he dies.
Kathleen: {HOLDING WHITE IPHONE} So both of these dudes are part of a Michigan group of amateur superheroes, and they are contesting the leadership and uh, they used to be friends but now they're fighting over it and all sorts of nasty hurtful things have come out, including allegations of welfare fraud, probation violations, the misuse of money from a fundraiser for the homeless, one guy accusing the other guy of having two girlfriends and the other guy counter-accusing him of cheating on his fiance and the mother of his children, and you know, I-I can't really bother to keep their names straight but this is ridiculous.
Andrew: If they have this much time to fight each other, I'm assuming there's just... no crime in Michigan anymore.
Ash: This sounds like something that you would read on a teenager's Facebook page. Actually, how old are these people?
Kathleen: Really? 'Cause when I was a teenager, I was excited if ONE person was interested in me. And how does a guy who dresses up like Batman for a hobby get two girlfriends?!
Ash: I would date that guy.
Andrew: Me too.
Kathleen: Did I spend most of my teenage years alone and unloved because I wasn't dressing up like Batman?
Ash: Yes.
Andrew: As I read many times on the internet, always be yourself unless you can be Batman. Always be Batman.
Kathleen: A German man with a mysterious medical condition has Hugh Laurie's long-running popular TV show House to thank for his life, after his doctor saw his condition, which had puzzled other medical staff, and realized that it was the exact same thing he saw an episode of House.
{SHOT OF ASH AND ANDREW ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE WEARING WHITE DOCTOR'S COATS}
Ash: {WEARING WHITE DOCTOR'S COAT} You have to help me find something in these medical journals that will help us cure our patient.
Andrew: {WEARING WHITE DOCTOR'S COAT} {POINTS} House is on.
Ash: {WEARING WHITE DOCTOR'S COAT} How is watching House gonna help- Oh, holy shit!
{SHOT OF ANDREW}
Andrew: It was lupus!
Ash: It's NEVER LUPUS!
Andrew: {OFFSCREEN} It's ALWAYS lupus!
Ash: SHUT UP!
Kathleen: {READING FROM IPHONE} The unidentified man's case reminded the doctor of an episode of House where a woman, played by Candice Bergen, comes in suffering from heart failure and it turns out she has cobalt poisoning from her hip joint replacement. Same thing happened to this guy! So there you go. Thank you, Hugh Laurie and Murphy Brown.
{TITLE: HA! AND DAN QUAYLE SAID SHE WAS A BAD INFLUENCE. (SUBTITLE: REMEMBER DAN QUAYLE?)}
Kathleen: Crime is about to take a bite out of McGruff the Crime Dog after the actor who played him was sentenced to sixteen years in prison for possession oooooofff {READS FROM IPHONE} "1,000 marijuana plants, a grenade launcher, 9,000 rounds of ammunition, and 27 OTHER MISCELLANEOUS WEAPONS!" {JAZZ-HANDS- WELL, JAZZ-HAND}
{SHOT OF ASH AND ANDREW ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE WEARING POLICE OFFICER HATS AND HOLDING A VARIETY OF GUNS IN THEIR ARMS}
Andrew: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT, HOLDING ASSORTED GUNS} What is all this?
Ash: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT, HOLDING ASSORTED GUNS} I don't know, I don't wanna catalog all of this.
Andrew: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT, HOLDING ASSORTED GUNS} Eh, miscellaneous. {THROWS GUNS ON THE GROUND}
{JUST ASH}
Ash: It sounds like every bite of crime he actually took, he just spit out and hid in his house somewhere.
Andrew: He's a dog, he buried all that crap in the backyard.
Ash: I'm sorry, did you say a grenade launcher? That goes far and beyond taking a bite out of crime. That's like, take a fucking crater out of crime!
Andrew: It turns out actually only the pot was illegal. He had a license for the grenade launcher.
Ash: A DOG license! Bu-dum-tish!
Andrew: Tune in next week as we find out that Smokey the Bear has actually been lighting forest fires in Yosemite.
Ash: Eh, job security.
Kathleen: Well, there is something to be said for job security. And speaking of which, considering I'm hosting Feed Dump again, it's looking pretty good right now! Yeah. And on that bombshell, we must end. But remember, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have {PUTS ON GREEN MONKEY-LIZARD EARFLAP HAT} this hat, which in the field of being a weird monkey-lizard thing, has endless job security, I assure you. {PULLS ON FLAPS}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF ASH AND ANDREW ON THE SOFA}
Andrew: {SEXILY} 'Sup girl, you wanna-
Ash: {BREAKS} I'm sorry! {LAUGHS}
{ANDREW STARTS LAUGHING TOO}
Ash: These words are ridiculous!
Andrew: I know! Alright.
{BOTH COMPOSE THEMSELVES}
Ash: {EXHALES} Dead puppies. Go.
Andrew: {LAUGHS}
Ash: That's not funny, Andrew! {LAUGHS}
{ANDREW LAUGHS}
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Stinger!
{ASH AND ANDREW LAUGH}
