Qwerpline Ep13 - March Marchness Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep13 - March Marchness
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...
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G-MONEY: Good morning and welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with A-Train. How are you doing today Alex?
A-TRAIN: Feeling like five pounds of excitement in a 10 pound bag.
G-MONEY: Ah, plenty of room in there for more excitement then I guess.
A-TRAIN: Hoping to get stuffed by the end of the parade.
G-MONEY: As am I and hopefully you at home are having an equally exciting day here in scenic Nsburg: "Land of a Thousand Cakes".
{Graphic: town slogan}
{Laugh break}
A-TRAIN: They counted. It was only 998 cakes.
G-MONEY: Well, Swedish rounding.
A-TRAIN: I thought the rolled cakes were Swiss.
G-MONEY: No matter what they were, they certainly were delicious. Most of them. As you can probably hear today we are coming to you live from the QWRP mobile broadcast van. Newly washed, newly repaired, but smelling more intensely like ham than ever before.
A-TRAIN: It's a little more like sauna smoked pork now.
G-MONEY: It does it feel a little like a sauna in here. But this is what it takes to bring you the latest live coverage from March Marchness.
{Graphic: March Marchness}
A-TRAIN: The annual Nsburg parade showdown.
G-MONEY: Yes indeed we're down to the final four who have just begun their procession down 1st through 4th Avenues. And as always the first one to successfully parade their way into the Shaughnessy Turnpike wins the honour of being Nsburg's official spring parade.
A-TRAIN: Kumite, may the best parade win.
G-MONEY: It's quite a battle to get down to the final four this year. Just last week saw the elimination of the Nsburg High School parade, which is a shame for them but must be kind of a relief for the Nsburg High School Marching Band who have been participating in every other parade.
A-TRAIN: Yeah their fingers are worn down to bloody nubs. I didn't think you could play a tuba that hard.
G-MONEY: Indeed I've never seen anyone wear out a baton before.
A-TRAIN: And it was a shame to see fan-favorite the Million Mare March put away.
G-MONEY: Yeah but that many horses really kind of stank up the parade route, so it's not a huge loss.
A-TRAIN: Well, maybe not for you I had money on that race.
G-MONEY: But enough about the losers and on to the final four. We've got QWERPline staff covering each of the four parade routes, so we can give you all the up-to-the-minute coverage on March Marchness. Alex and I are on First Avenue with the Chamber of Commerce parade.
{Graphic: Nsburg Chamber of Commerce}
A-TRAIN: Widely tipped to win this year and here's the first float now: The Town Hall.
G-MONEY: Their float this year is a very convincing reproduction of the Town Hall itself, however as a note to any parade goers listening right now they are not legally allowed to serve drinks until they reach the Shaughnessy Turnpike.
A-TRAIN: Wow, this float looks amazing I can't wait to see what the Town Hall does as they bring up the rear.
G-MONEY: Next float coming into view now, it's The Novel Hovel, and of course they've gone all out for Tugger Nuts.
A-TRAIN: Oh they've got a pantomime goat that's moving very awkwardly.
G-MONEY: According to my parade notes here that's because the pantomime goat is actually ... two goats ... in a goat costume.
{Laugh break}
A-TRAIN: For authenticity.
G-MONEY: For authenticity, yeah.
A-TRAIN: Well then it's a good thing the Humane Society float is right up behind them. You can send your complaints right there.
G-MONEY: Just behind the Humane Society is the brave men and women of the Nsburg Volunteer Fire Department, riding a float that looks like a poorly wired electrical box.
A-TRAIN: And as tradition the parade is going to have to keep them separate from the Nsburg For-Profit Fire Department.
G-MONEY: Oh, it looks like the float lottery this year did not allow for that and they are actually immediately following the Volunteer Fire Department.
A-TRAIN: And speaking of here they are now, coming in hot.
G-MONEY: Oh boy, this is embarrassing. This, this is a disaster.
A-TRAIN: Yeah, out comes the paper maché - I hope they're paper maché fire axes.
G-MONEY: It's honestly an amazing sight, Alex. One group above a poorly wired electrical box, the other surmounting a gilded fire hose.
A-TRAIN: Beating the fuck out of each other.
G-MONEY: Yeah, yeah. We should step away and check back with this parade later. Let's go over now to summer intern Derek who is over on Third Avenue with the Nsburg 1986 Christmas parade. How's it going over there Derek?
{Graphic: Nsburg 1986 Christmas parade}
DEREK: Graham it's amazing everything here is just like my childhood.
G-MONEY: I don't know if that math checks out.
DEREK: They're just so many things here that are amazing. Everybody's dressed up like elves. There's red and green everywhere. Everything's covered in snow that my dad told me I'm not supposed to eat this year. There's floats that look like Christmas trees and there's one with the baby Jesus on it and he's throwing copies of Highlander on VHS who the crowd. Somebody's giving out free slap bracelets and I'm gonna get myself a t-shirt that says "Yo! MTV Raps" on it. I don't even know what that means!
G-MONEY: How's the parade look to you Derek? Do you think that this is the year that the Nsburg 1986 Christmas parade finally wins?
DEREK: Of course they'll win this year Graham. It's Christmas and Christmas has to win! I get older every year and this Christmas always stays the same age.
A-TRAIN: Unlike its participants.
G-MONEY: Yeah some of those elves must be getting on a bit.
DEREK: I was told that everybody here in the parade has been doing the same role for the past 30 years and I think that's admiral.
G-MONEY: Well, we don't need a blow-by-blow of what's in the parade 'cause it's the same every year. Derek, why don't you go and try and find the parade marshal and ask them if they've changed anything.
A-TRAIN: Spoilers: no.
DEREK: It'll be hard to find the parade marshal Graham 'cause there's so many people here but they're all walking really slow.
A-TRAIN: Derek just find whoever's in charge of the parade and talk to them.
DEREK: Oh, I know just the person.
{Graphic: Nsburg Chamber of Commerce}
G-MONEY: Alright great, we'll check back in with Derek later. Quickly an update from Alex and myself at the Chamber of Commerce parade. The Secret Pipesmen Secret Float has just come over the hill.
A-TRAIN: It's a paper maché train very subtly driven up to the van. They're all staring at me.
G-MONEY: They're really holding the parade up actually.
A-TRAIN: What part of "No" do you not understand?
G-MONEY: Alex has now rolled down the window and is engaging with the Pipesmen.
RICHARD THURPSTON III: You owe us this, you spineless pinhead!
G-MONEY: Haven't heard pinhead in a while.
A-TRAIN: Yeah we should be careful that one,
A-TRAIN (directed to the Pipesmen): it's an antique!
RALPH: Please?
A-TRAIN: Ralph, Dick. If you don't get that thing underway I'm gonna get the fire department to come here and dismantle it.
UNKNOWN: Which one?
A-TRAIN: Both!
UNKNOWN: That'd be a misappropriation of funds.
G-MONEY: Looks like the Secret Pipesmen Secret float has indeed started moving, which is good for them because right behind them, (can't believe I was ever thankful to see them), is Jimmy Jam's Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol driving, as always, the Prank Tank.
A-TRAIN: It looks really, really authentic this year. Where did they get a real Panzer 4?
G-MONEY: Uh, iunno, probably Krupp steel-works. They did though retrofit a t-shirt cannon into the barrel, which now that I'm saying it out loud, seems like a bad idea.
{Sound effect: cannon firing}
A-TRAIN: Uh.
G-MONEY: Huh.
A-TRAIN: Well that man may have lost all his teeth, but, hey, he got a free t-shirt.
G-MONEY: They should not be firing at, at point-blank range.
A-TRAIN: Nor should they be freezing the t-shirts so they grip the rifling.
G-MONEY: I know float order is doled out by lottery but maybe we should contact the parade marshal and get them to move up the Nsburg Paramedics so they could follow the Prank Tank.
A-TRAIN: They are cutting a swathe of promotional destruction through the crowd here.
{Sound effect: cannon firing}
G-MONEY: Yeah, Let's just, um, hunker down in the broadcast van in case they see us and try to give us a hoodie or something. And throw it over to Edith, who is on Second reporting on the Nsburg Arts Council parade. How's it going over there, Edith?
{Graphic: Nsburg Arts Council}
EDITH SLUMP: I hate to be the voice of pedantry Graham, but this is actually the Nsburg Arts Council's Nude March. A stunningly original concept that's really raised the parade game this year I think.
G-MONEY: Nude March? Man, Alex we're at the wrong parade.
A-TRAIN: Don't get too excited Graham. They're not _good_ nude, they're _art_ nude.
EDITH: This year for their parade concept, the Nsburg Arts Council decided to deconstruct the very meaning of what a March Marchness parade is. They've done away with ostentatious costumes and colorful floats and really taken it down to the core of what a parade is about, which is the human form. To celebrate the human form they have decided to go completely nude covering themselves in loose wet clay to reveal the true inner self.
A-TRAIN: So they look like muddy pink raisins that've been rolled in pubes.
EDITH: That's a simplification of the beauty I'm seeing before me, but it's not _in_accurate.
A-TRAIN: There anything else in that parade that's a little easier on the eyes?
EDITH: There's something for every sense to appreciate Alex. Instead of the traditional marching band, the Nsburg Arts Council has elected to hire the Nsburg Primal Scream Therapy Men's Choir to do a rendition of O Fortuna.
A-TRAIN: No clips, _please_!
EDITH: Unfortunately Alex, March Marchness has weighed heavily on the vocal chords of the Nsburg Primal Scream Therapy Men's Choir, as you can hear in the background they don't have much O left for their Fortuna.
{Sound effect: Hoarse men's voices in an attempt at a screamed version of _O Fortuna_, choking and coughing}
A-TRAIN: That was... a thing I heard.
EDITH: Well Alex, as impressive as that was, I think the real gem of the Nsburg Arts parade is the interactive "Taste of Nsburg" float they have.
A-TRAIN: The what now?
EDITH: To represent the sensation of taste, the Nsburg Arts Council has hired local chemistry professor Raphael Crinklestouf to create an all new synthetic flavor evocative of Nsburg.
A-TRAIN: Please no.
EDITH: That's right Alex it captures everything from the majestic culvert grid in East Sump Acres to the breathtaking hill in Raster Heights. It's truly a literal taste of Nsburg.
A-TRAIN: I'm gonna regret popping this question, but what does it taste like?
EDITH: Nacho cheese.
{Laugh break}
A-TRAIN: I cannot believe that I'm disappointed.
EDITH: I'm a little disappointed as well Alex, because I do have to provide a warning to listeners wanting to bring their little ones to the Nsburg Arts Council's parade. The "Taste of Nsburg" is unfortunately being dispensed from the teat of a paper mache raccoon, so unless you want to have the talk with your kids you may want to leave this parade before that float shows up.
A-TRAIN: What about the nude people?
EDITH: The human body is a beautiful thing not an object of shame Alex.
A-TRAIN: Same not true for the raccoon body apparently.
EDITH: Next up for the sensation of touch, we have ...
G-MONEY: Hey Edith. Thank you for that but unfortunately we have to let you go because it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam, who is going to tell us all about the East Sump Acres Community Association parade from his vantage point high above the return of third Avenue on the QWRP parade blimp. How's it going up there Richter?
{Graphic: East Sump Acres Community Association}
RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: I am floating through the air, Graham. Lazily and without a care.
G-MONEY: That's great for you. Tell us all about the East Sump Acres Community Association parade Richter.
RICHTER: Traffic is moving gradually down the return of Third Avenue towards the Shaughnessy Turnpike. I would advise all commuters to find an alternate route.
A-TRAIN: You're doing this on purpose.
RICHTER: Yes it's my job and I'm proud to give the straight talk that QWRP is known for in its reporting.
G-MONEY: Could you also tell us about the parade?
RICHTER: Certainly Graham the people of Sump Acres are my people. East Sump Acres, not those bastards out in the West. Local entrepreneur Ball Hickley has found the ideal mix of hydrogen and his various perfumes which he has pressurized into a network of black garbage bags. He's floating in a lawn chair 18 feet above the street providing a free sample of his wares to lucky participants of the parade as he fires a BB gun into the air wildly.
A-TRAIN: That sounds repulsive and dangerous.
G-MONEY: Yeah isn't every float in the East Sump Acres parade inflatable?
RICHTER: Inflatable and airborne Graham, thanks to a generous donation from Harry's Hydrogen Hunt. Harry's Hydrogen Hunt, oh the Humanity.
A-TRAIN: What an awful, tasteless slogan.
RICHTER: Much like the gas itself Alex. Directly behind the QWRP parade blimp you will find the volunteer Coast Guard in their airborne zodiac inflatable boat. The zodiac, well known for its stability on water, unfortunately in the air has capsized and Captain John has strapped himself to the keel all those. PSPs he has been throwing into the crowd thus far will do him no good in the air's cold embrace.
G-MONEY: Is there anything else you can see in the parade from your vantage point, Richter?
RICHTER: In the distance, through my spyglass, I can see the hazy cloud which must just be obscuring the Raymond’s Talc Barn biplane, which is pulling this entire train down the road. God knows what the wind speed must be to keep him from stalling and us moving lazily along at this pace.
{Laugh break}
BEEJ: That is impossible!
A-TRAIN: I tell you Raymond is an incredible pilot.
RICHTER: The only other pilot I'm trust to fly me home after I'm three sheets to the wind at the Town Hall. Back to you Graham.
{Graphic: March Marchness}
G-MONEY: Thank You Richter. Speaking of which we are just about at the end of our parade but first we have to check back in with Derek over at the 1986 Christmas parade, to see if they've got anything special going on this year. How's it going Derek?
{Graphic: Nsburg 1986 Christmas parade}
DEREK: I found him Graham, I found him. The man in charge of it all.
G-MONEY: The parade marshal?
DEREK: Yeah Santa.
G-MONEY: Damn it.
DEREK: I spoke with the elves and they've agreed to give me an exclusive interview but I'm not allowed to sit on his lap because they said he's brittle like a twig.
G-MONEY: Well he is 97.
DEREK: No Santa's one of the seven immortals.
G-MONEY: Jesus.
DEREK: Oddly not him. Now Mr. Claus, I have it on very good authority that I've been a very good boy this year and therefore for Christmas you must answer all of my heart-hitting questions.
SANTA: {Groan} ...How much money?
DEREK: Question the first: do you have to change your rounds now so you can go to the Amazon to pick up everyone's wish lists?
SANTA: {Groan} ...Married the contest...
DEREK: Oh I see very illuminating question B my dad got a new cell phone last year for Christmas what is your revenue share model with the carriers
SANTA: {Groan} ...Can no longer downshift the...
DEREK: good answer now question three did you influence any new things to show up this year at the 1986 Christmas parade please say no. Mr. Claus? Kris Kringle? Um, guys. I think he did what you've been calling pulling a Richard Thurpston.
A-TRAIN: Jesus Christ and for the record I've never said that.
G-MONEY: Absolutely not.
DEREK: No No No. I only have room for one ghost inside me Santa. You can't do this.
SANTA: {Snores}
DEREK: Oh I think he's sucking it back into his body.
A-TRAIN: Thank shit for that.
SANTA: ...Down the Panzer corp...
DEREK: Oh no wait guys, don't panic. He was just asleep.
G-MONEY: Of course he's asleep, he's 97. He's been doing this parade for 30 years. The man's on a day pass from Rusty Splines Retirement Home.
DEREK: They have a Rusty Splines in the North Pole? I had no idea they were a franchise.
G-MONEY: Well thank you, Derek.
DEREK: But he didn't answer my question for you.
A-TRAIN: Some men have to have secrets Derek.
SANTA: ...Finally all relocated to Argentina...
G-MONEY: Thank You Derek. Well it looks like the parades will be converging any moment now because the Town Hall is now going by wrapping up the Chamber of Commerce parade.
{Graphic: March Marchness}
A-TRAIN: Oh thank goodness I could really use a stiff drink.
G-MONEY: No no, the town hall was at the beginning of the parade.
A-TRAIN: Damn it.
G-MONEY: We can just about see the finish line from the broadcast van and it looks like it's about to be a photo finish between the Nsburg Arts Council nude March and the East Sump Acres Community Association.
A-TRAIN: Though maybe you don't want to take a photo of that.
G-MONEY: And oh wow, Alex look. Smelling victory, it looks like Raymond has put the hammer down on that biplane and is just racing across the finish.
A-TRAIN: Raymond did not think this through he's torn all the tethers and the floats are ... drifting lazily across town. Huh.
G-MONEY: Huh the Arts Council is not taking this lying down and the taste of Nsburg float is flooring it. I can't really see what's going on here. Richter do you have a better vantage point from the parade blimp?
RICHTER: Graham, as I drift aimlessly towards Raster Heights, I can in fact confirm that Raymond has crossed the finish line and, as is a tradition of any pilot, in celebration, has released his talc-y load upon the citizens of Nsburg.
DEREK: Guys, guys, it's snowing, it's snowing! This is a Christmas miracle. {Coughing} Carcina-what?
G-MONEY: Ooo, hey, Gus roll up the windows and get us the hell out of here.
A-TRAIN: It's gridlock. How are we gonna get out of here?
G-MONEY: Wait, look. The Girl Scouts have commandeered Jimmy Jam's Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol.
A-TRAIN: Great. Gus, follow that Prank Tank!
G-MONEY: We're gonna take a quick break, stick around folks more QWERPline after this.
{Graphic: QWERPline}
ANNOUNCER: You're listen to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...
{Graphic: The Lougheed Tough Slough Plough}
ANNOUNCER: ... the Lougheed Tough Slough Plough. Dig a trough through your borough in no time with the Lougheed Tough Slough Plough. Quiet as a hiccough.
