Qwerpline Ep40 - Kitty Corner Plus Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep40 - Kitty Corner Plus
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...
{Graphic: The Charlemagne Boomerang Meringue}
Announcer: ...The Charlemange Boomerang Meringue. A dessert fit for an emperor that you can send to your friends with the flick of the wrist. The Charlamagne Boomerang Meringue: only throw on level terrain.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, it's Big G-Money here with A-Train. How is it going Alex?
A-Train: Adequately medicated.
G-Money: MMM, Goals.
A-Train: I know a guy. You guys should, uh, talk.
G-Money: I will talk to all of our wonderful listeners out there in scenic Nsburg...
{Graphic: Town slogan}
G-Money: ...This is not a place of honor.
A-Train: Nothing valued is here.
G-Money: Least of all: the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
G-Money: The Nsburg cat burglar has struck again. The Humane Society has been emptied out for the third time this month and they are asking for help in finding their furry friends. So if anyone has seen Waffles, Mr Meowsington, Binky, Phucko (with a Ph), Ethan, Corporal Hungry-Whiskers, Dog, Chonko, The Experience, Samuel Shuffle-Cat, Senor Squeaks, Marmalade, Richard Thurpston the Turd, Raul, one that I'm definitely not repeating on the radio-
A-Train: Why'd you say then f{beep}o then?
G-Money: I said it with a pH, stop that. Anyway, if anyone sees cats that answer to any of those names: please contact Officer Steve in the Nsburg PD so he can forward it to the animal crimes division.
A-Train: They have an animal crimes division?
G-Money: Sure do, for reasons that start with an R and end with an -itcher Hammockslam.
A-Train: Oh, that adds up.
G-Money: And the Raster Heights Octogenarian Social Association are having an introduction to kabaddi night. Participants are encouraged to bring their own resperator and or oxygen supplies but gauze and Bactine will be free of charge.
A-Train: Sounds like a breathtaking event.
Edith Slump: Actually, Alex, as a spectator sport it leaves quite a bit to be desired. But it does make for a thrilling manga. Shakunetsu Kabaddi will leave you on the edge of your seat.
A-Train: Huh? Edith, I didn't take you for a weeb.
Edith: Sorry, I was hanging out with Gus all weekend.
G-Money: Boy, you know what sounds as fun as a weekend with Gus? Dirt.
{Graphic: The Nsburg Archaeological Private Members Association}
G-Money: The Nsburg Archaeological Private Members Association is currently excavating an exciting find from Nsburg's Ice Ages. We have, on the phone, member at large of the Nsburg Archaeological Private Members Association, Darren Von Spront. Mr Von Spront, welcome back to the show.
{Graphic: Let's go to The Phones}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Darren Von Spront - NAPMA, Member at Large}
Darren Von Spront: Always a pleasure Graham, always a pleasure Alex.
A-Train: Get your nose out of my trousers, Sponto.
Von Spront: As ancient as they may be, your trousers hold nothing of value to me Alex. No, I am here to tell you about a find of great historical importance and possibly great renown for the city of Nsburg.
A-Train: Uh-huh. And you're definitely not buttering me up for anything that I could, uh, sign off on?
G-Money: Please, Mr Von Spront, tell us uh what NAPMA-
Von Spront: Please, we would prefer if you would say it in full.
{Caption change: ON THE PHONE: Darren Von Spront - Nsburg Archaeological Private Me[cut off by edge of frame]}
G-Money: What the Nsburg Archaeological Private Members Association has discovered.
Von Spront: Well, it is a remarkably well-preserved example of some macro-fauna from the pleistocene. By rings on the tail and the sheer size of it, this could be a genetic ancestor to perhaps all the population of Nsburg.
G-Money: Rings on the tail-I'm sorry Mr Von Spront, ancestor of what?
Von Spront: Our cities fine raccoons, of course.
G-Money: So the NAP-the Nsburg Archaeological Private Members Association has discovered a giant, macro-fauna ancestor of the raccoon?
Von Spront: Yes. This Ursa Pertanithum, or as I like to call it myself Gigantacoon...
{Graphic: The Prehistoric Giganticoon}
Von Spront: ...is perhaps the earliest known evidence of a raccoon in the city of Nsburg and and is therefore the-the Mitochondrial Eve, one by say, of all of our tiny shuffle cats.
G-Money: That's amazing. Where is it? Where have you found this discovery?
Von Spront: Well, that's an interesting story. I was taking my morning constitutional along the Chumble Flood Plain ...
{Graphic: returns to Let's go to The Phones with cut-off caption}
Von Spront: ...when I caught my eye upon a very shiny, yet round, piece of stones that I have not seen before. I was, uh, bending down to look at it sweeping away some of the detritus around it and-
Raphael Crinklestouf: Hello? Hello! Don't listen to this charlatan.
A-Train: Oh, I haven't been.
Crinklestouf: That's right, radio listeners, it's me Raphael Crinklestouf. I'm calling from the kitchen.
{Caption added: Raphael Crinklestouf}
G-Money: Sorry, w-how are you on this line?
Von Spront: Well, Graham, it is actually quite simple. If you're on a landline and you pick up the phone in the house where there's already a call going on you get, what we call, a Munich party line.
A-Train: Last time I was on one of those it cost me $1.50 a minute.
Crinklestouf: As much as I hate to say it, my detestable colleague is correct. I am calling from the kitchen and Mr Von Spront is currently occupying the phone in the den, thinking he could beat me to this big scoop.
G-Money: You-you two live together?
A-Train: This is a reality TV show.
Von Spront: Nein, this is the reality of scientific progress. The funding for the paleontological arts is very low these days.
Crinklestouf: I've had to make many concessions to continue my lifelong pursuit of science. In this case the Nsburg Archaeological Society had to acquire a new office.
{Caption change: Raphael Crinklestouf - NAS, Member at Large}
Von Spront: You keep calling it a society and yet I have yet to see the Great Seal of Nsburg on the registration documents. No, the Nsburg Archaeological Private Members Association would like to invite all citizens of Nsburg down to see the excavation of the Giganticoon.
A-Train: Sorry, you haven't excavated it yet? How do you know what it is?
Crinklestouf: Well, we hired a local pilot to fly over it with ground penetrating radar and the level of penetration we achieved could not be believed.
A-Train: Graham, can you cover me for 30 seconds? I want to nuke some popcorn.
G-Money: Oh heck yeah. Mr Von Spront?
Von Spront: And after spending many long and very, very expensive months interpreting the data the silhouette could not be mistaken as anything except a Giganticoon.
Crinklestouf: Damn it Von Spront, I've told you we are not calling it a Giganticoon! Its name is Big Racky!
Von Spront: His name may be Big Racky, and judging by the form of the radar he has amazing testicles, but I assure you that it is a giganticoon by species.
A-Train: Edith was already making popcorn, what did I miss?
G-Money: Uh-it has amazing testicles.
Crinklestouf: Big Racky's enormous, distended scrotum surely caused him great distress in perambulation.
A-Train: Hey Michael, you want popcorn?
G-Money: I'm right here.
Crinklestouf: And so are we. And we at the Nsburg Archaeological Society stand for nothing if not the barest truth. Big Racky had sore balls.
A-Train: I don't need to hear that. Just stop. Could you stop?
Von Spront: It is an indisputed fact that the Giganticoon had enormous testicles which kept it from moving about to find a mate. It is the Nsburg Archaeological Private Members Association's opinion and hypothesis that this is the reason why they kept a harem of slightly smaller, female raccoons around specifically for breeding purposes.
Crinklestouf: His name is Big Racky and we're the Nsburg Archaeological Society. Look I even put the sign out front this morning. Besides how are we going to get all these people into our basement.
Von Spront: First of all, Crinklestouf, that sign is nothing more than a recordable CD that you sharpeed the name to then stuck in the microwave because you thought would look cool. And second that basement will be plenty enough to house as many school classrooms as we need once this second exit is added to make for, let's call it, airy ambulatory movement.
G-Money: What do you mean the basement? Are you digging in this house you've rented? Where the hell are you guys?
A-Train: Didn't you ass{beep}s say you on the Chumble Flood Plain?
Crinklestouf: The layabouts at City Hall wouldn't give us a permit to excavate any part of the Chumble Flood Plain, so we rented a house nearby.
G-Money: The only thing on the Chumble Flood Plain is Highway 3. There's no houses nearby.
A-Train: Oh no. There's one.
G-Money: Oh!
Von Spront: There are no laws against digging on private property. We simply employed some lateral thinking to the opportunity
Crinklestouf: We rented a very big drill.
G-Money: So you're digging sideways out from the basement of the Highway 3 spite house?
Crinklestouf: In the general direction of where we think Big Racky is, yes.
Von Spront: And technically, we do have to call it an in-law sweet.
Crinklestouf: We got the idea from a film we watched during movie night.
Von Spront: I believe what you call the tagline of that film was, uh, "I drink your dig site. I drink it up."
Crinklestouf: Still a lot of drainage to worry about, though.
Von Spront: Hydrological concerns of that matter for future us to worry about
Crinklestouf: And we haven't met future us yet.
Von Spront: But the technology is under heavy development, watch this space.
Crinklestouf: And time.
A-Train: Well, I'm glad you two are getting along. Look forward to hearing from future me when the highway caves in.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: So there you have it listeners. Now future you has a chance to get an eye full of Big Racky's sore balls at the Highway 3 spite house.
A-Train: Uh yeah, this is one shot you probably want to miss.
G-Money: Well, speaking of sore balls, we go now to Ritcher Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?
{Graphic:Traffic}
Richter Hammockslam: Hi Graham. Sorry, I can't chat right now I'm actually in the middle of work. I'm doing some ground penetrating radar and unfortunately the radio signals really play havoc with the results, so I'm going to have to let you go. Talk to you later though. Byeeeee.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Well. I didn't want to talk to him anyway. Oh, Jone's lights going off. Um, yes, next is, uh, it's the Arts with Eee-Montgomery Kone.
A-Train: What?
G-Money: Hi?
{Graphic: It's the Arts!}
{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Montgomery Kone - QWRP Sports / Arts?}
Montgomery Kone: That's right sports fans, it's me Montgomery Kone, your sports reporter, now also come to you doing the Arts, because I beat the legendary Edith Slump in a drinking contest and she owed me a favor and now I get to do the Arts, so there.
Edith: Monty, the only reason you can drink more Peach Scrobbler than I can is because I don't want to drink any Peach Scrobbler.
Monty: A win on a technicality still a W in my books Edith.
G-Money: Okay, so what's happening in the Arts?
Edith: I'm dying to find out.
Monty: What's happening this week, Graham? I'm happening! I'm happening all over the Arts here in Nsburg. I recently trawlled the boards and I want to talk about it to the audience
G-Money: Monty, you act?
Monty: Hell yeah, Graham! Sideball, musical theater, I'm a triple threat
A-Train: What's your third threat?
Monty: It's a surprise Alex, that's why it's a threat. Anyway, the Arts, Did you know that the Nsburg Children's Theater Society...
{Graphic: Nsburg Children's Theater Society}
Monty: ...is doing an adaptation of Salome?
G-Money: I did not know that.
Edith: I'm keenly aware.
Monty: They finally got the last of their permission slips signed, but it turns out if you're going to do the Dance of the Seven Veils, you got to be 18 years of age or older. That's where your old pal Monty comes in.
G-Money: Comes in how?
A-Train: Stage left, I think.
Monty: You guessed it, Alex. That's the third threat: I offered to dance.
A-Train: Oh congratulations, I am both surprised and threatened.
Edith: What would you say your favorite part of being in Salome has been so far?
Monty: Well there's this one part where they take one of the little kids, who's like one of the actors, and lock him in a water tank and he screams that Jesus is coming for like five solid minutes. It's a hoot. Then they clear the auditorium and I'm allowed to come out and dance.
Edith: And how is the choreography treating you?
Monty: I spin a little, I juke a little, you know I kind of dodge my oncoming opponents, but it's a little less John Madden and a little more Bob Fass, if you get my meaning.
Edith: It is distressingly clear, yes.
{Graphic and caption: It's the Arts returns}
A-Train: Hey Kone, where can I get tickets? I might actually want to watch this.
Monty: Alex, you want tickets? I got a book of 50 in my backpack. So there you go sports fans. Come on down to the Nsburg Children's Theater Society and check out Salome. I'll be signing autographs after the show. But remember to bring proof of ID because if you're underage you'll have to go outside for a 3 minute smoke break.
G-Money: Well, thank you. Um, is there anything else going on in the Arts this week-Monty is leaving the-has left the studio. He's, he's gone.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
A-Train: Hey, Edith, why were you having a drinking contest with him in the first place?
Edith: Because he really wanted me to cover a play he was in and I was trying to save him some embarrassment.
G-Money: Well, from food for the soul to food ... whenever you need it, we go now to Summer Intern Derek...
{Graphic: Live on Location}
G-Money: ... who is on location at the corner of Chobalt Boulevard and Bitumen Tangle at the Grand Opening of Nsburg's first Kitty Corner Plus location. How's it going Derek?
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
Derek: Man, it's so great that you guys gave me this assignment. I haven't been to a Kitty Corner Plus yet.
A-Train: Checking off that bucket list, huh?
Derek: I'll keep an eye out for one your Excellency.
G-Money: You sound real excited to be there Derek.
Derek: How can I not be, Graham? There's Kitty Corners all over Thurpston County, but this is the first time Nsburg gets to enjoy the luxurious shopping experience of a Kitty Corner Plus.
{Graphic: Kitty Corner}
G-Money: I mean, I get what you're saying. I went to a Kitty Corner Plus in Lesser Miami once and it was pretty nice.
Derek: You did? And you didn't bring back any limited edition merchandise?
G-Money: I just wanted a chocolate bar Derek, not a commemorative Schlorpo cup.
Derek: They had El Schlorpo flagon it and you didn't even get me one?
G-Money: Derek.
Derek: You didn't even call to ask.
G-Money: Derek, can you please describe the grand opening of this luxury convenience store.
{Graphic and caption: Live on Location return}
Derek: Oh, where do I begin Graham. It's a magical day here in in the streets of Nsburg. The Kitty Corner Plus stands majestically three stories tall. Each story the same as the one below it so that everyone can have the same shopping experience.
G-Money: Wait, I never went upstairs at the one that I went to. All three floors are the same?
Derek: You didn't?
G-Money: No, there was no elevator. And it sounds like I didn't need to.
Derek: But the second floor is the only place you can order tickets to go to the animation museum.
G-Money: So then they're not the same.
Derek: Well, I suppose you're right Graham. But we're not counting the whole as-is® secret basement, are we?
A-Train: The whole secret basement is as-is®?
Derek: I know, right. Normally you just see as-is® chips and as-is® coffee sitting on the shelves upstairs, but now we have an entire floor devoted to the kitty corner house brand.
{Graphic: Kitty Corner as-is®}
Derek: That means you can buy rare products.
G-Money: Ooh, do they have the as-is® box wine?
Derek: I can't go past the beaded curtain on the radio Graham, I'm 19.
A-Train: Oh, I bet that's where they keep all the as-is® novelties
Derek: Oh, no, you can buy as-is® icecream sandwiches on the first floor.
G-Money: Ooo, do they make those with the same icecream they put in the Thick Ones?
Derek: They sure do, Graham. And actually, that's a great point. Listeners, when you come to Kitty Corner Plus, uh, today only you can get either a free Schlorpo or they'll add icecream to it so you can get yourself your own Thick One. You know they banned Thick Ones in Nsburg like 3 years ago and I couldn't figure out why.
A-Train: Yeah, some idiot kid in Heathston choked on a straw and ruined it for everybody.
{Graphic and caption: Live on Location return}
Derek: Oh, I guess it's true what they say, Alex, not everyone can handle a real Thick One. But the company has said they're standing the ground. They're not trading it out for soft serve, so you're going to get real, hard icecream in your real Thick One, and they're going to give out reinforced spoons so this never happens again.
G-Money: Oh hey, this is a grand opening. Is the mascot there?
Derek: Oh, he sure is Graham. Hypotenuse, the Corner Kitty, has been walking around all morning giving out free as-is® protractors to kids and everyone's getting temporary tattoos that say "I've Had A Thick One".
G-Money: I am, honestly, really excited about this. I'm going to be having as-is® sandwiches for my lunch for like two weeks.
A-Train: Yeah. Can we ... get over there during the break? I want to get a schlorpo before they run out of carob.
G-Money: Oh, yeah. Hey, uh, thanks Derek for the remote. Uh, we're actually going to get over there in a second, I got a real hankering for a Thick One. Can you have them start the machine?
Derek: Graham, I was assigned to do a serious, hard hitting piece on the opening of a beloved business. I shouldn't be running your personal errands like some sort of intern.
G-Money: I'll buy you an opening day Schlorpo Stein.
Derek: Start cranking that Thick One guys. {grinding noises}
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Well, that takes us up to the break. When we come back, to celebrate the dedication of Lake Anesh 2 Moo Too's Indian Cuisine is having a paneer for gold promotion. Moo Too is asking hungry diners to relive the thrill of the Klondike by staking a claim on the banks of the mighty Rogan Josh River buffet and sift out nuggets of unpasturized cheese just like the prospectors.
A-Train: I've often found the best way to get all the paneer is long walled cheese mining. Just rake the wall and let the Raclette fall behind you.
G-Money: And the Nsburg College of Operative Surgical Practitioners is holding their open Mike night tomorrow at the campus Amphitheater, so come on down and let's all find out what's inside Mike.
A-Train: Very nice of Mike to donate his body to science like that.
G-Money: Donate, yeah, that's what he did. Stick around everyone, more Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...
{Graphic: The Charlemagne Boomerang Meringue}
Announcer: The Charlemange Boomerang Meringue. A dessert fit for an emperor that you can send to your friends with the flick of the wrist. The Charlamagne Boomerang Meringue: order one now to avoid the herang.
