Qwerpline Ep48 - Forbidden Foley Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep48 - Forbidden Foley
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by ...
{Graphic: Satisfactory Refractory Phylactery}
Announcer: ...the Satisfactory Refractory Phylactery. This amulet can withstand an adequate level of heat, pressure, and chemical attack. Satisfactory Refractory Phylactery: keep it in the Calif Factory.
{Graphic and music: Qwerpline}
Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, it's Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?
A-Train: Feeling off-center but on axis.
G-Money: Well I hope we can split the difference.
A-Train: My mechanic said that might introduce wobble.
G-Money: Well try to avoid highway speeds, I guess. And the same goes for all of you wonderful people out there in Nsburg...
{Graphic: Nsburg slogan}
G-Money: ...If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
A-Train: That doesn't seem like a motto our tourism board would come up with.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: If I'm honest, that might have been feedback left on a different motto.
A-Train: That'll teach them for sending an email.
G-Money: That's why all QWRP's internal communication is on teletype. And now the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
G-Money: In breaking news: the town hall is losing yet another member of its senior staff.
{Graphic: Nsburg Towne Hall}
Edith Slump: Oh my gosh! Is Silus finally going to open his cocktail bar?
G-Money: Edith, why would someone opening a cocktail bar be a breaking news item?
Edith: It's not just any someone. Silas is the mastermind behind the Belgian Tickler.
G-Money: Well, your ticklers are safe.
Edith: Oh, I always use a dental dam.
G-Money: Because Nsburg city planner Tasmin Funt - Jesus Edith - has resigned in protest after Mayor Dick Therpston unilaterally approved his controversial Amendment to the city's fences and hedges bylaw-
A-Train: Hold up.
G-Money: -as a result tonight's public consultation is now canceled. But the Nsburg Nudist Topiary Club ...
{Graphic: Nsburg Nudist Topiary Club}
G-Money: ... is vowing to continue their sit-in. Funt's last act as city planner was to declare her former office the city park, ...
{Graphic: Tasmin Funt Public Park}
G-Money: ... allowing the Nudist Topiary Club to use it as a coat check.
{Graphic: News}
G-Money: As a reminder to our listeners it is now illegal to have a fence or hedge higher than 3 feet if it is within 600 meters of the mayor's Lenticular Particular Funicular or if the hedge in question has been styled into a topiary that depicts quote "A man, beast, reptile, or creature from beyond the stars".
A-Train: That seems needlessly wordy.
G-Money: The council has also passed a resolution banning Yucatan Stan's Mountain Man Slam Can, specifically the Goby Gas flavor, deeming it a "danger to children".
A-Train: In what way? It's quote "all natural".
G-Money: It's also quote "a surprisingly effective method to boost combustion in modified Street Racers".
A-Train: Ah.
G-Money: Nsburg youths have been operating a popular network of ride shares and have started using Goby Gas in their cars to decrease the time between fare pickups.
A-Train: Oh man, now I won't be able to wake up, hop at in the back as some kids hooned-out jalape, and get to work in under 35 seconds. If you clench just right you don't even gray out from the g-forces.
G-Money: Uh, when reached for comment Taxi Union Representative BD Joe responded that they are disappointed in council's decision on the ban and that quote "chopped and dropped will only get you so far, we still need that Go Go Juice".
A-Train: What's even in that stuff anyway?
G-Money: According to the label: jin sing, taurine, and octane.
A-Train: Octane? What does that taste like?
G-Money: Guarana.
A-Train: I didn't need to see your adenoids, but...
G-Money: And in a flash of parliamentary brilliance, Dick Therpston has unilaterally passed his own version of the recessed bike lane bill. According to hansard, the lanes will be triple decker to make the most efficient use of our City's arterial system. After his refusal to take questions from the media, Dick made this statement as he fought his way out of town hall:
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
Dick Therpston: You plebs cannot grasp the brilliance of my design. It confines those lowsome velocipedes with the same kind of human excrement they so closely resemble. And in an effort to be fair are given them a grate above the sewage upon which to ride. You churs have been screaming about bike lanes for years and now that I throw you a bone you have the goal to raise your fists at me. There's no pleasing you{Click}
G-Money: More on that as it breaks.
A-Train: Uh, it seems pretty broken already.
G-Money: But for now, we have with us in the studio Ball Hinkley, who has been weirdly insistent about talking to us and we finally gave up. Thanks for your persistence, Ball.
{Graphic: Live in the Studio}
{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Ball Hinkley - Ball Hinkley Raymond's Talc Barn}
Ball Hinkley: Yeah, I'm an old man, Graham and Alex, and I don't have much time left.
G-Money: Oh my God, are you dying?
Ball: I am, Graham. Dying to tell you about all the savings you can get this weekend at Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn.
G-Money: Oh thank god. F{beep} you.
Ball: That's right Graham and Alex, I'm unveiling a new collection of powders and bespoke dusts. I'm titling it "Hallucinations of Nsburg".
{Graphic: Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn}
A-Train: You know what? Been there.
Ball: And you could be there too gentle listeners. Just come on down to Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn this weekend and rumage around through my particulate matter.
G-Money: Evocative wording Ball. Anything else you'd like to add to your free commercial?
Ball: I've got everything on deep discount. That's right, I'm talking up to, and including, and in fact only 90%.
G-Money: 90% off?
Ball: Indeed Graham. I only had so much room on the sign. But 90% off means you can come put on 100% pure cat dander, I've got it in original, extra fine, and fancy grade.
{Graphic: Live in the Studio}
A-Train: Mmmm. Love me those fancy grade allergens.
Ball: The new scents also include extra chunky, silver lining, face of god, wet sidewalk, paraffin dynasty, and my new favorite neglected knickknack.
A-Train: Do you still have, uh, mixed-up ladder?
Ball: Oh you bet I do Aldersm'n, I never retire classic.
G-Money: What does extra chunky smell like?
Ball: You ever sit in a new car that's six months old and needs its first vacuum?
A-Train: That's not a new car.
G-Money: No, but you've painted in a evocative picture.
Ball: Cross that with a crying child in a parking lot.
G-Money: Now Ball, you insist on referring to yourself as an artist. What inspired you to create this many scents all at once?
Ball: Well you see Graham, I noticed an uptick the amount of powers showing up in my warehouse and realized I had to share my bounty with the good people of Nsburg. Plus everybody ordering off my website BallHinkleysRaymondsTalcBarn.dust.
G-Money: Ball, at the at the risk of continuing to talk to you, what do you mean by appearing in your warehouse? That seems suspicious.
Ball: I agree Graham, it's almost as suspicious as the multiple pipes that appeared above the powder piles.
A-Train: You have ... new pipes .... in your building? What do they look like?
Ball: Eh, they're cast out of copper...
Ball and A-Train: ... 3/4 inch flange.
A-Train: Urgh, yep.
Michael O'Leary: I have the very same thing.
A-Train: Everyone has the same thing, that's the problem.
G-Money: Are you saying that the Secret Pipesman's Pneumatic Tube System that Lorna told everyone to use as central vacuum terminates in Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn's Warehouse?
Michael: Or to put it more succinctly: all suck holes lead to Balls.
G-Money: Thank you Michael.
Michael: It was my pleasure Graham.
Ball: I wondered how I was getting all them powders for free.
A-Train: Well, as stupid as it is, at least you want all that dust.
Ball: I beg to differ there Alex. I'm an artisan when it comes to dust and I'm very particular about my particulates. You see the root word of powder is power, and there's a lot of power in all that dust.
G-Money: That's not true, but what do you mean?
Ball: It's basic economics.
G-Money: What, like supply and demand?
Ball: Exactly. The city of Nsburg supplied me with all the excess dust and now this weekend I demand you come buy it back.
A-Train: Ball, what if I don't want to buy back all my mold spores and cat dander?
Ball: Y'all ever seen a dust explosion? Well the Talc Barn's getting real full and y'all better come on down to Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn this Saturday and get something while it's on for 90% off, or else we might see half of Nsburg go up flames.
G-Money: Is that a promise or a threat?
Ball: It's basic physics.
A-Train: Well you heard it here first. This Saturday everyone go help drain Ball's.
Ball: And if you buy five powders I throw in a 1 kg grab bag.
G-Money: What's in the grab bag Ball?
Ball: Sand.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Well thanks Ball. It was a pleasure.
A-Train: Don't say things you can't take back.
G-Money: Speaking of things that are dry and ubiquitous, we go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter for an Nsburg traffic update. How's it going up there Richter?
{Graphic: Traffic}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Ritcher Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}
Richter Hammockslam: Graham, I told you about my psoriasis in confidence, that's why I asked for a secure channel.
G-Money: You know we don't have the capability to give you one of those.
Richter: And that's why I keep requesting one at every budget hearing. Regardless, last night while scanning the airwaves, I was presented with a videogram pleading for my direct involvement. I was courted by two opposing forces in a long running but archetypical battle of good over injustice. There were heroes on both sides and they were desperate for my assistance to turn the tide in their favor, even for just one day. On one side: a code-named, daring, highly trained special mission force. Opposing them: a ruthless, Ophidian-based, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.
G-Money and A-Train: What?
Richter: I was propositioned to work alongside a man who I gather the others called Lift Ticket. The only confirmation I had was that later in the message he got himself punched. His helicopter was unlike any I'd seen before, Alex. It didn't seem capable of flight but after a group of terrorists in blue tanks broke through a retaining wall of some sort, it took to the skies and let loose a barrage of large kinetic missiles. I say barrage, but it was only really two. It did manage to knock a few rocks off a precarious nearby pile though, and that was enough to subdue the terrorists. Anyway the whole thing wrapped up with the counterterrorism group, all in one voice, calling the terrorists a little girl in Japanese. At least that's what Kyle at the Nsburg High Anime Club tells me "yojo" means. I couldn't believe the terrorists were able to still hold their heads high after that kind of humiliation, but once I picked up who was their leader, I knew his charisma could hold them together. He looked like a John Cena with a mercury-coated bust of Ule Briner grafted on at the neck.
G-Money: Was his name, by chance, Destro?
Richter: Seems unlikely. I'm think Mr Fahrenheit, one of the lead singer of Queen's many nicknames. Anyway, I guess I'll never know who they are or why they're all sold separately. In my experience you can negotiate better rates via collective bargaining, like I did when I became a traffic reporter. Anyway back to you Graham.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
A-Train: No, wait, traffic, please.
G-Money: I feel like I just blacked out for like 5 minutes.
A-Train: If you want to do it for real, have a sip of this. Bottoms Up.
G-Money: I-it's time, uh, do I throw to Richter now?
{Gus whistles}
G-Money: Well it's, it's what's listed next on my teletype.
{Gus whistles}
G-Money: We did? Wow, I'm gonna have to listen to the tape later. Um, so then we go to ... Derek? We go to Derek, who is on location with Deep Salad. Are we sure I'm awake?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex, I'm so excited that you sent me down here to interview Deep Salad, they're the hottest thing on YouTube.
G-Money: Okay, I think I'm back down to a typical level of disorientation. How large is the salad?
Derek: It's bigger than I thought actually. They've got a really cool studio down here. Yhey need one too because they like got 13 employees and there's like a bunch of other contractors who come by to do work from time to time.
G-Money: Right, right. And they all... Sorry, I thought you were at a salad restaurant.
Derek: You don't know who Deep Salad are? That's so embarrassing for us. Deep Salad is a group of hot upcoming YouTubers who are like not popular in Nsburg for some reason, but that isn't matter coz they're popular everywhere else, and they make a bunch of online comedy videos that focus on what they call "forbidden foley".
A-Train: So they don't make salad?
Derek: Alex, they're not a restaurant. They only make salad in their spare time at home I think.
G-Money: Can we beep-beep back up to "forbidden foley"?
Derek: I'm glad you asked. "Forbidden foley" refers to all the unusual sound effects that they plug into their videos in ways that you wouldn't expect. It's like ASMR if you were getting kicked down a flight of stairs.
G-Money: Gus, no it is not.
Derek: No, you're right Gus it is the good s{beep}t.
A-Train: Derek!
Derek: And thank you Gus for bleeping my French tongue. Can we do the interview now?
G-Money: Please yes, show me how the salad is made.
Derek: Graham, for the last time, there's no actual salad. It's a very catchy name that's easy to market. I'm joined here by Tom. He refuses to give his last name because he thinks having a monomer is cool. Hi Tom, I'm Derek.
{Caption added: Tom - Deep Salad}
Tom: Cool retro media. I'll tell my grandma.
Derek: You should. She should donate to our pledge drive. We're not publicly funded, but we can have one every year thanks to tax loopholes.
Tom: Cool man, we're also crowdfunded. Hey can I show you some sound effects?
Derek: Would you? I've been dying to see your waveforms.
Tom: Yeah man. Hey Marion pull up 227, that one's one of my favorites.
{Caption added: Marion - Deep Salad}
Marion: Oh man, I love 227. Man, we call that one the dilator. You feel that?
Derek: It's like having a headache across one eye.
Marion: Some people need to see the doctor.
Tom: Now play box-for-a-head.
Marion: Oh, number 52. Yeah, no, that's great.
Derek: Ow.
Marion: I think he need some more time to warm up, let's move up into the 60s. Let's try 65.
Derek: Uh.
Tom: Now try anxiety feelings.
Derek: Oh.
A-Train: Are we killing Derek?
G-Money: We aren't doing anything.
Derek: Oh wow. Oh, um, these sound a lot different in person than on YouTube.
Tom: Oh yeah man, we've got really good speakers here so you get a lot of frequencies and harmonics that just aren't going to be reproduced when it's crunched down by YouTube's compression.
Marion: That's why we had to put on those special shoes, so you can really feel the frequency.
Derek: Can I keep 'em?
Marion: Only in your mind. Leave nothing but shoes and take only memories.
Tom: Yeah, sorry, they're like $600 a pair. They're designed by some Swedish guy named Skin.
Marion: We spray them out like bowling shoes.
Derek: Well this has been really cool guys, but I need to ask you the hard-hitting questions. Uh number one: where do you get your ideas?
Marion: I have this book that's just so full of big ideas and just inspirational. I've hollowed it out and it's where I grow my mushrooms.
Tom: Chanterelles, mom.
Derek: Neat. I don't know what that is. Okay, question two: do you have any new secret and as yet unannounced projects that you want to communicate to the world at large right now?
Marion: We've been running this neural engine, man, for like 200 hours, like the past two months, and it's been crunching down trying to find that deepest, dankest sound that only computers can hear, man, and we're going to play that.
Derek: Oo, sounds great.
Tom: Oh yeah, this is going to be cool. Put in this mouth guard.
Derek: Okay, sure. My biting surface is ready.
Marion: All right little dude, you're going to want to clench your teeth, your core, and your buttcks. Not necessarily in that order.
{Sound effect: quiet pops and clicks}
Derek: groans
G-Money: Alex do you hear anything?
A-Train: Just the sound of us definitely killing Derek. Do we have liability?
G-Money: Hey Derek?
Derek: Yeah.
G-Money: Are-are you okay?
Derek: It's okay guys, I have a mouth guard and I'm clenching all the muscles that they told me to clench. squeals
G-Money: Derek, we can't hear anything.
Derek: What?
G-Money: Could you like, I don't know, move the mic closer.
Derek: Ooooooookayyyyyyyyy.
G-Money: Alex, I'm not getting a dang thing. Are you?
A-Train: Nope.
G-Money: Maybe it's like a, it's like a sensitivity thing with like the gain on hi-hey Derek, could you ask them to turn it up?
Derek: Noooo-sure. Hey guys turn it up. screams
G-Money: Hey, why are you making these noises Derek?
Derek: It's really strong.
Marion: I've never seen such a perfect sine wave before.
Tom: He's like a human tuning fork.
Marion: And done.
Tom: What do you think? Wasn't it life altering?
Derek: Uh.
G-Money: Hey Derek, we didn't get any of that on our end. Cou-you want to get him to like, play it again or something?
Derek: To be honest, no. But I'll do what I can for the honor of QWRP FM.
Tom: Wait, FM?
Marion: Frequency modulation isn't built to carry our caliber of sounds, dude. It just won't show up on the other end.
Tom: Yeah, we're like a John Cage cover band to your listeners.
Derek: Wait, you guys didn't hear what I heard?
A-Train: We heard a sound like your soul escaping.
Derek: Guys, maybe it would be okay if we just call the interview here. Can I just go to the plug?
A-Train: I thought that's why you were clenching your ass.
Derek: Gentle listeners, you can find Deep Salad on the internet. They're at deepsalad.com. Uh their store is etsy.com/deepsalad. Uh they have a YouTube at youtube.com/deepsalad. And you can crowd their funds at indynono.net/deepsalad. Can I take this mouth guard out of my mouth now?
Tom: Oh yeah. And since you bit most of the way through it ,please feel free to keep it. It's a gift.
Derek: Sweet, free Deep Salad branded mouth guard.
Tom: It's just from the Kitty Corner.
Derek: My bones hurt. Graham and Alex, back to you.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Thanks Derek, sorry about the bones.
A-Train: I kind of want to hear this sound. I should go to their next Fringe show.
G-Money: Well, don't hold your breath.
A-Train: Ooh, good point. That might create a resonance chamber.
G-Money: Well, that takes us up to the break. And speaking of a resonance chamber, when we come back...
{Graphic: The Secret Pipesmen}
G-Money: ...the Secret Pipesmen are having their annual ceremonial hot box tonight at 7pm, followed by their open lodge at 11. Residents of the area who do not want to take part in the ensuing contact high are advised to seal their own windows before the Pipesmen open the lodge.
A-Train: Man, I hate doing this.
G-Money: Oh, is this part of your official duties as Aldersm'n?
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
A-Train: Yeah I'm obligated to go. Whole thing's a waste of time if you ask me, but snacks are alright.
G-Money: God, you must have a legendary tolerance. Doesn't it affect you?
A-Train: Not really, I just don't breathe in.
G-Money: And Sunday, Frampton Downs holds this year's country Woodcock Invitational. Come and share on your choice of this year's hopefuls: Timber Doodle, Bog Sucker, Night Partridge, Hoke-and-poke, Little Gomer, Fiddle Squeak, Worm Saber, Whipper Wont, Mud Needle, Crazy Straw, and Hot Stepper. But the bookie favorite seems to be, let me make sure I'm reading this teletype correctly, Choad.
A-Train: Hell yeah! Go Choad.
G-Money: Gates open at 10, judging starts at 11. Stick around, more Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...
{Graphic: Satisfactory Refractory Phylactery}
Announcer: ...Satisfactory Refractory Phylactery. This amulet can withstand an adequate level of heat, pressure, and chemical attack. Satisfactory Refractory Phylactery: it offend senses olfactory.
