Qwerpline Ep49 - Towne Hall Falls Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep49 - Towne Hall Falls
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by ...
{Graphic: Hidden Minima Forbidden Cinema}
Announcer: ...Hidden Minima Forbidden Cinema. The shortest films, the smallest drinks opening at an undisclosed location in Raster Heights, you'll never find us. Hidden Minima Forbidden Cinema: come and see what we're giving ya.
{Graphic and music: Qwerpline}
Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg welcome to Qwerpline. Big G-Money here with A-Train, how's it going Alex?
A-Train: Painted to fit and bang to match.
G-Money: Are you okay?
A-Train: It's been 3 days, what do you think?
G-Money: Yeah. I-I hope everyone else is doing all right out there in ...
{Graphic: Nsburg slogan}
G-Money: ...scenic Nsburg: Duck!
A-Train: I could have sworn it was wabbit.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: No, it's definitely duck. But judging by the ... I'm going to say claw marks on this piece of paper this was dictated just before ... well, however these marks got on the piece of paper. Hey, it's time for the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
G-Money: Nsburg SCA is pleased to announce that they've looped again, reverting back to the holocene. So if you're interested in learning how to make a kiln out of mud or extract iron from bacteria found in the Culvert Grid, they'll be meeting at the Chumble Duck Range every Saturday until they discover copper.
A-Train: Eh. Wake me up when they figure out that mixing in some tin will lead to a stronger, harder product.
G-Money: What, are you on the bronze council?
A-Train: Yes, it's one of Therpston County's main exports.
G-Money: You'd think we could finish that Richard Therpston statue faster.
A-Train: Exports, G.
G-Money: Get out your lawn chairs and meteor cushions, it's almost time for the annual Frankalid Meteor Shower, still only visible from Frank's roof. Frank requests that you not park on what's left of his lawn and instead quote "take only your garbage and leave only five star reviews". Proceeds from the 50/50 raffle are going, as always, to the Therpston County Space Camp.
A-Train: Frank's really raking it in with this shower, huh?
G-Money: He must be his online store's got some great stuff.
A-Train: I love those shirts to say "I survive climbing the ladder onto Frank's roof".
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: And speaking of survival, our lead story, of course, Nsburg reacts to the installation of the recessed bike lanes.
A-Train: Oh, you mean the trenches.
G-Money: Uh, no, they are bike lanes.
A-Train: Then why are the Girl Scouts using them to stage charges against the Towne Hall?
G-Money: Uh you w-spoilers Alex.
A-Train: What do you mean spoilers?! We're the news!
G-Money: Well, no, it's just now I have to throw to Mon-we go now to self-proclaimed QWRP War Correspondent Montgomery Kone, live on location in the t-t-t ... in the-in the bike lanes near Towne Hall. Hello Monty.
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Montgomery Kone - QWRP War Correspondent}
Montgomery Kone: Hey there sports fans. It's me, Montgomery Kone, down here in the trenches. And don't worry about that Graham, the way I figure it we're into the third act of this standoff.
G-Money: Day, Monty. Third day.
Monty: That's neither here or there Graham. If we're on the third day, we already loaded these trenches and at some point they got to go off. And that day is going to be today.
A-Train: Today? What, you got money on this?
Monty: I haven't been able to make it down to the Towne Hall to put down any bets, no. But that's also neither here nor there. Your friend Montgomery Kone has been down here in the trenches for the last 3 days, hoping to lay in provisions with the rest of the Girl Scouts and we're ready to go over the top anytime.
G-Money: Going over the-Monty this is a civic dispute. 3 days ago Richard Therpston locked himself in his office and wouldn't come out-
Monty: Because he's a big sucky baby.
G-Money: -because he didn't want to hear any public arguments about his fence and hedge bylaw.
Monty: Yeah, that's what I said. And it's a travesty against horiculture.
G-Money: So now, Monty, why are the Girl Scouts involved?
Monty: Well you see Graham, the Girls have been referring to this as a paramilitary scouting operation, giving them rights to enter any building in Nsburg to, uh, protect the piece and engage in extra legal sleepovers. Were you never a Girl Scout?
G-Money: I was not.
Monty: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. Probably means that you're not familiar with all the terminology that they're using here in the theater at Town Square.
G-Money: The theater's closed for the season.
Monty: Well don't about that Graham, they're going to wrap up their three-day bivawak here pretty quick. And, uh, when you call back I'll give you some more details on. H-hang on, hang on. We're going over the top, we're going over the top Graham. I-I got to go-I got to go I got to stay with them, but I got to hang up on you cuz if I go with you and I'm still on the radio I'm going to give away their position. They'll be real upset about that. Montgomery Kone, Senior War Correspondent, over and out.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: I like how our self-appointed war correspondent stopped reporting when the war started.
A-Train: Like come on Graham, this is basic op-sec. I know you didn't go to the Girl Scouts, but kids know this stuff.
G-Money: The kids in the-
A-Train: In the Girl Scouts.
G-Money: You're right. Well, luckily for you, listeners at home, we figured that Monty might endure a bought of high spirits, and so we have a backup. We go now to QWRP Arts Reporter Edith Slump, who has taken up a strategic position where she's got eyes on the Towne Hall, and hopefully the children trying to breach it. How's it going Edith?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts}
Edith Slump: Oh Graham, spirits have never been lower here at the Town Hall.
G-Money: Oh no, what happened?
Edith: Today's special cocktail is something called an MRE, which I'm sad to report is vodka and consume. Luckily it's cheap. So like I said, spirits have never been lower because they're a $1.99.
G-Money: It's not great though, hey?
Edith: Oh there's no atheists in a foxhole Graham.
G-Money: There's no f-the bike-bike lanes, Edith, there's no-although I've heard there's also no Girl Scouts in the bike lanes. What can you see about that?
Edith: Oh yeah, they ran through the patio just before you called.
A-Train: And?
Edith: And what, Alex? They're not old enough for these MREs, what would I even ask them? Actually speaking of: Silus? One more.
G-Money: Edith, can you give us an idea of how many there are?
Edith: Well I've only had three Graham. It's 8:30 in the morning.
G-Money: How many Girl Scouts?
Edith: There's at least a couple of platoons, hold on. Yeah, yeah, them and Monty ran out the back side of Town Hall. Looks like they're setting up sandbags and ladders.
G-Money: What could they possibly be doing?
Edith: Well Graham, I am not really an expert coz I was only in Girl Scouts for a couple years, but I'm pretty sure they're conducting a second floor breach. That's a hard badge to get, good for them.
G-Money: Edith, please, focus. What do you see?
Edith: Well I don't see my drink, which is annoying, but I guess over at Towne Hall... Oh, wow, lights. I guess they're technically flashbangs. Wow, kids these days have stuff I never got. Oh hey it's that asshole Richard Therpston. Boo.
Crowd: Boo.
Edith: But here's Michael with our drinks, yay.
{Caption added: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Business}
Michael O'Leary: I see we've begun booing. Has Dick Therpston made an appearance?
Edith: I saw a shoulder and half an ear before he went back inside the building, the coward.
Michael: I certainly won't be voting for him again.
Edith: We didn't vote for him in the first place, that's the problem.
Michael: Oops, here he is again, holding a printer. I believe it's an HP Office Jet Pro.
Edith: Hold on, he's not seriously going to throw that at them, is he?
Michael: And there it goes. What a misappropriation of City funds.
Edith: Oh, I'm glad it missed that ladder.
Michael: It also missed our war correspondent Monty Kone. Good moves Monty, we'll see you back on the Sideball field soon.
G-Money: Hey, not to imply you two aren't doing a good job, but could we focus a bit more on what's actually happening?
Michael: Of course Graham. Monty just fell into the dumpster.
Edith: Looks like three raccoons have come out of the dumpster and, uh, they're like medium angry but, uh, Monty's okay. They're winching him out on a stretcher.
G-Money: What is going on with the siege?
Edith: Well like I said earlier, I'm pretty sure it's a second floor breach Graham.
Michael: To tell you the truth, the smoke from all the smoke bombs is making it hard to see. The entire Towne Hall is lit in a haze of tactical fuchsia.
Edith: This really reminds me of a rave I went to once.
Michael: Me too. I don't remember much. I was on a lot of DMT and very thirsty.
Edith: Oh, you gotta hydrate man. Oh hey, look, Monty's up. Yay.
Edith and Michael: Yay.
Edith: Oh wow, look at him go up that ladder. Good for him. I could not do that while being pelted by staplers.
Michael: He's a singular man with a singular vision. Whereas I am starting to develop double vision. I might need to lay down.
Edith: You know, I'm genuinely surprised there's this many staplers at Towne Hall.
G-Money: Hey, you know what? Thanks Edith, thanks Michael, you've been a big help.
Edith: Oh Graham, I don't think that's true.
A-Train: Anything going on in the war right now Edith?
Edith: Oh probably.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Luckily we have a yet further backup. We go now to Summer intern Derek who is on location inside the Towne Hall, where it's safe.
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex, it's me Summer intern Derek, waving to Edith on the patio. She hasn't seen me yet, but I'll keep waving all the same.
G-Money: Derek, we really need you to tell us what's going on out there.
Derek: But from here all I can see is Edith getting slowly drunk in the patio with Michael.
A-Train: I thought she was getting slowly drunk with MREs.
Derek: I don't know his initials.
G-Money: Surely you can see something in there.
Derek: Well from where I stand I can see that the Girl Scouts are a heavy favorite to win this skirmish.
G-Money: Oh really? What's-what's-what's happening?
Derek: Well, based on watching them go over to the top this morning, everyone's been really positive about their chances but Dick Therpston's still got 57 to 1 odds, so he's kind of the longshot favorite at this point.
A-Train: Did you say odds?
Derek: Yeah there's only been a couple people in here betting on Dick Therpston, which is weird coz I'm pretty sure they're also Secret Pipesmen, but I guess they don't think much of his chances. The Girl Scouts are considered to be the best armed in this battle, but Dick has access to about a gross of staplers. Which is insider information and therefore you guys can no longer place bets.
G-Money: Place-Derek are you a bookie?
Derek: Uh, do comics count as books?
G-Money: Did they - my god - did they put you in charge of taking bets on how this is going to shake out?
Derek: Well you told me to go down to the Town Hall because it's the only place that children would be safe and I got down here and there's no children anywhere to be seen. And Silus came to me and he said "I need help with the pool" and I like to swim, but now I'm doing this. And I figure this is all your fault.
G-Money: It sounds like you have some complaints.
Derek: I just wanted to help out for once when all the action's going on and you relegated me here. And I've been a summer intern for so long and yet you just promoted Monty to being Senior War Correspondent.
A-Train: We sure didn't.
Derek: This has got to be the biggest story of the year and I just wanted a chance to make my bones.
A-Train: Uh, Derek, that's not what that means.
Derek: Really? Wait, did I mean sew my oats?
A-Train: Not that either.
Derek: I want to be a part of this thing and you just shove me into the Town Hall cuz you said I'd be safe, but if I'm just going to be here and not be of any use then I'm going to be w-want would you call me again? A bookie?
G-Money: Ye-yeah.
Derek: Then fine, I'm summer bookie Derek and I'm taking odds 3 to one.
A-Train: On what?
Derek: I don't know, I haven't been a bookie for very long. Back to you.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Well cool, thanks Derek. Um, speaking of people having a tenuous grasp on their occupation, we go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. Richter, do you have eyes on the situation from where you are?
{Graphic: Traffic}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Ritcher Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}
Richter Hammockslam: I do Graham, and supplies from the forward operating base to the front lines are secure, though orange slices and Capri Sun supplies are beginning to dwindle.
G-Money: I realized that I was unclear by not specifying "the situation" or "where you are". Are you looking at what is happening outside Towne Hall?
Richter: As a man in my position Graham, it would be irresponsible for me to take my eyes off this situation for even a moment.
G-Money: Richter, I agree with you completely but that's never stopped you before.
Richter: And the only thing stopping me now is the chain of command.
G-Money: Uh, well-well I can tell you from the hand signal that Joan is giving me that you are completely clear to cover this story.
Richter: Unfortunately this situation is outside of even her dictatorial grasp. Graham, I report directly to the commanding officer of the Girl Scouts.
G-Money: And why is that Richter?
Richter: You see Graham, in the after school activity realm, the Girl Scouts can make do under their own power, but now, in an actual combat situation, you need ground, sea, and air power, and that's where I come in: running air support for those brave Girls on the ground.
A-Train: You mean moral support, right?
Richter: Oh, absolutely not Alex. Moral support, while being fine for the civilian, does absolutely nothing for the war effort. I'm engaged in much more concrete activities like handing out water bottles, ferrying the tired and knee scraped - I mean wounded, they want me to say wounded - and, of course, running electronic warfare against the enemy.
G-Money: What, like just flooding his mentions? I know you can text and fly even though you definitely shouldn't.
Richter: Look Graham, I said close air support. That means 3 to 4 feet off the ground. It's a lot harder and you have to use both hands. No, what I've been doing is running the auto-dialer on the QWRP phone bank to suppress any messages getting in or out of Towne Hall. I will however have to stop the assault during the afternoon rush. Jimmy Jams Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol need that bandwidth for the all request drive home show.
G-Money: How come you got to keep the phone lines free for Jimmy Jams Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol but not, you know, the show you're on?
Richter: Have you read the Geneva Convention, Graham?
G-Money: No. And neither have you-
Richter: Neither have I, Graham, but thankfully that's not something for me to worry about. That's something I can take to my commanding officer and deal with after the hostilities have ended. She's read it, she's getting a badge in it.
G-Money: Oh, that's a hard badge to get.
Richter: How would you know Graham? You've never served.
G-Money: Richter, this is possibly the most coherent traffic report we've done and I don't like it.
Richter: Well Graham, there's a fundamental difference between this report and the usual ones I'm giving to the QWRP listeners. With this report lives hang in the balance and, frankly, during most of our morning drive times that's not the case. Except for the fourth quarter and the running of the Nsburries. Godspeed to all those who wander forever lost in the culverts. Back to you Graham.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Well thank you Richter. Um, well folks we're still waiting to hear back from self-styled war correspondent Montgomery Kone in the-oh. That's Dick Therpston. He's using the emergency PA system. Yo quick Alex, fling the window open.
A-Train: Do I have to?
G-Money: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were "the news".
A-Train: All right, I'll take that ass-kicking.
{Caption: ON THE WARTIME PA SYSTEM: "Hon." Richard Therpston III}
Richard Therpston III: A-testing, a-testing. One two, one two. I can't believe I have to use this. excessive throat clearing Citizens of Nsburg, you may not be aware but a paramilitary force is attempting to overthrow your democratically selected government that I won fair and square in the raccoon race. I ask that all citizens of this dismal hamlet band together as a human shield to protect me from these wretches. And if I learn that any of you responsible for enabling the current assault of my authority, believe you me I will enact such legislation of dire important consequence that your children and your children's children will feel the crushing grip of my iron fist. Know that I am your sov-
{Caption removed}
G-Money: Is-is he going to finish that sentence? What happened?
A-Train: I think they cut power to the Towne Hall.
G-Money: Uh. Whoa. Okay, well-{Sound effect: phone rings} Ah, ah, we go now to QWRP War Correspondent Montgomery Kone. W-what's happening Monty?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Montgomery Kone - QWRP War Correspondent}
Monty: Hey there sports fans, it's Montgomery Kone again. I'm broadcasting from inside Towne Hall from Tasmin Funt Public Park.
{Graphic: Tasmin Funt Public Park}
Monty: Sports fans, I can see outside the the picture windows on the front of Towne Hall, uh, all the Girl Scouts are milling about.
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Montgomery Kone - QWRP War Correspondent}
Monty: Uh, don't seem to be doing much anything actually. Everything's kind of gone quiet. Uh, they recently cut the power to Towne Hall, but I'm calling you on my cell phone, figure that's the best way to get through to ya. Oh, wait there there's somebody running up Town Square right now. I think it's one of the chaperons, you can tell from her green beret. She's waving about a bunch of sheets of paper. Um, oh, each of the Girl Scouts are checking that paper. They're hand it in to the Troop Leader. Looks like everything's okay ladies and gentlemen, those are the parental permission slips the Girl Scouts need to make an official field trip to Towne Hall.
{Graphic: Nsburg Girl Scouts}
And there go the battering rams, all right! Oh yeah, got it in one! Oh, you know those girls are going to earn a badge today, you can tell they've been training in the off season. Here comes the point guards, uh, they're setting up, checking the perimeter, making sure Dick's got no, uh, trip wires or punji pits or what-have-you. They've made their way now to the central staircase. Yeah, everyone's secured the staircase, they're on a fast break right now up towards the hallway. And-and you can hear them now, they're just passing-they've just passing Tasmin Funt Public Park, moving towards the, uh, the mayor's office down the hall. Just going to poke my head out - oh jeez! - no don't poke my head out the door, there's lots of shrapnel and general debris kind of kicking up around here. Oh, you can hear them attacking the door right now. These girls are looking to be in fine shape today. They're really into their emotions today, that's most important part about when you get down there in any sort of sports activities, you're really be in your emotions and their emotion today is most just fury. But also terrifying levels of focus. I've never seen-never seen 9-year-olds run around with this kind of uh intensity before and, uh, they're laying the breaching charges. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so lucky to be seeing this, I'm so lucky that you're here here with me too. Uh, just hang in there we're going to get to see history made toda-{Explosion}
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Uh, Alex what do we do?
A-Train: I'm already calling Edith.
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Business}
Michael: You've reached the phone of Edith Slump. Edith cannot come to the phone right now because she's shbeeptfaced.
G-Money: Is this Edith's voicemail?
Michael: No Graham, it's me, Michael O'Leary.
G-Money: Okay. Don't say shbeeptfaced on the radio.
Michael: I'm sorry Graham, I'm a little shbeeptfaced.
G-Money: Michael, one: don't say shbeeptfaced on the radio. And two: do you have eyes on what's happening at the Towne Hall?
A-Train: Oh my God! They blew up Towne Hall!!!
{Caption added: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts}
Edith: Oh, no, no, no, they didn't blow up the Town Hall. I was just inside it having a pee. Thanks for answering my phone Michael. They can't see your thumbs up on the radio, Michael.
A-Train: Is Monty okay? What's going on?
G-Money: Yeah, you guys could see Dick's window from where you were sitting, that's where he was headed.
Edith: Oh, well, let's see. I see a lot of smoke, uh, no fire anymore, so that's good. Wait, no, I see something coming out the window. It's white, it's got a goat on it.
Michael: It's a Tugger Nuts Bath Towel.
Edith: Oh woah, that means the Girl Scouts to taken the building.
Michael: Oh huzzah.
Derek: Okay everyone, it's over. We're paying out the bets two to one.
G-Money: Uh, Edith, Michael. Sorry to interrupt, we're getting a call from the Mayor's office. Hello, you're live on QWRP.
{Caption removed}
Monty: Hey there sports fans, it's me, Montgomery Kone. My phone died.
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Montgomery Kone - QWRP War Correspondent}
G-Money: Oh phew. Okay.
Monty: Yeah, after the charges went off, all Girl Scouts swarmed to the Mayor's office and they all tackled Dick Therpston and, uh, one of them just flew up in the window just now and, uh, threw out a bath towel with Tugger Nuts on it. It's the only thing they had had to use as a flag to signal their victory.
G-Money: So, wait, Dick Therpston is out of office?
Monty: Not only out of office, he's already been marched down the stairs. Er, they got him tied up in a whole bunch of rope loops, a bunch of different knots I never seen before, and they've already got him to the access stairwell and leading them down to the recessed bike lanes.
A-Train: You know these recessed bike lanes are getting a lot more used than I thought they would.
Monty: I agree Alex, they're quite the engineering marvel. I'm not even sure what we got so upset about in the first place. Sports fans: the war is over. And I'm going to go over to Town Hall, I can see Edith and Michael over there, they're celebrating, and I'm going to get shbeeptfaced with the rest of them. Back to you.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Okay. I guess ev-everything kind of worked out all right there, inexplicably.
A-Train: Yeah, I wish people hadn't kept saying shbeeptfaced on the air.
G-Money: Alex!
A-Train: Wha?! Even you got to say it. I wanted to turn.
Michael: I was using Dereks.
G-Money: Is that line still open? Huh. Well listeners you heard it here first, exclusively on QWRP. Mayor Richard Therpston out of office in disgrace after... uh... did we just broadcast a coup?
A-Train: Might it be a junta, I'll have to check the playbook.
G-Money: Fair enough. Well that, uh, takes us up to the break. W-when we come back Nsburg's annual Vintage Tractor Parade is still being redirected away from the return of Third Avenue. Parade organizers are hoping to avoid downtown entirely due to all of everything you just heard.
A-Train: What? Miss their chance of being part of history?
G-Money: They are expecting to end up, eventually, on Burburshire Drive.
A-Train: Aw, that's my commute.
G-Money: Bring the kids... whenever, they'll probably be there for a week. And Farmer Bumper wants everyone to come to the Concours d'Appliance happening this weekend at Nsburg Macro Golf Course. Come and see the finest large appliances of Nsburg and be sure to check out this year's new category just for European pre-war kitchen goods.
A-Train: Ooh maybe they'll have an Agger cooker.
G-Money: Attendees will also be able to vote for their favorite fridges, stoves, and furnaces, with the winners of the Audience Choice Awards getting a $100 gift card to the Stove-porium, Nsburg's home of the range.
A-Train: It's amazing how good slogan writers can be when they get paid.
G-Money: Please remember not to touch any of the appliances as their owners have spent hundreds of hours prepping them for the show. And finally, Jesus Jewelry would like to remind you that it's never too late to say you're sorry.
A-Train: Tell that to Pontius Pilate.
G-Money: Stick around, more Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpine, here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...
{Graphic: Hidden Minima Forbidden Cinema}
Announcer: ... Hidden Minima Forbidden Cinema. The shortest films, the smallest drinks, the tiniest seats, opening at an undisclosed location in Raster Heights, you'll never find us. Hidden Minima Forbidden Cinema: it be simpler to find Nineva.
