Qwerpline Ep50 - More Rail Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep50 - More Rail
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...
{Graphic: Parabellum Vellum Flabellum}
Announcer: ...Parabellum Vellum Flabellum. A delicate instrument to help cool your home made from the finest onion skin paper and sharpened to a point. Parabellum Vellum Flabellum: available at the Nsburg macellum.
{Graphic and Music: Qwerpline}
Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to Qwerpline, Big G-Money here with A-Train, how's it going Alex?
A-Train: Feeling wound, snug, but not tight
G-Money: Are-are-are you in danger of, uh, I don't know, popping?
A-Train: I promised myself I wouldn't go to that subreddit anymore.
G-Money: Well I hope everyone is having a clear and unblemished day out there in Nsburg...
{Graphic: Town slogan}
G-Money: ...Generous pours.
{Sound effect: Gus goeing}
G-Money: Oh it's p o u r. I really thought I had something going there.
A-Train: I thought they were referring to your skin.
G-Money: Yeah. Is this the first time anyone has seen this written down?
A-Train: What? Do you think they keep them all on tape?
G-Money: I don't know what they do down there. Maybe they operate on oral tradition. Speaking of which, it's the news.
{Graphic and Music: The News}
G-Money: Bird watchers rejoice. The Brown Thrum is returning to Nsburg for nesting season. Barbara Dooley from the Nsburg Birding Society...
{Graphic: Nsburg Birding Society}
G-Money: ...is urging caution to excited birders though, because the famously quick-eared thrum has picked up a new mating song during its winter in Cabo.
A-Train: That's the the bird that just screams right?
G-Money: Not anymore. Apparently the thrums vocal cords are agile enough to mimic the lyrics to Nelly's Country Grammar.
A-Train: I mean that's actually kind of cool.
G-Money: The Nsburg Birding Society is cautioning that the Thrum's new song may not be suitable to an all ages bird watching audience. Earplugs will be available by donation at the Frampton Downs Nature House for those with sensitive ears and or dispositions.
A-Train: Hold on, they didn't learn the radio edit?
G-Money: And speaking of good news, supporters of the Nsburg Nudist Topiary Club...
{Graphic: Nsburg Nudist Topiary Club}
G-Money: ...are visibly flush with excitement after ex-mayor Dick Therpston's massively unpopular hedge bylaw was repealed. Quote "No longer will our ideals be stuffed into the unyielding crotch of Therpston's legislative jeans" says Nudist Vice President Stanislav Halfmast.
A-Train: That's needlessly vivid.
G-Money: With the repeal, the betting window on this deliberative session has closed, so if you were on the right side of history you can pick up your winnings at the bookie windows outside Town Hall.
{Graphic: News}
A-Train: I sure hope some of you hedged your bets out there, Town Hall is going to have a hard time paying out if we were all betting against Little Dicky.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: As per Nsburg political tradition, the repealed bylaw has been struck double hammer-punched in the solar plexus, axe-handled in the back, and cursed for seven generations.
A-Train: Good ridens.
{Graphic: It's the Arts!}
G-Money: But now in more pleasant news, it's the Arts with Edith Slump. Edith is down at the dark side of Town Halle where a local artist has unveiled a new mural. How's it going down there Edith?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: LIVE ON LOCATION: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts}
Edith Slump: Do you want the honest answer or the radio-friendly one?
G-Money: You, uh, feeling okay there Edith?
Edith: Well to be perfectly honest with you Graham, this is the first time I've been sober in 2 weeks and you know what, I don't like it. I want to go back.
G-Money: I'm sorry to hear that you just said that on radio.
Edith: Then we're both sorry I'm here.
G-Money: Well at least you're on the dark side of Towne Hall.
Edith: Yeah, that works out pretty well cuz man this mural is awful.
G-Money: Oh. Why are you reporting on an ugly mural?
Edith: Well Graham, there's been a real explosion of artistic energy in the city, and not just because the city's parade budget has been restored and there is a rush on wheat paste. Everyone is so excited that Dick Therpston is finally gone that arts groups have become more bold. Also since Tasmin Funt resigned, no one's around to hand out permits anyhow, so it's a real free for all. This is just the first mural that got finished. And boy does it show.
A-Train: Perhaps you would be in a better mood to be doing this reporting if you hadn't spent the entire skirmish down at the Town Hall slamming Belgian Ticklers.
Edith: I was embedding myself in the movement, Alex.
A-Train: You practically embedded yourself in the pavement.
G-Money: Can we move on to unveiling this mural?
Edith: Urgh, if we must. But I do want to stress to our listeners that this unveiling is strictly metaphorical. There's no curtain or drapery to pull away, and to be honest if there was it would just be disappointing. Anyway, I have the artist, Juicy Toothbrush, here. Juicy, can you tell us about whatever it is that you put up on the side of this building? It's a little blurry.
{Caption added: Juicy Toothbrush - Artist}
Juicy Toothbrush: I understand you might have some issues understanding it from this vantage point, but when you take it back is a whole, I feel like it really overtakes the senses why not.
Edith: Oh, is this one of those paintings that's meant to be seen from a distance or from around a blind corner?
Juicy: At best, yes. However if you get closer, more and more details will resolve themselves. I like to think of myself as inspired by the painter of White, Thomas Kinkade himself. Except I'm more of a worker of the dark arts and I like to envelop things in shadow.
Edith: I see. Are the heavy puce tones meant to represent Richard Therpston's cowardice as he barricaded himself inside the Towne Hall?
Juicy: Oh absolutely. You can see bits of it wafting out towards the tigers as they approach the moat around the actual building.
Edith: Now hold up there. I was a firsthand witness to the siege of Towne Hall.
A-Train: No court would ever accept your testimony.
Edith: I may have had one or two Belgian ticklers - per hour - but last time I checked there was no tigers at Towne Hall. And there's no moat either, unless you count when the Girl Scouts spilled an entire tray of Schlorpos into the recessed bike lanes. And even if you do, that was only 20 minutes.
Juicy: Oh, not everything in a needs to be taken quite so literally. Sometimes it's a metaphor, sometimes it's just embellishment. One needs look no further than Nelly's Country Grammar to see a good example of this.
Edith: Toothbrush, you told me this mural captured a historic moment. Don't you think it should at least be accurate?
Juicy: What I like to feel in my heart of hearts is that this mural depicts what was happening in Nsburg's heart of hearts at that moment.
Edith: So this is supposed to represent the carnage we were hoping would erupt?
Juicy: And a bit of an arhythmia. We should really get that looked at. Now if I may have your attention, behold some of the subtle details that I have worked into this mural. This shaft of light which is coming down from the heavens to illuminate this singular animal. I made that with a sponge.
Edith: Oh yeah, I can really tell.
Juicy: Ah, I understand. You're-you're definitely a connoisseur of sponges then. I mean, I've got more sponge work on this wall. Here there's some natural sea sponges, there's a few kitchen sponges. I even broke out the contraceptive sponges for a little bit of dry sponging in the details of the fur.
G-Money: Is that why Kitty Corner was all sold out?
A-Train: Hey, yeah. I ended up having to use one of the gas station vulcanized rubbers. It was like wearing a boot.
Edith: Urgh. I'm not sure I can do this anymore, Graham, Alex, I think I might still be drunk.
G-Money: Oh, no way.
Juicy: Oh, you might want to back away from the painting a bit. The fresco is still very wet and it's off gassing something fierce.
Edith: Actually, you know what? I've changed my mind. This isn't just a poorly rendered mural, it's an entire sensory experience. I had completely overlooked the olfactory component and the time-limited nature of the work. You can only truly appreciate this artwork work if you arrive before the paint dries. Right now it's capable of taking you on a... frankly an accurate journey to relive what may or may not be the siege of Towne Hall. But after it dries it will merely be an eyesore. Also I really don't think that looks like a tiger.
Juicy: Yeah, I kind of moved the two of them into one.
G-Money: Well, uh, Edith, I think you need to have a lie down.
Edith: What a good suggestion Graham. There's some very nice looking cardboard boxes back here, so I'm just gonna have a little sit down.
G-Money: Uh, before we let you go, is there anything else going on in the Arts this week Edith?
Edith: Well hopefully not with this mural. I've described it pretty exhaustively. Zzzzz
A-Train: Sweet dreams. Don't let the box bugs bite.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Speaking of substance-induced nightmares, it's time for traffic. We go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter, how's it going up there Richter?
{Graphic: QWRP Traffic}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}
Richter Hammockslam: Hello Graham. I'd like to alert commuters who are traveling from the Chums up to the Shaughnessy Turnpike that there is currently a backup all the way to Third Avenue. If you're looking to travel south, you may want to consider an alternate route, perhaps on Mason Street or Riffleton Boulevard. Chumble Drive is backed up by three blocks thanks to an accident. And the Salt Flats are currently closed for annual drag race championships.
A-Train: Was that real traffic?!
G-Money: Uh. I-thank-thank you Richter. I think he read that motivational book I gave him.
Richter: Okay, got it? That's how it's done Joy. Do you have any questions? I know the interchange from First Avenue to Nsburg Ring Road is is kind of tricky.
G-Money: Oh no, he read the wrong book.
A-Train: Richtor, did you accidentally on purpose kidnap a child again?
Richter: Alex, you have all people should know that it's not take-your-daughter-to-work day until next week. Regardless, the adoption papers haven't even been finalized yet. No, Joy has just completed her junior commercial pilot's license and, with the help of Nsburg High Aerospace Club...
{Graphic: Nsburg High Aerospace Club}
Richter: ...is flying alongside me in her brand new, experimental Autogyro. Careful of the rotor wash sunshine.
G-Money: Richter that's, uh, that's astounding. Please pass on my very real and heartfelt congratulations.
{Traffic graphic and caption return}
Richter: Oh, it's been a grueling process for her, but having her up in the copter these past 6 months has really let her crank out the required hours. I bet you didn't even notice I wasn't doing the flying.
G-Money: I-my cardiologist has advised me to never take extra notice of what you're doing.
A-Train: You should hear what my therapist has to say about Richter.
Richter: And as part of her work experience program, she'll be taking over traffic reporting for Jimmy Jams Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol.
G-Money: Richter, she's 11.
Richter: I know, right? I've always said she's bright for her age, that's why I revived the Summer Intern Mentality Project. She's going to be such an asset. And, because she's only 11, the station will be able to keep her for eight more years.
A-Train: It's not a medieval apprenticeship Richter!
Richter: So Joy, I guess all that's left to do now is teach you the Phrase That Pays.
G-Money: Richter, that only works during Jimmy Jams Afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol.
Richter: "Give me your money". This is Richter Hammockslam, up in the QWRP traffic Qwopter, signing off and handing over to Joy. Back to you Graham.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: I-I... don't know.... how to feel.
Michael O'Leary: I heard the broadcast and I've brought you rolaids and this homemade epinephrine.
G-Money: Oh, thank you Michael. That's-that's a very long syringe. That's very nice of you.
Michael: I always have my eye on your health Graham.
G-Money: That's why my watch sends you the updates.
Michael: It's true that you only added me to your family sharing so that we could share apps and streaming, but I've come to cherish the responsibility.
G-Money: At least today's show shouldn't get any more stressful-it's Derek next, isn't it, though?
Michael: That is the general sequence of things. Alex, why are you staring at the ceiling?
A-Train: Is that lampshade crooked? I can't tell.
G-Money: We go now to Summer Intern Derek, who is live on location with details on the formal transition of Richard Therpston III from the Nsburg Mayoral Office to ... jail. How's it going Derek?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: LIVE ON LOCATION: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex, it's me Summer intern Derek. Guys I'm so excited because today I get to be a part of Nsburg history. Today we witnessed their transition of a-wait you already did this line. You stole my line Graham!
G-Money: Derek, it's been a rough show so far. Please just carry on.
Derek: All right, fine, but I thought that was gold. It took me minutes to come up with. I'm here downtown next to Nsburg's very first and most despised funicular-railway. Nobody in town likes it and we all want to get rid of it. And the Town Council came with some very interesting ideas on how to make use of it now that no one's going to ride it anymore.
G-Money: Uh-huh.
Derek: This is going to require a little bit of backstory so I need you to be patient.
G-Money: I feel like we're always pretty patient with you Derek.
Derek: So the other day, I had the honor of being down at the Towne Hall to watch everybody sit around a whiteboard and come with ideas on how to deal with Dick Therpston now that we no longer want him to be mayor of our fine city. And, according to my notes, we had some really amazing ideas. For example, several people wanted to chain him up in the Spite House, but that's not technically jail and he did commit crimes. The second most popular option was to set him loose to live as a phantom in the labyrinth under the city.
G-Money: You mean the Rum Tunnels?
Derek: Yeah. Everyone thought of it as a form of community sentencing.
A-Train: Yeah, but what has he ever done for the community?
Derek: A funicular and recess bike lanes?
G-Money: Derek.
Derek: And there was a lot of other really good brainstorming, but after we did all of it Judge Cecily Waffle-Parker reminded everyone that he has to go to the real actual County Jail in Julesburg. My dad didn't like that very much cuz he says the county doesn't appreciate blue sky thinking. Oh-oh, also Dick gave us a reviled figure to rally against.
G-Money: Uh, yeah, all right, sure, I'll give you that.
Derek: Now, according to the minutes, after that point everyone got really sad and then the Judge added that it was up to us to decide how we get him to jail wink wink. And then everyone got really happy. So they erased the whiteboard and everyone started yelling out ideas on how to get him to jail. And, uh, let's see, the one idea that had the most red stickers indicating a strong preference just said "more railway".
A-Train: Oh yeah, this was my idea. I-I figured he wanted a rail so bad we could run him out of town on it.
G-Money: Which brings you there.
Derek: No, the broadcast van brought me here. And we're at the midpoint of the newly elongated funicular line and I'm standing here with Dr Darren Von Spront, who's appointed project manager for his great enthusiasm and I'm assuming engineering chops. Welcome to you Dr Von Spront.
{Caption added: Dr. Darren von Spront - Local Inventor}
Darren Von Spront: Well as not a native speaker of your, uh, English language, I believe a doctor is, uh, correct in that I have a, uh, degree, but I am not a medical doctor.
G-Money: Boy, that's awfully specific.
Von Spront: I've been ordered by the court to make this very clear like a night of crystal.
Derek: And, of course, we are also joined by the man of honor himself. And by honor, I'm using that word ironically wink wink. Did I do it right guys?
G-Money: Well, no, but we can talk about it later. Please keep going.
Derek: It's former mayor Dick Therpston III. Do you have anything to say to the audience Dick?
{Caption added: Richard Therpston III - Ousted Dictator}
Richard Therpston III: You stinking peasants will pay for treading on my dreams. Damn every one of your beeding, leery eyes.
Derek: Okay, that's enough of that. Officer Steve, will you please replace the ball gag.
Dick: This is humiliat-
{Caption removed: Richard Therpston III - Ousted Dictator}
G-Money: Bal-sorry, did you-Derek did you say "ball gag"?
Derek: It was sitting with the fuzzy handcuffs we found in his office. We wanted to make sure nothing of his was left behind.
G-Money: You know when you retroactively don't want to have heard the answer to a question? Sorry you-you-you carry on Derek.
Derek: So Dr Von Spront, what's the big idea that helps us run the scoundrel out of town?
Von Spront: After extensive research I can categorically say that this is the best solution upon which to run Dick out of town on his own funicular. We initially found joy in the idea of, uh, the sufferings that Dick would have of running him out of town on his own infrastructure, but there was a significant shortfall in the amount of pre-existing track. The solution I came upon was to tear up half the track at great expense and move it, at what is civically responsible to mention was a very great expense, and connect it at the current track terminus, roughly doubling its length and making it long enough to accelerate Dick to what I have calculated to be County terminal velocity.
A-Train: Sorry, did you build a monorail gun?
Von Spront: Yeah. The launch vehicle containing Mr Therpston will, uh, achieve velocities of up to 25,000 miles per hour in the time it takes to enter a low earth atmosphere. At apogee, Dick will enter freeall and explosive chargers will deploy the drone chutes that will slow his descent for a splash down in one of our predicted landing zones with an accuracy estimate of less than 10 miles.
A-Train: 10 miles? I thought you people got ballistic trajectories worked out in the Cold War!
Von Spront: Hey! Who you calling you people?
A-Train: Rocket scientists!
Von Spront: Oh, no rockets are required. The launch vehicle is impelled by a massive electromagnetic impulse powered by a direct connection to the Nsburg power grid.
G-Money: I'm sorry, could I cut back in to the part where you said "great expense". You said it twice.
Von Spront: Well, it's an ambitious project and I only had two weeks to work out the particulars of the funicular.
A-Train: Uh, Derek? Can you park the mobile broadcast van somewhere else? Maybe over by the high school?
Derek: But that's the other side of town.
A-Train: You'll thank me later.
G-Money: I'm going to level with Von Spront, this sounds like it might be ... dangerous.
Von Spront: Oh Mr Qwerpline, it's more than dangerous. It's very likely lethal.
G-Money: Oh cool.
Von Spront: And that is why we are going to first test fire with a dummy plug.
Derek: Oh, is this going to be like when Unit-01 engages Ramiel and Nerve has to reroute all Japan's power grid to the positron rifle?
Von Spront: Yes, I suppose in a completely different manner than the one you've described. We can discuss this later but for now, let the fireworks begin!
A-Train: Hey Graham, could you pass me the rolaids?
Von Spront: Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
Derek: We have atomic batteries?
A-Train: Is that an earthquake?
G-Money: Oh, I can feel that from here.
Von Spront: Ex ad is ad vinklar.
Dick: My solarium!
Derek: Gentle listeners, if you weren't leaning out the window right now, you're probably wondering what's going on. And it's my job to tell you. It's bananas! The dummy plug rocketed down the monorail and lodged itself into the side of Dick Therpston's house. It's completely destroyed his solarium. Dr Von Sprout, was that supposed to happen?
Von Spront: Well, I could not legally say it was outside the realm of possibility, but if only because it actually happened before my very eyes. Ya, shall we, uh, meet back here another two weeks, give us another shot?
A-Train: No, he literally has to go to jail today. Ne have to get him to Julesburg before 3p.m.
G-Money: Wait, why? There's not some, like, archaic, legal loophole where he gets to go free is there?
A-Train: No, Sandra just says he can't stay in the Rum Tunnels for another night.
G-Money: Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, no. I mean, yeah, no, poor Sandra. She has enough phantasms as it is.
Derek: Guys, I could do it.
G-Money: What? Stay in the rum tunnels?
A-Train: You're not old enough.
Derek: No, I mean I can drive him. I, Derek, shall do the deed. I shall throw Dick in the back of the QWRP FM Mobile Broadcast Van that I recently gassed up and then also cleaned the windshield. And I will drive hellbent for leather, but not over the speed limit, and deliver him to the county jail in Julesburg. Where he shall rot forever more, or until he makes parole, or they get bored of him, or whatever it is they're supposed to do cuz I'm not clear on the legal system because I'm only 19.
A-Train: Sweet, one less thing for me to do.
Derek: Officer Steve, throw that miscreant in the back of the Mobile Broadcast Van.
Dick: Why does it smell like ham in here?
Derek: Graham and Alex, I shall call you in 3 hours when I have delivered him to the safe embrace of Julesburg. Back to you.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
A-Train: That's interesting. I've never had a headache go away during this job.
G-Money: Kind of funny. Two mayors in a row sent up the river, huh?
A-Train: Man, remember when that Lancer guy from Chuffield University told us we "had to have a mayor".
G-Money: You know, I'm prepared to say that's patently untrue. I think this town has been noticeably worse off since we started having mayors.
Beatrice Landstraad: Hold the metaphorical phone, Graham and Alex. Hello dear listeners of QWRP, special intern Beatrice Landstraad here.
G-Money: distantly Uh, hi?
Beatrice: There's urgent breaking news in Nsburg. We have a new mayor.
G-Money: No!
A-Train: How?!
Beatrice: Joan hired me to review the footage from the day of the Raccoon Race. There was a second raccoon in the building. That means there's someone else in line of succession.
A-Train: As Aldersm'n, I have no strong feelings about this. Who's the new mayor?
Beatrice: It's Ball Hinkley!
A-Train: FUbeep! {beeps continue under G-Moneys next line}
G-Money: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd that takes us up to the break. When we come back, the Girl Scouts are once again offering free flu shots. Just sign up on their website, choose a time slot, and location in town with little cover, and wait. A trained technician will deliver the vaccine discreetly to you from up to 500 yards.
A-Train: Wait, are they just sniping people full of wellness?
G-Money: I thought they were joking about that tranquilizer rifle, but apparently the 32-gauge Palmer Cap-Chur is a real thing.
A-Train: Ooh, I'm traveling to Borneo soon. You think they do malaria?
G-Money: And-and speaking of drug cocktails, the Town Hall is having a fundraiser. They have specifically asked us to say is quote "not related to our massive gambling deficit" unquote.
A-Train: Wasn't Derek working as the bookie? Maybe he should stay in Julesburg for a couple days.
G-Money: Mmm. Stick around folks, more Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM thanks again to our sponsor...
{Graphic: Parabellum Vellum Flabellum}
Announcer: ...Parabellum Vellum Flabellum. A delicate instrument to help cool your home, made from the finest onion skin paper and sharpened to a point to help drive off intruders. Parabellum Vellum Flabellum: come here quick because we got a sell 'em.
