Santa Drugs Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Santa Drugs
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where there's no business like show-business. I'm Graham, the executive producer, joining me this week is Matt, the casting directory.
Matt: {SITTING PROVOCATIVELY} Why don't you have a seat on this couch next to me?
Graham: And Kathleen, the best boy.
Kathleen: Nobody knows what I do!
Matt: I'm not buying it.
James: What about key grip James?
Matt: Much better. Let's see how good your grip is.
{PAN TO JAMES}
James: {LOOKS AT CAMERA}
Graham: I dunno what just happened.
Matt: I just made this boy a star.
{PAN TO JAMES}
James: Nah, not buying it.
Graham: Alright whatever. Let's get this done early so I can go take a snooze.
{TITLE: SO I CAN GO TAKE A SNOOZE/NEWS}
Graham: A petition has been circulating to prevent Nickelback from playing in the halftime show of the Detroit Lions game on November 24th.
James: {READING FROM IPOD, SINGING} Never made it as a woz man! I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'.
Matt: And THIS is how you remind ME how much I hate Nickelback.
James: Nice play on the chorus, Matt. Bones for Nickelback! {OFFERS FIST}
{PAN TO MATT}
Matt: {DISGUSTED} No. No bones for Nickelback.
Graham: I find this interesting because I thought it was just Canadians who hate Nickelback because we grudgingly accept they're from here, but these are- this petition is from people in Detroit! This is the Detroit people hate them too!
A Pennsylvania man wanted on drug charges was arrested on Halloween wearing an inmate's costume. Smooth, guy.
Matt: It's perfect! It's like hiding in plane sight! Where's the last place they're gonna look?
James: Halloween is about escape, dude. You're supposed to dress as somebody that you're not. 'Kay, you dress like a criminal, they're gonna look for you. What you shoulda dressed like is a cop.
Matt: Or at least something with a mask? So cops don't recognize you?
James: Ooh! A cop IN a mask!
{SHOT OF JAMES AND MATT, JAMES IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER HAT, MATT IS WEARING A SCREAM MASK/COWL AND A POLICE OFFICER HAT}
James: {WEARING A POLICE OFFICER HAT} {CLEARS HIS THROAT}
Matt: {WEARING A SCREAM MASK/COWL AND POLICE OFFICER HAT} Is there a problem, fellow officer of the law?
Graham: Times are tough, and the county executive of New York's Suffolk county has determined that he cannot allocate from his 2.7 billion dollar budget the 660 dollars necessary to pay a veteran to play Santa Claus at Christmas time.
{SHOT OF JAMES AND MATT, MATT IS WEARING A SANTA COSTUME, SANTA HAT, AND BEARD. JAMES HAS HIS ARMS CROSSED}
Matt: {IN SANTA COSTUME} Ho ho ho ho!
James: No no no no.
Matt: {IN SANTA COSTUME} Aww.
Graham: {HOLDING IPAD} The presiding officer of the county legislature, and a democrat, says {READING} "Do we really have to hold Santa Claus hostage to balance the budget." And the overseeing comptroller of the county's government fiscal prudence, and a republican, said {READING} "I mean 600 dollars, give me a break, there comes a point when you go overboard in terms of penny pinching."
Matt: YES! They've finally found common ground!
James: Only one logical step from here: Santa needs to run for president.
Matt: I'd vote for the Claus-Gore ticket in 2012.
James: Claus-Gore? Please. Claus-Palin 2012.
Graham: And the dream of a bipartisan American dies again.
Matt: {WEARING SANTA HAT AND BEARD} Oh well. I'll just run for Congress.
Graham: A Nigerian comedian arrested on drug charges will be going free after the police found nothing untoward in his poop.
James: Makes me very happy to know that I'm not the only one out there who judges a man on the contents of his poop.
Matt: Maybe this is off side, but I can't help but wonder: if a Nigerian comic requires a cheque in the amount of five thousand dollars in order to deliver you his punchline.
James: So like, what, are all his jokes about like, scams and stuff?
Matt: So my recently deceased wealthy Aunt, a Nigerian prince, and an unclaimed sum of lottery winnings walked into a bar! {FINGER GUNS}
James: AND?!
Matt: In order that we may both profit from this punchline, please do be send me a cheque in the amount of five thousand dollars to secure all taxes and fees.
James: HA!
Graham: I think my favourite part about this story is that the police had to inspect eighteen bowel movements.
Matt: What you haven't told us to this point though, Graham, is what they were looking for.
Graham: Uh... you guys can guess if you want.
{TITLE: James and Matt HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT'S IN THIS NIGERIAN'S POOP}
Matt: A litter of puppies!
James: No, they were looking for drugs.
Matt: A litter of puppies?
James: No. DRUGS.
Matt: Oooh! A litter of puppies!
James: {SIGHS} OK we're gonna go with a litter of puppies apparently.
Graham: I don't think this game's gonna make a comeback after this. They were looking for DRUGS, specifically cocaine.
Matt: I still think I was closer.
James: The only way that your idea could have been right is if he was smuggling cocaine inside the puppies that were already inside his butt.
{MATT POPS IN FROM SIDE OF FRAME WITH MOVIE CLAPPERBOARD, SNAPS IT SHUT}
Matt: CUT! We're out. This show's gone too far.
Graham: I'm pretty sure that's my call, but I'll allow it. So until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON FUZZY PINK VAGINA HAT} this hat. Because why would anyone have this hat.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
James: {HOLDING FUZZY PINK VAGINA HAT} This isn't a hat, this is literally just a big fuzzy vagina.
Graham: Nigeria is often a major transit point for Latin American cocaine travelling to Europe. And they thought this guy had some in his butt. But he didn't. Nor did he have puppies in his butt. Butt puppies. {LAUGHS}
