Send Us Your Complaints Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Send Us Your Complaints
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. It's finally fall and that means scarves and tights {LIFTS UP LEG TO SHOW HER TIGHTS} and cute boots, and most importantly fall-themed drinks! I'm a cranberry log latte. Joining me this week is a drink flavored with rotten leaves,
Beej: I'll have it as a half-caff frappachino, 'cos they're chunky!
Kathleen: And twenty thousand dollars of high interest student debt.
Cam: It works best with a {AIR-QUOTES} "recycled grounds" very small drip coffee.
{TITLE: PUMPKIN SPICE IS OVERRATED IT HAD TO BE SAID!/WHITE GIRL GUANTLET THROWN!}
Kathleen: Hey guys, did you hear about the Canadian man who was arrested at the Detroit border smuggling turtles? He had more than fifty of them strapped to his body.
Cam: {OFFSCREEN, DISINTERESTEDLY} Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
{KATHLEEN LOOKS PUZZLED}
Cam: Reptile smuggling into Canada is something that happens so frequently in news of the weird that it stopped being either newsworthy or weird, and now it just seems to be some kind of other problem that we're not doing an adequate job of addressing. Maybe someone with more journalistic integrity than Feed Dump could actually look into this.
Beej: If you're a journalist with questions regarding the smuggling of reptiles into Canada, please contact: Anyone But Us, care of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, Hityourselfintheheadwithahammer Lane, Ottawa.
{CONTACT SCREEN: Please write to: Anyone But Us C/O Canadian Broadcasting Corp. Hityourselfintheheadwithahammer Ln. Ottawa}
Kathleen: Speaking of Canada, an Air Canada internal bulletin has been leaked, threatening to pursue criminal charges against pilots who watch porn in the cockpit.
Cam: Insert Cockpit Joke Here... is actually the title of the film in question.
Beej: Damn it, pilots! You should have to spank it in a small airplane bathroom just like the rest of us!
Cam: Where it's windowless and nobody could even see you and it's totally joyless.
Kathleen: Luckily for Feed Dump, we actually have some of the text of that internal memo. {READS FROM WHITE iPHONE} "I am disappointed to have to raise this issue once again," it begins.
Cam: Is nothing sacred? Soon there will be nowhere where our predominantly male profession can implicitly sexually harass their female coworkers!
Wait, did I say "implicitly"? I mean "explicitly and publicly".
Beej: What volume of porn is being consumed that requires they not only send a memo, but they have to include the words "once again"?
Cam: If I was working anywhere else and a coworker came into my office and I was just kind of idly watching porn on the second monitor, I would not expect the consequences of that to be a sternly worded memo to the entire company! That's really more of a "get security" kind of situation.
Beej: Air Canada: fly the inappropriately friendly skies.
Cam: Skies may be moderately sticky.
Kathleen: Did you know there's an island in the South Pacific called Tanna that's part of the Vanuatu archipelago, where Prince Philip is worshiped as a god?
Cam: Well, thank Philip that climate change is about to wipe it off the map.
{SHOT OF CAM AND BEEJ ON THE COUCH}
Beej: I confess that the only thing I know about Prince Philip is that he is married to Elizabeth II.
Cam: Oh, well, Beej, and for those viewers at home who might be unfamiliar, Prince Philip is kind of like the United Kingdom's very own racist old grandpa. He's made culturally insensitive and racist remarks into kind of an art form. {BEAT} A publicly funded art form.
Kathleen: So what happened here is, uh, in 1974, Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth visited the island, and the island's native people have a myth {READS FROM iPHONE} about the uh, son of a mountain spirit who will present himself as a pale-skinned man who journeyed from far way to marry a powerful woman. And so when Elizabeth and Philip showed up, they were like "Holy shit, that's the guy!" And uh, he has since given them three portraits which are some of their most prized possessions. {LAUGHS}
Cam: So, wait, {TAKES OFF GLASSES} let me get this straight: They have a mythology surrounding the coming of a himbo unto them?
Beej: And here I am unworshiped by anybody.
Cam: Well, you should have married a queen then.
Beej: If you're an unmarried queen looking for a bumbling idiot who wants to be worshiped as a god, please write: Beej, at LoadingReadyRun, Putyourhandonahotstove Boulevard, Ottawa.
{CONTACT SCREEN: Please write to: BEEJ C/O LoadingReadyRun Putyourhandonahotstove Blvd. Ottawa}
Kathleen: Police officers in New Mexico are freaked out after seeing CCTV footage of what seems to be a ghost walking around the police station! {WAVES FINGERS OF ONE HAND} Wooooooooooooo! {BEAT} Seriously.
Cam: In my experience, it's usually just a police officer in their clan outfit going to their locker room.
Beej: They think it's a ghost. These people have guns, and sometimes tanks.
Kathleen: So the officer who saw this ghostly apparition reported it to his boss and they agreed, AGREED, that it had to be a ghost because otherwise, how could something walk into the station without the gate opening and the alarm sounding? However, not everyone agrees. Some people are skeptical, including {READS FROM iPHONE} paranormal investigator Brian Bonner who told the Huffington Post "the image appears to have been caused by a small insect crawling across the plastic case that houses the lens of the camera."
{SHOT OF CAM AND BEEJ ON THE COUCH. CAM SEEMS TO BE IN DEEP THOUGHT ABOUT THE STORY}
Beej: I don't kn-
Cam: {HOLDS UP HAND} Shhh! Don't ruin this for me. {KEEPS THINKING ABOUT IT} Mmmm, yeah. Oh... {SHUDDERS}
Kathleen: If you found Cameron's apparent sexual gratification at the extreme stupidity of the New Mexico police in any way offensive, please write to: Oh Go Away You're Not Fun, Elbowtotheface Crescent, Ottawa.
{CONTACT SCREEN: Please write to: Oh Go Away You're Not Fun Elbowtotheface Cres. Ottawa}
Cam: If you were intrigued by Cameron's apparent sexual gratification at the New Mexico police department's incompetence, please write to: Higher, Higher, Higher, LOWER Crescent, Ottawa, Canada.
{CONTACT SCREEN: Please write to: Higher Higher Higher LOWER Cres. Ottawa Canada}
Kathleen: Sir Roger Moore, former 007 and noted humanitarian, had to take to Twitter to correct the Torquay Herald story about him saying that he was enjoying a Scotch egg at a Devon pub. He was in fact having the ham hock terrine, according to his tweet.
Beej: W-Wait, wait wait wait wait. Roger Moore has a knighthood? Prince Philip is worshiped as a god? Why do all the old British men get all the good shit?
Cam: Whoa whoa whoa whoa, let's not forget that he had to eat something called a ham hock terrine- {DRY-VOMITS IN HIS MOUTH}
Beej: He's in Torquay. Did Basil Fawlty serve him this terrine?
Cam: Also, wait, hold on. The Scots lay eggs? {BEAT} And we let them stay?
Kathleen: No no no no, they're fresh. Chef's just opened the tin. And on that classic comedy line, we must call this episode of Fawlty Towers Dump to a close. But remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have {PUTS ON WHITE TIGER EARFLAP HAT} this hat, which is a white tiger hat. It's very similar to the lion hat, but it's even slightly cuter. Yeah, rawr. I don't know, I didn't have an exit strategy planned here, I was just, put on the hat and go. {BEAT} {WAVES JAZZ HANDS} Jazz hands!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Beej: I am all for anything that keeps pilots more engaged.
Cam: {AIR-QUOTES} "Engorged".
