Soldiers of Fortune Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Soldiers of Fortune
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we'd love it if you'd roll for initiative. I'm Graham, a human rogue, joining me this week is Jeremy, an Eladrin Wizard.
Jer: Don't even talk to me.
Graham: And Paul, a Gnome... gnomish? Gnomish?
And Paul, a Bard who's a Gnome.
A Gnome and a Bard.
And Paul, a Gnomish Bard.
Paul: I am also from Gnome, Alaska.
Graham: So our friends at Wizards of the Coast gave us these DnD fortune cards which are ordinarily used for uh, spicing up your battle encounters in a game of DnD, but we thought they'd probably be pretty good at spicing up an episode of Feed Dump as well, so. {TAKES A PACK} Gonna crack into some of these as we check out the Gelatinous Cubes.
{TITLE: LET'S CHECK OUT THE GELATINOUS CUBES/NEWS (WAIT, GELATINOUS NEWS)}
Graham: In Australia they are protecting their most iconic marsupial, the koala (which I would think would be the kangaroo but this article says it's the koala, so shut up) by imposing tougher speed limits and building special koala tunnels, so they can crawl under the roads.
Jer: {HOLDING A FORTUNE CARD} {READING} "Play when you hit a creature with an At-Will attack." Koalas definitely creatures, and... I would call driving over them an At-Will attack, so I think this counts. {READING} "Quickstep: After the attack, shift one square as a free action."
Paul: OK that's way easier, instead of building tunnels, we just give these cards to all the koalas, so they can go, HWUT! Move out of the way!
Jer: Well, you have to play it after hitting a creature with an attack, I guess the koala could drive over someone.
{PAN TO PAUL}
Paul: Then we would need people tunnels.
{PAN BACK TO JER}
Jer: I think this is a better plan.
Paul: You know they'd probably fall asleep at the wheel, too. Those guys cannot get enough protein in their diet.
Graham: Uh, Jer, according to this, you have to move up to three squares as an immediate reaction, and if we consider that couch to be three squares, I think it's gonna get comfy over there.
{SHOT OF PAUL AND JER ON THE SOFA; JER MOVES TO PAUL'S SQUARE; PAUL IS KIND OF SQUISHED}
Jer: {HOLDING FORTUNE CARD} Uh, Graham, I would like to play "Shall we Dance," uh, {READING} "as a free action you and the enemy," uh, which I think in this case is definitely you, "swap positions."
Graham: What?
{SHOT OF PAUL AND GRAHAM ON THE SOFA; GRAHAM IS NOW SQUISHING PAUL}
Paul: This isn't any better!
Graham: This couch isn't nearly as comfortable as my chair.
{SHOT OF JER IN GRAHAM'S CHAIR}
Jer: Aww yeah. {RUBS HIMSELF OVER CHAIR} Yesss!
{GRAHAM IS NOW ON THE SOFA}
Graham: Well, if you're over there, you've gotta read them.
Jer: {IN GRAHAM'S SPOT} In Salt Lake City, thousands of people stripped to their underwear and took to the streets to protest what they called the uptight laws of Utah.
{SHOT OF PAUL AND GRAHAM, SITTING VERY CLOSE TOGETHER}
Graham: OK, first, I am rolling away, shifting up to two squares as a free action, which I'm gonna play when I stand up. {STANDS UP, OUT OF FRAME}
Graham: {NOW ON OTHER SIDE OF COUCH} Now, I'm all for protesting laws that you disagree with, but I don't know if actively breaking that law is the best way of doing it. Like, I don't think I should be restricted on when I can water my lawn, but I'm not gonna set up ten sprinklers and a slip-n-slide just to be like, {GIVES THE DOUBLE FINGER ALL OVER THE PLACE: THE DOUBLE DEUCE} to the police.
{WIDE SHOT OF GRAHAM ON SOFA, WITH PAUL PEAKING IN FROM SIDE; GRAHAM IS OPENING ANOTHER PACK OF FORTUNE CARDS; PAUL STICKS HIS HEAD BEHIND GRAHAM, TRIES TO STICK HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET}
Graham: What are you doing?!
Paul: I'm protesting pickpocketing laws!
Jer: It may warm your hearts to know that the events organizers strictly forbade nudity.
Paul: I disagree with your ban on nudity! To protest, I'm going to wear my underwear! Wait.
Jer: Texas is abolishing the tradition of last meals for prisoners on death row after a series of odd requests. Culminating in white supremacist Lawrence Brewer requesting {READING} "a triple meat bacon cheeseburger, a meat lover's pizza, a big bowl of okra with ketchup, a pound of barbeque, a half a loaf of bread, peanut butter fudge, a pint of ice cream, and two chicken fried steaks.
Graham: Was he hoping the heart attack would kill him first? 'Cause that's only gonna save the state money.
Paul: He's proving that you can take it with you, if it's inside your body.
{SHOT OF PAUL AND GRAHAM, GRAHAM IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER HAT}
Graham: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Uh, just one second. {REACHES BEHIND HIM FOR IMAGINARY PAPER PAD TO TAKE NOTES} Uh, let me- OK, sorry, keep going.
Paul: Alright, three dozen Krispy Kreme donuts, a crate of Oreo cookies, make sure they're double stuff,
Graham: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Oh, yeah, right.
Paul: And ten sticks of TNT.
Graham: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Hm. Kay.
Paul: For my indigestion.
Graham: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Right, right.
{BACK TO JUST GRAHAM NOW}
Graham: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Uh, just briefly, I'm gonna use "Quickswitch," which I can play at any time to stow one item {TAKES OFF HAT} this cop hat, and draw another item. This beret. {PUTS ON WHITE BERET} So now I have that.
Jer: Myself, I would be surprised if after several years of prison food, he could eat even one chicken fried steak, and... it looks like he didn't actually eat any of it.
Paul: Wow. What a dick. Although you did say he was a white supremacist, so, he's probably not that nice a guy.
Graham: {WEARING WHITE BERET} And, I want my chair back, so Jer, you have to {READING FORTUNE CARD} make a saving throw or fall prone.
Jer: UhhAHA! {ROLLS D20} Ten! Suck it, bitches!
Paul: Mm, yes, yes, I would suck it bitches, indeed, if I didn't have {HOLDS UP FORTUNE CARD} vicious damage! {READS} Reroll a saving throw! HA!
Jer: Saunderrrssss! {ROLLS D20} {SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH} Whelp, I guess, I'm goin' prone. {FALLS ON THE FLOOR} I will do the rest of the Feed Dump from down here. Prone.
{GRAHAM, STILL WEARING WHITE BERET, GETS BACK IN HIS CHAIR}
Graham: {WEARING WHITE BERET} Excellent. In Huntington Beach California recently they had a dog surfing contest, because nothing says competition like being forced to do something you can't understand or even fully comprehend.
Jer: {FACEDOWN ON FLOOR} Wow. Huntington Beach has cruelty to animal competitions? That's super awesome! Hey, let's put all these dogs on tiny pieces of wood put them out in the middle of the sea, and see which ones stay on while we hit it with waves! Awesome!
Paul: I think the only thing worse than a surfing dog competition would be a dog surfing competition, where a bunch of regular surfers use dogs as surfboards.
Jer: {FACEDOWN ON FLOOR} See, I kinda wanna see that in the streets of downtown San Francisco, where people sort of walk behind a dog and pretend to surf on it while making like, {WIGGLES UP AND DOWN} like ghost riding the dog.
{OPENING PACKS OF FORTUNE CARDS; CARDS ARE SCATTERED AROUND HIM} Are there any of these that end the prone condition?
Graham: {WEARING WHITE BERET} Reports of a possible crashed plane near an Ohio interstate turned out to just be a prop at a water park that apparently nobody noticed 'til now, 'cause it's almost autumn and the leaves are starting to fall.
And they can see it better.
In case that part wasn't clear.
Paul: Why is a crashed plane a prop in a water park? Are they showing what happens when they have a water landing?
Jer: {FACEDOWN ON FLOOR, IN A PILE OF FORTUNE CARDS} I like the sort of Fallout view of this where the plane actually did crash many years ago, and was slowly incorporated into the water park around it. Also, I found this card {HOLDS UP FORTUNE CARD} "And Stay Down," "Play when an enemy stands up, make them make a saving throw or fall down again." {RIPS CARD IN HALF, THEN TEARS INTO QUARTERS}
Graham: {WEARING WHITE BERET} {HOLDS UP EMPTY PACK OF FORTUNE CARDS} Well I would call these a success. If they can spice up our feed dump, they can probably spice your game up pretty well too. Until next time-
Jer: {OFF SCREEN} WAIT!
Jer: {FACEDOWN ON FLOOR, IN A PILE OF FORTUNE CARDS} {HOLDING A FORTUNE CARD} At a loss for anything else to do, I'm gonna take this card "Brutal Takedown" completely out of context and take the fact that it says "the target also falls prone" to knock one of you down. Then, I'm gonna draw another card OH LOOK another Brutal Takedown! {THROWS CARD} Two brutal takedowns, two targets fall prone.
Paul: {LYING FACEDOWN ON SOFA} Eh, this isn't so bad! It's kinda comfy!
Graham: {LYING ACROSS THE TOP OF HIS CHAIR, STILL WEARING WHITE BERET} These are actually probably much better served in a DnD game. So, until next time, there may be better sources for news, {TAKES OFF WHITE BERET} but they don't have {PUTS ON LEOPARD PRINT POOFY HAT} this hat! And that's probably just as well.
Jer: {FROM FLOOR, OFFSCREEN} And stay down! {THROWS REMNANTS OF "AND STAY DOWN" CARD AT HIM}
Graham: {LYING ACROSS THE TOP OF HIS CHAIR, WEARING LEOPARD PRINT POOFY HAT} Augh!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Paul: {LYING FACEDOWN ON SOFA} I'm kinda hungry, {HOLDING FORTUNE CARD} so I'm gonna play this card called "Hamstring." I choose to believe it will give me a string of ham.
Jer: {FACEDOWN ON FLOOR, IN A PILE OF FORTUNE CARDS} Mmm. Hamstring.
Paul: {LYING FACEDOWN ON SOFA} {READING FORTUNE CARD} It says "target it slowed until the start of your next turn," because he's eaten so much ham! Aaah. So full.
