Some of THESE Truck-Nuts Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Some of THESE Truck-Nuts
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where hats go to die. And this week's opening hand is Graham, Nicol Bolas, with me is Vaevictis Asmadi, Alex
Alex: I'm completely unplayable!
Graham: And Chromium, Jeremy!
Jer: Yeah, like seriously you, you wanna mulligan this.
Graham: Yeah, three elder dragons legends in an opening hand? That seems bad. And now, we're all gonna try on some shoes.
{WE'RE ALL GONNA TRY ON SOME SHOES- NEWS}
Graham: A British attempt to beat the world record for the longest bra-chain failed recently when they gave up after nine hours, once they realized hooking together over 166,000 bras might take more than one day.
Jer: Am I the only one picturing 166,000 guys with terrible tans and bleach blond hair all linked together?
{SHOT OF JER AND ALEX; JER IS WEARING DIRTY BLOND WIG AND ORANGE SHADES; ALEX IS WEARING LONG BLONDE WIG AND BIG SHADES; THEY HAVE THEIR ARMS LINKED. ALEX IS DRINKING A ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK}
Alex: {WEARING LONG BLONDE WIG AND BIG SHADES} I think we're gonna need more bras, bra!
Jer: {WEARING DIRTY BLOND WIG AND ORANGE SHADES} CHAIN IT!
Alex: {WEARING LONG BLONDE WIG AND BIG SHADES} CHAIN IT!
Jer: {WEARING DIRTY BLOND WIG AND ORANGE SHADES} CHAIN IT! {POUNDS FIST}
Graham: I think my favourite part of the story is that with no hint of irony, at least not that's clear from the article, they called the volunteers who came to hook the bras together "hookers."
Alex: Where's the joke to be made there?
Jer: Hooking up with bras?
Alex: What exactly is the end game here? Are they trying to make some sort of giant sized aircraft carrier style stopping elastic?
Jer: At least the planes will be well supported.
Graham: I am very happy that a jury in Charleston, South Carolina is having to decide whether or not a woman broke obscenity laws by having truck nuts on her pickup.
Alex: So wait the good taste police can actually arrest people now?! {CLAPS}
Jer: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND BIG SUNGLASSES} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} You had best be takin' down that chintzy brick-a-brack, young lady!
{PANS TO ALEX, HOLDING GIANT FORK AND SPOON}
Alex: I thought that putting truck nuts on your vehicle was the entry fee to South Carolina.
Jer: Only through North Carolina.
Alex: So you teabag as you drive? {MIMES HAND IN AND OUT} Like a disrespect thing?
Jer: Teabagging across America!
{PAN TO ALEX}
Alex: Teabagging across one state of America.
{PAN TO JER... KIND OF}
Jer: Two states. They... they still try to legitimize that they are two states.
Graham: South Carolina law describes a bumper sticker, decal, or device indecent when "it describes, in an offensive way, as determined by contemporary community standards, sex acts, excretory functions, or parts of the human body."
Alex: So you could have a drawing of any body part, but if it was deemed inappropriate you could be charged for it?
Jer: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND BIG SUNGLASSES} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} I don't like the drawin' of a fibia you got there, I don't know what a fibia is, but it sounds inappropriate.
Graham: According to an expert on these things, five years ago the biggest factor for baby naming was personal meaning. Now? It is celebrities. As in, like, naming your kids after them.
Alex: Hey, I was just born this way.
Jer: So was this like using the full celebrity name as an- as a name? Like, "Tom Cruise Stark?"
Graham: If I have a son, considering I already have the options Tony or Eddard, I'm pretty good without Tom Cruise.
Alex: I think it would be much worse if it was sort of a middle name kinda thing, 'cause then you'd get Bob Enrique Iglesias Smith.
Jer: I can't wait for people to start getting, like, lazy with this, too. So you'd have like, Paul "The Cast of Cheers" Hanson.
Alex: If you named your kid after the actor who was playing Doctor Who, would you have to change it every couple seasons.
Jer: No! Tom Daniel Craig Matt Smith Petter has a NOBLE NAME. You will never take it away!
Alex: On the contrary. You can keep it.
Graham: I like the implication that at one point, his name was Tom Pierce Brosnan Sylvester McCoy Petter.
None of the three of us were named after celebrities, but if we were... who would we like?
Alex: Alexander the Great?
Jer: Yeah, he seems OK. No Jeremy Clarkson, but, you know.
Alex: Touche.
The best celebrity name... IN THE WORLD.
Graham: What I've learned from this list of famous people named Graham, is that one: there's a lot of professional soccer players named Graham, and two, this list doesn't know the best famous Graham: British comedy actor Graham Stark.
Jer: Or possibly little-known British comedy actor Graham Chapman?
Graham: Or well known confectionery Graham Cracker?
And now for a segment that's vaguely related to Magic the Gathering: we're calling it "Jer and Alex assess the play-ability of some bullshit.
{TITLE: IS IT PLAYABLE? IS IT NOT? Let's Ask JER and ALEX! Graham in the background: Doo doo doo! Jer: Manna Manna Manna!}
Graham: A hot new craze sweeping New York is to do yoga with your pet. How playable is Dog Yoga?
Jer: Well, as I see, you're getting a two-for-one here right from the start, right? Uh... participant plus dog.
Alex: It could work, but... you know, it depends on what format and sort of... you know, the current meta.
Jer: I think you have to ask yourself, though, like, is this what you wanna be doing on this turn.
Alex: A lotta people swear by them, but I really think that yoga balls are sub-optimal.
Jer: I can get behind that.
Alex: Or on top of it?
Jer: Bow-wow?
{PAN TO ALEX}
Alex: What? That wasn't a sex thing, I meant like, that's what you do with a yoga ball.
{PAN TO JER}
Jer: Oh.
{PAN TO ALEX}
Alex: Like... maybe you have sex with it, but, most normal people use it to exercise with.
{PAN TO JER}
Jer: {BOUNCES UP AND DOWN}
Graham: For that to have gone off the rails, it would have needed to have gone anywhere near them to begin with.
Jer: Oh. Sorry, yeah, I'd first pick it.
Alex: I'd probably sideboard it in constructed, but.
Graham: Yeah, that's real fuckin' helpful. Apparently, and in contrast to everything we've just heard, people from northern parts of the world have developed larger brains and bigger eyes to deal with long, dark, dull winters.
Alex: {HOLDING HAIR BACK TO MAKE HIS EYES HUGE} IS THAT SO?!
Jer: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} Well, jeez, I have nothing to do. No one around... HURRRR {PUTS FISTS TO BRAIN} Fwww. pop! {MIMES BRAIN GETTING BIGGER} Wow!
I find the assertion that people would grow bigger brains because they're bored... uh... quite revolutionary, actually. I would assume their brains would just atrophy from the dullness.
Alex: {HOLDING HANDS TO HEAD} {IN POSH ACCENT} My giant northern brain finds your jokes entertaining!
Jer: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} {HOLDING HANDS TO HEAD} Muahahahaha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Alex: {HOLDING HANDS TO HEAD} Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Jer: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} {HOLDING HANDS TO HEAD} Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Alex: {HOLDING HANDS TO HEAD} {HIGH PITCHED} Ha! Ha!
Jer: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} {HOLDING HANDS TO HEAD} Hoo! Hoo!
Alex: {HOLDING HANDS TO HEAD} {HIGH PITCHED} AOooogh! AOoooooggh!
Graham: I need to get the hell out of here, so until next time there may be better sources for news, but they do not have {PUTS ON VADER HELMET} this hat! Search your feelings, you know it to be true. Dah dun, DAH! {JAZZ HANDS?}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Jer: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES}
Graham: {OFF SCREEN} You're still the policeman.
{ALEX REACHES FROM OFFSCREEN, PULLS OFF THE HAT} {THEN PULLS OFF THE GLASSES}
{PAN TO ALEX, WHO REACHES TOWARD JER, GRABS A PORTABLE RADIO}
{PAN BACK TO JER}
{PAN BACK TO ALEX}
Alex: {HOLDING RADIO UP TO FACE, WHISPERING} I'm calling someone who cares.
