Spears & Spume Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Spears & Spume

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Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, a festering enclave of energetic draftsmen and diametrically uncertain massage providers. I'm Graham, joining me this week is Kathleen,

Kathleen: Dedication!

Graham: And, that's it.

Kathleen: Yeeeah!

Graham: And we're gonna do the news.

{TITLE: WE'RE GOING TO DO THE NEWS (SUBTITLE: THERE'S NOT ALWAYS A FUNNY THING)}

Graham: An ATM error allowed Bank of America customer Ronald Page to withdraw one point five million dollars before they caught on. Which he then lost gambling.

Kathleen: In the words of my personal hero Spike Speigal, "Easy come, easy go!"

Graham: You see they don't teach you this in Monopoly. When it says Bank Error in your Favour in the game, you get to keep that two hundred dollars. In real life they get very upset.

Kathleen: Yeah, but that's a game.

Graham: Yeah, I'm just saying, it's trained us poorly for real life.

Kathleen: If that's the only problem you have with Monopoly, you clearly have not played it enough.

Graham: A man in Cincinnati who, while promoting a comedian who suffers from muscular dystrophy asked a crowd if they wanted to laugh at the crippled girl has been charged with disorderly conduct.

Kathleen: I'm sure the police ended up with that charge because the closest thing they could find on the blotter to douche bag.

Graham: That's what I thought too, it turns out the promoter and the comedian are friends, and it was her idea.

Kathleen: So wait a second. So the person he's making fun of doesn't find it offensive? Who charged him?

Graham: The police.

Kathleen: {GRUMBLES}

Graham: Who in their defence did not arrest him at the time when they found out he was the comedian's only ride home.

Kathleen: This story has been such an emotional roller coaster. I don't know who to be mad at for being stupid.

Graham: I'm not sure if this next story is funny. But Kathleen might!

{TITLE: SAD? OFFENSIVE? POTENTIALLY RACIST? IS IT FUNNY? NOBODY KNOWS. (SUBTITLE: Except KATHLEEN!)}

Graham: A sixteen year old Floridian is doing just fine after shooting a spear through his brain.

Kathleen: {LAUGHS} That's actually just funny. 'Cause he's OK, right?! If he had brain damage or something, it would be kinda sad... a lil' funny.

He obviously damaged the parts of the brain that you don't use very often, like the parts that tell you not to shoot spears through your head.

I wonder if he stands on a roof, if can hear the wind whistling through the hole?

And, you know what, this is probably not even going to be a debilitating lifelong injury. With a custom-made jewelry, he can just say he got his skull pierced. He'll be the forefront of body modding.

Graham: The best part is, if a skull piercing went wrong, you'd only be killing people who would want skull piercings. So it's fine!

Surfers in the town of Lorne, Australia recently enjoyed foam day, the one day every three or four years when rainwaters wash a bunch of organic matter into the ocean, resulting in the whole thing looking like someone dumped detergent into a fountain.

Kathleen: Really. {AIR QUOTES} Organic matter. That makes foam. I mean... {LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY} the surfers know that organic matter is like a fancy scientist way of saying rivers of shit. Right? Surfing in shit foam. Just want you to know.

Graham: Actually: {READS FROM IPHONE} "Sea foam is created by the agitation of sea water, particularly when it contains higher concentrations of organic matter including proteins, lignins, and lipids, derived from sources such as the offshore breakdown of algae blooms." On the downside, it is still called "spume."

Kathleen: Well fine, fine. It's algae shit, but you're still swimming in shit. Just shit from tiny plants.

Graham: An episode of Thailand's Got Talent has Thais in a Tizzy after a {LAUGHS} topless... {LOSES IT}

An episode of Thailand's Got Talent put Thais in a tizzy when a topless titillator painted with her tits.

Kathleen: Was it a good painting? Or is it like, Thailand's Got Mild Talent painting, but some great tits?

Graham: Probably moreso the second one, 'cause it doesn't look like that great of a painting, but she did get passed through to the next round.

Kathleen: So what does she do in the second round? 'Cause I imagine there's only so many things that you can paint with tits. Maybe she paints with different body parts? Maybe next time it's bum paintings. Or, ooh, maybe that's why they're uh, they're a little upset.

Graham: I d- I don't know what.

Kathleen: {WHISPERING} Labia paintings.

Graham: I SEE well then we should, uh, move, along. Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but! They don't have this hat! {PUTS ON SMALL BLACK BASEBALL CAP WITH PAX LOGO AND A HORSE ON IT?} Because this doesn't exist {POINTS AT LOGO} this thing doesn't exist anymore. In jokes! Beep boop!

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Kathleen: In conclusion, may I refer you to the famous and well-used Fark tag: "Florida."