Statute of Limitations Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Statute of Limitations
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Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where everybody seems to think that "VR" is this crazy new thing. But we're "old-school VR". I am the "Virtual Boy"...and my eyes hurt! Joining me this week is the "Panasonic Viewmaster"...
Serge: {PRETENDING TO HOLD A VIEWMASTER TO HIS EYES} Ooh, a castle! {FLICKS LEVER TO NEXT PICTURE} Ooh, a castle! {FLICKS LEVER AND THEN THINKS...} I...I think my disk is stuck.
Graham: ...and a "stereoscope".
Cameron: {PRETENDING TO MOVE PICTURES IN THE "STEREOSCOPE" BACK AND FORTH} Ooo. We must all pray that man never combines this technology with a zoetrope.
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Graham: An 18-year-old from Syracuse, Ohio has pled guilty to impersonating a state Senator when he went "on tour" of a high school.
Serge: Either this is a REALLY young politician or this is one of those universes where you have thirty rulers pretending to be high-schoolers like in the movies.
Cameron: Well, I hope the prosecutors in this case will seek to elevate the charges and prosecute this young man as an adult for this heinous crime!
Serge: Isn't there an age limit or something to be a politician? Don't...like a minimum age requirement?
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah, you have to be at least 30.
Serge: Is everyone in this high school STUPID?!
Cameron: This is like the opposite of that Steve Buschemi "30 Rock" GIF. Only, instead, it's more, like, "Hello, fellow Senators. I move that we reduce the minimum drinking age!"
Graham: The school didn't even realize until weeks later when an actual Republican Senator showed up. By the way, the actual guy who showed up looks WAY more like you would think of when you think of a state Senator from Ohio.
Serge: {INCREDULOUS} Literal WEEKS went by?!? How did his FRIENDS not give it away?! How was there not a "high-five" or a giggle from the crowd when, like, a kid you're friends with steps up on stage and gives a speech on behalf of the government?!
Graham: That's kind of what he said; his response was: "They could've Googled me."
Serge: Maybe he went to a DIFFERENT high school? And THAT'S how you pull it off? But I don't understand how NOBODY recognized this kid as NOT a politician. I don't get it!
Graham: This wasn't even this guy's school. He found out that the REAL Senator would be giving a talk at the school, phoned ahead of time, said that the Senator was fallen ill and that HE was going to be taking over for him as {FINGER QUOTES} "the youngest Senator ever"...and showed up and gave a talk on being active in the political process and why that was important. And no one cottoned-on 'cause they were, like, "Yeah, this guy seems to know what he's talking about. Good for him."
Cameron: I felt like a hero in school when I put vodka in a Slurpee! Can they get this kid a statue?!
Serge: Wait, is this kid actually being CHARGED for something? I mean, honestly, how much damage can an, an Ohio state Senator even do?
Graham: Yeah, he's being charged with, uh, "telecommunications fraud" and "impersonating a peace officer" because, apparently, a Senator counts as an "Officer of the Peace".
Cameron: "Telecommunications fraud"? That's some desperate prosecution right there. Way to go, "Elliot Ness"; you're really bringing in Al Capone on tax evasion there.
Graham: A woman from Denver, Pennsylvania has been accused of skipping out on a $600 taxi fare after riding a cab home...from New York City!
Cameron: At, like, a 250-kilometer trip, $600 isn't even terrible.
Serge: That's cold as ice! With all that time spent together, they've gotta been at LEAST friends, if not "besties".
Cameron: Oh, c'mon, Serge. NO one talks to a cabbie.
Serge: I'm just trying to picture the mental state of the cab driver who's invested almost their entire day to this one fare...probably MORE than their day because they have to drive back now, just watching the runaway..."No..."
Cameron: What do you mean "just WATCH them"? You flick on your windshield wipers and floor it!
Graham: See, that's the FUNNY part 'cause he took her to her house and she said, "I'll get the money; I'll be back in just a few minutes"...and then just didn't come back outside again!
Cameron: I mean, the cabbie's already three hours into this fare. It's not like he's NOT going to wait around until the cops show up.
Serge: I'm just imagining this lady's face when she, like, looks out the blinds. Like, {PRETENDS TO OPEN BLINDS} "He's still THERE!" {CLOSES BLINDS...THEN OPENS THEM AGAIN} "NO!!" {CLOSES THEM AGAIN}
Cameron: I have to know the circumstances in which you call a cab for an inter-city trip. Like, you have to sober up SOMEwhere in that journey and think, "Well, this is a decision I made..."
Graham: I think that's the most likely scenario. Just, part-way through, she realized, "I'm in this too deep now. Now I can't get out of it. I just have to run inside and hope he goes away."
Serge: Yeah, it's a little late to be, like, "Oh, I actually got my address wrong. It's...the one next...aw, I'm so screwed."
Cameron: Come on! You had three hours and that's your plan?! It's not like he's a Jehovah's Witness!
Graham: A North Carolina man was pulled over for a burnt-out tail light and, when the officer ran his plates, realized there was an outstanding arrest warrant for the man for failing to return a rental VHS tape from 14 years ago.
Cameron: Well, that's some "Red Dwarf"-tier larceny.
Serge: I'm just trying to follow the paper trail here. So it's, like, {COUNTS ON FINGERS} Blockbuster calls the cops, cops put it on the paper (this is before the Internet), they upload the paper onto the Internet and then it gets to here?! That's amazing! That is some due diligence on the behalf of this poor minimum-wage video employee.
Cameron: Was this at least a movie with two tapes? Like a "Braveheart" or a "Titanic"? Or, wait,...was this the guy who didn't return the third tape in "Gundam"?
Graham: No. {SIGHS} I don't know what's gonna be more embarrassing for this guy: that he has an outstanding arrest warrant 14 years old for not returning a VHS tape...or that that tape was "Freddy Got Fingered"?
Cameron: {GROANS IN DISGUST...THEN REALIZES...} Wait, that movie's 14 years old?!
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah, man. 2001, when Tom Green was relevant.
Cameron: 2001 was 14 years ago?!?
Graham: {PUTTING HIS HAND ON CAMERON'S SHOULDER BUT TALKING OFF-SCREEN} I'm sorry. {REMOVES HAND}
Cameron: {DEPRESSED} I'm going to die soon...
Serge: I don't get it. How do you get an overdue charge on a movie that nobody's ever rented?
Cameron: Did...did he just LIKE "Freddy Got Fingered" so much that he...he KEPT it? Or was he so ANGRY with it that he snapped the tape in two and threw it away?!
Graham: Because - no joke - "Freddy Got Fingered" is the only movie I have ever walked out of (the scene where he's spraying Rip Torn with elephant jizz), I choose to believe that it went into a wood chipper.
Cameron: But what if it didn't? {SCENE GETS SEPIA-TONED AS A WESTERN HARMONICA STARTS TO PLAY} What if he LIKED it? Are we SAFE with this man in prison?
Serge: I just like the idea of a movie so bad, you have to go "Fargo" on it.
Graham: {OFF-SCREEN, TALKING IN RURAL MIDWESTERN ACCENT} Oh, "Fargo". Now THERE's a good movie. {SERGE IS ON THE VERGE OF BREAKING}
{ON-CAMERA} Unsurprisingly, the plaintiff - J & J Video - is no longer in business. And the arrest warrant is signed-on by the magistrate because, apparently, there's no statute of limitations on this.
Cameron: There's no statute of limitations on bad taste. "Freddy Got Fingered" happened and it happened to ALL of us.
Graham: The police DID allow him the dignity of not arresting him at the traffic stop and trusting that he would go voluntarily to the police station later in the day to be served the warrant. {READS FROM iPHONE} At which point...they took him in handcuffs to the courthouse. In HANDCUFFS!
Cameron: In the biopic of this man's life, this scene will play over a montage with Elliot Smith's "Needle In the Hay" {"NEEDLE IN THE HAY" STARTS TO PLAY IN BACKGROUND} as the camera shifts back and forth between him loading "Freddy Got Fingered" into the VCR and slipping a gun into his mouth.
Graham: {LOOKING AT CAMERON} Now I kinda wanna see the last ten minutes of this movie. I don't, really,...but "kinda"? Ehhhhh, until next time, there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{DONS A GREY TOQUE WITH "FEED DUMP" AND THE LRR LOGO ON IT IN PINK}...because THIS hat was made for us by Maura and, uh,...you see "FEED DUMP" and we got the "LoadingReadyRun" logo on here? It's very on-brand which I appreciate...immensely! So, thank you, and...where...hang on...let me know when the words "FEED DUMP" are centered. Yes, THERE we go. Wait...ooo, actually,...{PUTS TOQUE BRIM OVER HIS EYES AND GLASSES}...my eyes are so warm!
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Graham: I don't know what this guy's gonna find more embarrassing: that he has a 14-year-old awwest...{TALKS LIKE A BABY} awwest wawwant...he has an awwest wawwant...a wawwant out for his awwest.
