Stowaway Pocket Calculator Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Stowaway Pocket Calculator

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Lunch Dump. {HOLDS UP HALF-EATEN SANDWICH) I'm a salmon salad sandwich. Joining me this week is a man-wich,

Paul: Ladies... Put me between two slices of bread.

Graham: {HOLDING HALF-EATEN SANDWICH) and a hero.

Cam: I'm packed with capers.

Graham: {HOLDING HALF-EATEN SANDWICH) And we're delicious.

{TITLE: DELICIOUS HUMAN SANDWICHES! BY MEN! FOR MEN! (SUBTITLE: AND FILLED WITH MEN?)}

Graham: If you're fired from an airline for reasons ungiven-

Cam: Typically something penis-related.

Graham: -Then why not do like Patrick Cau allegedly did and call in a series of bomb threats to that airline from various payphones? That seems like a great way to get you back in their good graces.

Cam: I can appreciate that. I mean... you've already lost your job. Might as well go all in and lose absolutely everything.

Paul: I don't think you should be able to just call in a bomb threat. Like, I feel like if you wanna call in a bomb threat, they should then like forward you to the bomb squad and they like quiz you on like, what kind of a bomb it- just like ensure that you are somebody who has the knowledge to create a bomb first. Like just being able to phone up and be like "yeah, there's a bomb." {SHRUGS} Just seems like not enough work.

Graham: Presumably one of the reasons he was so difficult to track down, is that after he stopped working at United, he started working at American Airlines and was able to call in these bomb threats, eight in total, from various payphones in cities all over the US. He was then fired from American Airlines because he showed up on a no-fly list. {BEAT} Can't imagine why.

Paul: Alright, we'll let those bomb threats slide, but buddy, you just tried to take two pieces of carry-on luggage onto the plane, and that will not stand!

Cam: Honestly, somebody takes two pieces of carry-on luggage on a plane, they're lucky to just get fired and not get beaten to death in the aisle.

Paul: Actually I bet they caught him because he was the only person in like ten years to go somewhere and try to get change for a payphone.

Cam: There's like seven payphones left on Planet Earth right now, and I think they're all in Mogadishu. A payphone? Really? I haven't seen a payphone in years!

I think you're more likely to find a TARDIS!

Graham: Speaking of planes, a Nigerian teenager survived a half-hour flight from Benin to Lagos by hiding in the wheel compartment of the landing gear.

Cam: As demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1985 film Commando.

Paul: I feel like this is probably a situation of like overlapping areas of responsibility. There's like a section of airport security that's in charge of the people getting on the plane and a section that's in charge of all the luggage making sure that it's all safe. And everyone was like "you guys handle the wheels, right? No no, I, I thought you guys handled the wheels."

Graham: I think the problem that you have is that there's the security that handles the people that get on the plane, and there's the people that handles the luggage that goes under it. But... the people who are handling the luggage are like "oh, that's a person. Not my department." {HOLDS UP HANDS}

Cam: Wait a second. This kid gets a free flight in the wheel well and I get put on the no-flight list when I tried to check a teenager in my baggage?

Graham: He was able to survive the thin air and the freezing temperatures because it was such a short flight and the plane only went up to 21,000 feet so, snuck through.

Paul: Yes, kids, remember: next time you hide out in the wheel well of a plane, which you should definitely do, {SUBTITLE: DO NOT HIDE IN THE WHEEL WELL OF A PLANE} always bring your parka.

Cam: Otherwise you'll freeze to the landing gear and shatter like the T-1000.

Graham: One of four known 17th century pocket calculators is up for auction at Christie's, pocket, in this case, meaning six inches by thirteen inches.

Cam: Massive-pocketed mathematicians stalking the Earth like titans!

Paul: I like that the definition of pocket size has actually come back around with you know all the new uh phones and tablets that pocket size being six by thirteen is actually pretty average now.

Cam: It gets six more frames per second playing Doom than the Antikythera mechanism.

Paul: So calculator used to mean, just a person who calculates, their job would be calculator. So when I first heard the story, I thought it was just {HOLDS HANDS UP TO SHOW VERTICAL SIZE} a very small person that you carried around, in order to do all your calculations for you.

Cam: Calculator, from the old English, logarithm bitch.

Graham: The Feed Dump newsroom previously reported on the story of Tiny the giant cat from Fredrickton, Nova Sco- Nora Brunswick. Nova Brunswick. {OFF SCREEN LAUGHING} New Scotia. Nova Prince Edward Scotia and Labrador.

The Feed Dump newsroom previously reported on the story of Tiny the giant cat at the SPCA at Fredrickton. Well, now Moncton introduces Michelin, a cat of a staggering 32 pounds.

Paul: {LOOKS TO HIS LEFT THEN HIS RIGHT} We have a newsroom?!

So the question is, is this cat really fat or is it just really big?

Cam: {LOOKS UP FROM IPHONE} Yes.

You know how when a fat cat just stands and spreads out a little bit? This cat would just kind of like pool outwards, like uh, like a glass with a very high viscosity. It's just, it doesn't even have skin, it just has a very high surface tension.

Paul: So what you're saying is this is just basically a fluid held together by a matrix of cat hair.

Cam: I would actually qualified Michelin as an amorphous solid.

Graham: So I guess we're calling him a non-Mewtonian cat. Yeah. Until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but {TRIES TO PUTS ON BROWN FAILSWORTH CAP} they don't have this hat, which doesn't exactly fit me that well. But {TAKES OFF FAILSWORTH CAP} what more could be expected from {HOLDS UP BRIM OF HAT} Failsworth headwear? Failsworth! As far as I'm concerned, this fits perfectly. {PUTS FAILSWORTH CAP ON SIDEWAYS} {NODS}

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Graham: Even Grillay's pocket system was not perfect. You did still have to physically carry the tens.

Cam: Whoa, carrying tens actually literally c- oh dear, no! {HOLDS HEAD IN HANDS} It's an arbitrary construct! It's use- Like, we're getting into some deep epistemological shit here, I don't really feel comfortable with this.