Terrorist Salad Bar Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Terrorist Salad Bar

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where you get three guesses. I'm the Riddler, joining me this week is The Puzzler,

Paul: Puzzle me this, Batman! ...no, that does not work.

Graham: And the Cluemaster.

James: Really? The fucking Cluemaster?

Graham: You get the name you get, and you like it! We need to go looking for clues.

{TITLE: WE NEED TO GO LOOKING FOR CLUES/NEWS}

Graham: In Wisconson, a man was arrested whose actual Legal Name is Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.

Paul: He comes from the New England Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. I'm guessing his wife's gonna wanna keep her maiden name.

James: But if they hyphenate for the kids, then their names are gonna be like, "Jason Zopittybop-Bop-Bop-Smith." That seems worse.

Graham: It's unfortunate first name to have during a pretend laser gun fight.

{WEARING RED BASEBALL CAP BACKWARDS, HOLDING "LASER GUN"} Beezow! Beezow! No, not- I'm trying t- not you, I'm trying to laser fight.

Graham: The article says he's been tentatively charged with carrying a concealed weapon, possession of drug paraphernalia and possession of marijuana. I like that they're tentatively charging him, as if they're a little, just a little concerned with getting too close.

Well, we'll just charge you, just a bit. Just a little.

His name used to be Jeffrey Drew Wilschke, and he only changed it October.

Paul: How do you go thirty years and then decide to change your name from Geoffry to Beezow?!

James: He needed thirty years to perfect it!

Paul: My theory is that he actually wanted to change his name to Brian, but as he was saying Brian, he got tazered! And so its "BlahgeBZOOOWWW ZIPIPITYBOZOP ZOP ZOP"

Graham: In a successful attempt to game the salad bar at Beijing Pizza Huts, a gentleman from China has figured out a way to build a one meter tall bowl of salad.

OK, so you start with a base of chickpeas or potatoes, then make scaffolding of carrot sticks, make an outer wall of sliced cucumber, and then you have a hollow tower to fill with salad.

Beijin Pizza Huts have since removed their salad bars.

Paul: They didn't need to remove the entire salad bar, they just had to take out all the carrots. Then this thing would have no scaffolding and would just fall apart.

James: Alright, so that's all well and good, but how does one eat a meter tall thing of salad?

Paul: {WEARING RED BASEBALL CAP} {CRANES NECK UP, TRIES TO EAT FROM TOP OF IMAGINARY SALAD} {PULLS A PIECE OFF THE TOP} {EATS IT} Yeah, I'm done. Can I have this to go?

James: I'm curious how the dressing is applied in this situation. Do you just pour it like, fill the bowl up? Do you do the volcano effect and just like, fill the inside up, until it explodes? Or do you just put the entire bottle of dressing, unopened, inside, for later?

Paul: He wasn't trying to game Pizza Hut, he was just on a diet, and was only allowed to have one salad for dinner.

Graham: The TSA is defending its position to confiscate a cupcake after determining that the icing counts as a gel.

Paul: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES, HOLDING SMALL FOOD CONTAINER} I'm sorry sir, this cupcake is dangerously delicious. I'm gonna have to confiscate it. {CLOSES CONTAINER, TURNS AWAY, OPENS IT, EATS CUPCAKE}

Paul: Now initially this seems ridiculous, but if you've seen some of those really fancy cupcakes, with like, a foot of icing on top, you could easily hide a gun in there.

I can see how a cupcake could be dangerous on a plane. I mean, you offer it to the pilot at the wrong time, and he's like, "ooh!" and then the plane is just PTTTHHHBBBTT! {MIMES CRASH}

You notice they don't actually serve cupcakes on a plane. They have to keep the deliciousness below a certain level.

James: So that's why, like, shit on planes, because stupid pilots can't keep their cravings in check?

Paul: What better way to encourage the pilots to get to their destination as quickly as possible than offer them only crappy in-flight food? Why do you think there's a Cinnabon in every airport?

Graham: Hey gadget fans! There's a new bathroom scale that is wifi enabled so that it can automatically update your weight to twitter and facebook.

James: It's worth noting here that a scale has been on the market that does exactly the same thing for the last two years.

Paul: So you mean a scale that tweets your weight was so popular that there's actually competitors now?

James: I don't get it either.

Paul: Nothing says unsubscribe right now than daily updates on somebody's weight. Is that really something everybody wants to see?

Graham: Now, I know that the idea is to help with motivation, but the thought that my twitter followers can have intimate knowledge of anything that I do in the bathroom first thing in the morning is just a little sort of... creepy boundaries private time.

James: OK, no no no, here's what you do: you get up, you weigh yourself, then you poop, then you weigh yourself again, and it's a game to figure out who's gonna figure out why you're doing this first.

Paul: {LOOKS AT IPHONE} Oh, James has weighed himself again. That's weird. Why would he do five minutes between... oh and he's a little lighter now. Wh- how would he be five minutes... OH! UGH! Oh what did he eat?!

Graham: I would completely just troll my followers, I'd be like, one day I'd just sort of like, put some pressure on with one foot, and the next day I'd hold the cat, and then the day after that I'd just stand on it normally, and then the day after that I'd like carry a chair in. I think it'd be fun.

Ooh! Wait. Speaking of the cat, what happens if the cat just walks on it? Suddenly I weigh 12 pounds.

Because we're Canadian, and it's not just other countries that do stupid things, it's time for a new segment we're calling LOL Canada.

{TITLE: LOL CANADA! (Paul: Our Home- oh.)}

Graham: A floating barrier in Halifax harbour designed to block terrorist attacks had to be dismantled because it was being weighed down by mussels.

Paul: Yeah, yeah, I can sympathize. I myself am often dragged down by too many muscles. A big problem.

James: No, you fools! The mussels ARE the terrorists!

Paul: Hey, I've been doing my part, eating them in delicious white wine sauce.

{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL ON THE SOFA, JAMES IS WEARING A POLICE OFFICER HAT, PAUL IS WEARING A SAILOR CAP}

Paul: {WEARING SAILOR CAP} Uh, sir, don't you think our new slogan, "do your part, eat a terrorist today!" might be a little extreme?

James: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Pthbt! Poppycock, son! Obviously that couldn't be misconstrued! We're obviously talking about terrorist mussels.

Graham: The floating fence is meant to stop potential attacks from small boats carrying explosives, although if a small boat carrying explosives got that close to the naval ships, someone could just get out, hop the fence, and swim.

Paul: For that matter, what about a scuba diver with explosives? Possibly one who infiltrated the team trying to clean the mussels off the barricade in the first place!

Paul: {WEARING DIVING MASK AND SNORKLE} {MAKES NOISES; INDECIPHERABLE DUE TO THE FACT THAT THERE'S A SNORKLE IN HIS MOUTH} Huf! Huf! HUUUGH!

{PAN TO JAMES}

James: Sorry, what?

{PAN BACK TO PAUL}

Paul: {WEARING DIVING MASK AND SNORKLE, TAKES SNORKLE OUT OF MOUTH} First Halifax, then the world!

{PAN BACK TO JAMES}

James: I don't think that's how that works.

{PAN BACK TO PAUL}

Paul: {WEARING DIVING MASK AND SNORKLE} OK maybe there's a few intermediate steps.

Graham: Speaking of fighting terrorists, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON CIA OPERATION CENTER BASEBALL CAP} this hat, which they wouldn't have unless they were in the CIA Operations Center where this hat is from.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING CIA OPERATION CENTER BASEBALL CAP} OK, so this is actually a CIA Operations Center hat, but it only says "Operations Center" 'cause... CIA is not gonna put it on their own hats. Uh, according to the person who gave it to us, this hat was, though not being worn, present in the Operations Center when they took down Bin Laden. Apparently it was like, down fallen behind a desk, somewhere. But it was in the room! So that's fun, I guess? HATS! {POINTS AT HAT}