The Good Judge, Duck and Puma Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- The Good Judge, Duck and Puma

{FEED DUMP TITLES]

Graham: {HAND FLOURISH} Welcome to Feed Dump, where team pasta's comin' atcha. I am cannelloni, joining me this week is pre-cooked lasagna noodles,

Kathleen: Don't get your hopes up, kids, dinner's still gonna be like, an hour and a half.

Graham: And spaghettini.

Paul: I'm for people who look at spaghetti and go, "that is too thick!"

Graham: Unfortunately our pesto-cream sauce went weird and it all turned chartreuse.

{TITLE: OUR PESTO-CREAM SAUCE WENT WEIRD AND NOW ITS CHARTREUSE/NEWS (SUBTITLE: HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN? CHEF RAMSEY IS /PISSED/!)}

Graham: Security screeners at a Honolulu courthouse were surprised when they noticed something moving inside the defendant’s bag as they passed through the x-ray scanner. It was... a duck.

Kathleen: Okay, I've heard the phrase "you lucky duck," but as far as I know, actually bringing a duck somewhere does not increase your chances of being found not guilty.

Paul: Alright, well maybe it's an intimidation tactic. Like, he'll be at the defendant’s table, and just take out the duck when there's a witness that he wants to intimidate, the witness will be sitting there, and he'll just go {LIFTS IMAGINARY DUCK OUT OF BAG, PUTS IT NEXT TO HIM, POUTS, POINTS AT CAMERA, POINTS AT IMAGINARY DUCK NEXT TO HIM}

Kathleen: Maybe the prosecution's witness was another duck. Maybe he was trying to sneak in some kind of duck enforcer.

Graham: After the duck was refused entry, the defendant said, alright, how about you guys hold onto it while I go inside, adding that the sign did say visitors were allowed to leave their belongings there at their own risk. So the... the duck waited outside.

Paul: Oh, I see, maybe he just couldn't find a duck sitter.

Kathleen: No, Paul, like, that's ridiculous even by Feed Dump standards. If you have a duck, why do you need a duck sitter?

Paul: Because a dog sitter would probably do a really crappy job?

Graham: Worth mentioning: the duck was his pet.

Paul: HA! See? You can have a duck as a pet.

Kathleen: Well, Feed Dump viewers, I guess I have to downgrade this story from ridiculous, to mearly riDUCKulous.

Graham: Speaking of interesting pets, a Lithuanian woman is currently sharing her apartment with three puma cubs.

Kathleen: Okay, I think wild animals belong in the wild, because as adorable as things like tigers are, they're probably not terribly happy being in like, some acreage in Arkansas, when they could be in the jungle killing people as they'd prefer. But... {HANDS ON FACE} {WHISPERS EXCITEDLY} PUMAS!!!

Paul: How big is this apartment? 'Cause I could see that being a real problem in the near future. Pumas can get big!

Kathleen: I'm pretty sure pumas are just like, bobcat-sized.

Paul: Eh, I thought they were more like cougar-sized.

Kathleen: Well, how big is a cougar?

Graham: Usually between five six and five nine, depending on how high their heels are.

Paul: {LOOKING AT IPHONE} Hey, wait a minute here. It says that a cougar IS a puma. Which is also a mountain lion, which is also a panther.

Kathleen: Did Steve Jobs know that they were naming their operating system after the same cat again and again?

Graham: The woman, who is a volunteer at the local zoo, was worried for the cubs when their mother started neglecting them. So she took the three of them home to her apartment to raise. The zoo didn't object, and there's no laws governing this, so... {SHRUGS} puma party.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. KATHLEEN WEARS THE LION EARFLAP HAT. BOTH ARE DANCING}

Paul and Kathleen: {TOGETHER, SINGING} Ain't no party like a puma party! Everyone's got flesh wounds!

Graham: A judge from Michigan whose cell phone went off during trial held himself in contempt of court and paid the twenty-five dollar fine.

Kathleen: {WEARING LONG WHITE JUDGE WIG} {ANSWERS IPHONE} Hello? Yes. I am the law. But, it's a REAL bad time right now.

Paul: I really hope that his cell phone had a goofy ring tone. Like, the crazy frog one, or one of those stupid ring tones and so everyone had to like, stop and listen to him and he was like, "that's me."

Kathleen: {WEARING LONG WHITE JUDGE WIG} And furthermore, I would like to remind the defendant to respect the court and the institut- {PHONE GOES OFF IN THE BACKGROUND, PLAYS PSY'S "GENTLEMAN"} {KATHLEEN LOOKS DISMAYED, LOOKS AT HER IPHONE, EMBARASSED} Yeah, that's me. {STARTS DANCING} I'll answer in just a sec, it's just so good. {DANCES AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES TO PLAY}

Graham: A woman from Gerard, Pennsylvania has been cited with disorderly conduct after calling 911 for a divorce.

Kathleen: I'm not sure which is worse: the people who call 911 because they want a pizza and they're stoned and dumb, or the people who call 911 looking for some sort of dramatic life change. Then again, getting arrested for harassing the police and misusing resources like that is a dramatic life change.

Paul: So this could make perfect sense if she was married to a 911 operator.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. PAUL IS SPEAKING INTO A BLACK PHONE HANDSET. KATHLEEN IS SPEAKING INTO HER IPHONE}

Paul: {SPEAKING INTO BLACK PHONE HANDSET} 911, what is your emergency?

Kathleen: {SPEAKING INTO IPHONE} You know too well what the emergency is Harold, it's my biological clock, it's ticking like a timebomb!!!

Paul: {SPEAKING INTO BLACK PHONE HANDSET} 'kay, I'm at work right now, let's not talk about this, also, do not make bomb threats.

Kathleen: {SPEAKING INTO IPHONE} This is not a threat, mister! I a guarantee you I will get biblical on your ass.

Paul: {SPEAKING INTO BLACK PHONE HANDSET} {SIGHS} Alright, we will talk about this when I get home.

Kathleen: {SPEAKING INTO IPHONE} No we won't, because {SCREAMING} I'LL BE GONE.

Graham: As much as I hate to disturb this rich narrative, she also asked the police to come and remove her husband from the property, which they said they would not do as he had not committed a crime.

Paul: {SPEAKING INTO BLACK PHONE HANDSET} 911, what is your emergency?

Kathleen: {SPEAKING INTO IPHONE} I need police assistance, I need the police to come and make sure that my husband CAN'T GET BACK INTO THE HOUSE WHEN HE GETS HOME FROM WORK.

Paul: {SPEAKING INTO BLACK PHONE HANDSET} Sharon, this is still me.

Kathleen: {SPEAKING INTO IPHONE} And you are still a douchebag Harold!

Graham: I guess the takeaway from this is don't call 911 unless it's an emergency! An emergency like... having your mind blown by an amazing hat! So until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON GIANT BROWN TURKEY HAT} this hat. Which is a turkey! Gobble gobble! {BOBS HEAD} Don't... call 911 because of this hat, though. We don't want to get in trouble.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING GIANT BROWN TURKEY HAT} {SMILING GOOFILY, HOLDS LEGS OF THE HAT, SWINGS HEAD SIDE TO SIDE SO THE TURKEY'S LONG NECK AND HEAD SWING BACK AND FORTH WILDLY} {STOPS} Turkey hat.