The Marijuana Episode Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- The Marijuana Episode
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where the reception is a little spotty. I'm an iPhone 5, joining me this week is an iPhone 4-
Kate: I'm like an iPhone 5, except I'm older... and I'm fatter.
Graham: And a Nokia bar phone.
Alex: I'm INDESTRUCTABLE!!!
Graham: and we're about to run out of daytime minutes.
{TITLE: WE'RE ABOUT TO RUN OUT OF DAYTIME MINUTES/HIDDEN FEES! (SUBTITLE: NOW MY BILL IS GOING TO BE LIKE, A MILLION DOLLARS)}
Graham: Do you have too much meat and your fridge just isn't big enough? Is your meat roughly man-sized? Roughly four man-sized? Well, the New York office of public services is selling a former morgue fridge on eBay.
Alex: Hey Mom I'm gonna get some Hot PockeeeEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHHHHHH!!! {SCREAMS}
Kate: I actually used to work in a toy shop which was a converted morgue to toy shop. And we used {CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY} the crypts to store toys in which was very strange.
Alex: {TO KATE} NO! You made that up!
Kate: {OFFSCREEN} I didn't make it up!
Alex: {TO KATE} You are lying on Feed Dump!
{CAMERA PANS TO KATE}
Kate: {TO ALEX} I'm not lying! It was legit! Children's toys in crypts. {MAKES THE MOTION TO PULL OUT A MORGUE DRAWER}
Alex: {HANDS ON FACE} SO... DARK....
Kate: And in a pinch, it can act as a bomb shelter for your family of four!
Alex: Your... dead family of four?
Kate: Or! Or! Or! Like three hundred hot pockets.
Graham: Security at a Russian prison thinks that inmates might have been smuggling cell phones in and out when they discovered a cat with cell phones taped to its belly.
Kate: Aha! I love it when cats are useful!
Alex: Were they also smuggling computer components like... CAT5 cable?
Kate: Actually Alex, I believe you need FIVE cats to transport CAT5.
Graham: I suspect the cat was actually a kitty drug dealer. And it's, you know, that was all his different pagers and cell phones, he's like "Yo! Yo wassup, yeah I got nip. You want nip, I got nip."
Kate: Aww man, gettin' so potted up on them dank nips!
Alex: Come on everybody, let's smoke some cats.
Graham: Things a high cat would say.
Kate: {IN STONER VOICE} Yo man... have you had this kibble? There's a meaty center!!!
Graham: {IN STONER VOICE} But have you ever thought about, like... where the poop GOES?!
Alex: {IN STONER VOICE} Naw dog, it's like... this ball of tin foil's like the whole world!
Kate: {IN STONER VOICE} Yo dog... I'm a cat... dog.
Graham: {IN STONER VOICE} You ever get the feeling that, like... there's something CONTROLLING the red dot? Think about it!
{SHOT OF KATE AND ALEX ON THE SOFA, THEIR HANDS UP LIKE PAWS}
Kate and Alex: Whoaaaaaa.
{KATE PAWS AT HER FACE}
{SHOT OF ALEX}
Alex: Nip: not even once.
Graham: MEANWHILE, in the human world of drugs, a man in California is VERY confused after received a FedEx package addressed to him at his address that he did not order containing eleven pounds of marijuana.
Kate: DAMNIT! How does a male in California have my exact name and my EXACT address! I paid good money for that.
Alex: Obviously this was meant to be distributed, but I just like thinking of the size of reefer you could make with all of that.
{TITLE: IT'S A BIG PILE OF WEED. WHAT WOULD YOU DO... WITH... IT? (Kate: IT?) (Alex: I'm so high...)}
Alex: Make one of those leaf roofs, like they have in Myanmar.
Graham: You're going to thatch your house in doobers?
Kate: I would straight up just get potted up on the hootie mac.
Graham: Well there's eleven pounds of it, you could split it into two piles and do like, five pound bicep curls. {MIMES CURLING WEIGHTS}
Alex: I think the ten-pound deadlift with the one pound spliff in your mouth is the way to go.
Kate: Can stuff a neck pillow with it. It's like one of those buckwheat pillows that you heat up in the microwa- oh that's not going to work at all.
Alex: I slept on this weed pillow and my neck hurts, but my glaucoma's all gone.
Graham: You could just put it in a little pot and burn it, to get rid of the smell of all that incense.
You California hippies.
Alex: Chain gain doobs!
Kate: But in all seriousness, I would turn it into the police. So the Hell's Angels didn't kill me.
Graham: I think we're gonna... roll things up there. But before anyone says it, the humour on Feed Dump is brought to you completely without Marijuana, because if you hang out with someone who's high, you'll know: they think they're way funnier than they actually are. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON REVERSIBLE GREEN AND RED CANNABIS BUCKET HAT} this hat, which is not the most subtle BUT if you want to be a little more stealth about it, {TAKES OFF HAT, FLIPS IT INSIDE OUT} it is reversible. {PUTS IT BACK ON; IT IS NOW RED WITH ONE GREEN CANNABIS LEAF ON IT} Yeah! Now no one will know that you like to get all doobed up.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kate: It was his cat! It was totally his cat who bought it. But FedEx wouldn't deliver to Sir Corporate... Hon- huh...
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Corporal.
Kate: Corporal?
Alex: {OFFSCREEN} Corporal... hungrywhistles
Kate: Sir Corporal?
But FedEx wouldn't deliver to Sir Corporal Honeywhiskers.
But FedEx wouldn't deliver to Sir... Honey...
But FedEx wouldn't deliver to Sir Corporal Honeywhiskers. {BEAT} Hungrywhiskers. FUCK GODDAMNIT!!!
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} It's... it's fine.
Alex: {OFFSCREEN} It'll do. Honeywhiskers.
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} We can use like, all of your failures as the stinger.
Alex: {OFFSCREEN} I like Honeywhiskers.
Kate: Nooooooo...
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} It's fine.
Kate: OK.
