The Spirit of Creaster Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- The Spirit of Creaster

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump! Where it is time for discount Easter candy! I am a hollow chocolate egg with nothing inside. Joining me this week is stale marshmallow Peeps,

Kathleen: Soaring past my expiry date has somehow made me more palatable!

Graham: and a Lindt bunny.

Maya: {MAKING CUTE BUNNY HANDS} Don't eat me! I'm adorable!

Graham: And we've realized that if you cloned the president of Penny Arcade, you would end up with two Robert Khoos.

{TITLE: CLONE THE PRESIDENT OF PENNY ARCADE AND YOU'LL HAVE TWO ROBERT KHOOS/NEWS (THEY WOULD BE SO EFFICIENT!!}

Graham: The best products are ones that solve a problem. So if you are {COUNTING ON HIS FINGERS} an observant Jew, living in Israel, during passover, and you want a smoke, Kosher cigarettes are now available.

Maya: Oh shit! What wasn't Kosher about cigarettes?!

Kathleen: Finally! Piece of mind that these cigarettes have not been rolled in, about, or inside a pig.

Maya: It's not just about pigs, Kathleen.

Graham: There's nothing necessarily that's changed about the cigarettes, but this is the first time that a private Rabbinic group has said these three different brands of cigarettes definitely haven't come in contact with any of the stuff that you're not allowed to have it come in contact with HOWEVER! {READS} The chief Rabbinate in Israel is quoted as saying "poison is never Kosher."

Maya: But then you're missing out on the best kind of cigarette: the ones with yeast. It makes the cigarette rise.

Kathleen: {HOLDING CIGARETTE UP TO MOUTH, POSING} {IN FASHIONABLE VOICE} I smoke Belmonts with Yeast! They're light and airy, like me!

Graham: A family from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia received an unpleasant anonymous letter complaining about their Easter decorations. {CLEARS THROAT} {READS FROM YELLOW-CASED IPAD} "Dear Homeowners. Before Easter comes, the community asks that you do not demoralize our subdivision and street with yet again your very tacky decorations. Halloween and Christmas was enough. Perhaps you should consider that this area is a step above you."

{SHOT OF MAYA AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH. MAYA IS HOLDING HER HANDS TO HER FACE. KATHLEEN IS LAUGHING}

Maya: OH SNAP!

{SHOT OF MAYA}

Maya: They had a town meeting without these people! They somehow organized, like I guess they handed out f-knocked on everybody's door, and were like, "secret meeting at 8 PM in the town hall without them!!!" And then at this town meeting, all came to the same agreement that it just needs to be stopped. They have to be stopped, this is outrageous. I love that idea. I love the idea.

{PANS TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: {SHAKES FIST, SLOW CRECENDO} The tyranny of their blinky icicle lights will dominate us NO MORE!!!

Maya: Easter decorations? Mean, how much did you- I don't even know! I don't even know where you start with decorating your house for Easter. Did they just paint it like a giant egg?

Kathleen: Easter bunny, but anatomically correct to a man, bent over, having conjugal relations with Santa Claus, 'cause then you can reuse your previous decorations.

Maya: Two birds with one stone, you only need to buy one set...

{PANS TO KATHLEEN}

Maya: {OFFSCREEN} ...take it out twice a year.

Kathleen: No no, you just leave it out from like, {LAUGHS} December 'til April. {MAYA LAUGHS OFFSCREEN} It's perfect.

Maya: {LAUGHING} Conjugal relations?

{PANS TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: {LAUGHING} Well there could be children involved, you don't want to say the f-word.

If I owned this, I would leave it out for four months- I'd leave it out all year round, just to annoy my neighbors.

{PANS TO MAYA}

Maya: Creaster.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Creaster. Creaster: the most filthy of holidays.

Graham: At first the family thought, "jeez, maybe we shouldn't decorate for Easter this year," and then they thought, "no no, we will. And we'll be EXTRA tacky!"

Maya: If you think this neighbourhood is above us, we'll just need to take the average down severely.

I think I would probably make sure to take every single one of the {AIRQUOTES} tacky lawn ornaments or whatever I had and start placing them on neighbours' lawns.

Kathleen: It's not on your front lawn, it's like, turned so it's looking directly into the living room window {LAUGHS, MAYA LAUGHS OFFSCREEN} and you pull open the blinds, and it's just like AAACKAAAAHHHHH!

Maya: {MAKES HER HANDS INTO POINTED SHAPES, MAKES THEM TOUCH} The spirit of Creaster.

Graham: When reading through stories in the eponymous Feed, I often have to, you know, sort of, drill down and find out what the story is really about, but other times the headline is all you need. Headline: Justin Bieber's monkey quarantined in Germany.

Kathleen: Justin Bieber hasn't been around that long. I'm really impressed he's going full Michael Jackson.

Graham: Justin Bieber's monkey quarantined? That can't be the real story. Let's, let's, let's, let's keep reading. {HOLDS UP YELLOW-SHELLED IPAD} "The nineteen-year-old singer arrived in Munich airport last Thursday, and a customs spokesman said that when he went through customs he didn't have the documentation necessary to bring the Capuchin monkey with him into the country, so the animal had to stay with the authorities. {FROWNS, LOOKS UP AT CAMERA}

Maya: Does he serenade him? Oh please say he serenades him.

Kathleen: Aren't all Justin Bieber's songs about wanting to have sex with girls, though? Like, I, why would you want to sing that to a monkey? The monkey would probably be like, "that's inappropriate."

Maya: That poor monkey... he has to spend all of his time with Justin Bieber.

Kathleen: Hey! Being under quarantine means he's not hanging around with Justin Bieber. That's like a vacation! I bet there's other quarantined monkeys in there, and they're all like, hanging out and doing monkey stuff, like flingin' poop, eatin' bananas... making fun of Justin Bieber, I dunno, whatever monkeys do.

Graham: There are many things that you would expect Russia would not have a shortage of. Dashboard cameras, for example. But, the organizers of the next Winter Olympics, learning from the previous Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada, are making sure that they are prepared by storing four hundred and fifty thousand cubic feet of snow. Just in case.

Kathleen: Actually, Graham, I think it's time for a little something we call Kathleen's Political Fact of the Week.

{TITLE: Kathleen's Political FACT OF THE WEEK (Kathleen: WOO! Let's do that one more time)}

Kathleen: OK, this sounds ludicrous, 'cause Russia's cold and full of snow, but Sochi, the place where they're actually holding the winter Olympics, is, like, a resort town on the Black Sea, it is not a really cold place in Russia.

Maya: Where are they storing all this snow? Did they just take over an office space?

Pack your shit up guys! Time to go. We got some snow coming in.

Graham: The snow, which is being stored in seven different locations in the nearby mountains, will be covered with a giant {AIRQUOTES} "Thermo-seal." To protect it from melting.

Maya: Seven different locations? In case of what? Sabotage?

Is it arson if you burn down a pile of snow?

Kathleen: I don't know, but I know who can find out. Casey Fury.

Maya: This is perfect. This is how Casey Fury pays back his submarine damages.

It's a... reference to a previous Feed Dump. That I was in. Couple weeks ago.

Kathleen: I'm sure some kind of terrorist group would be willing to pay him to melt all of Sochi's snow and spoil fun forever. I don't know if they'd pay him four hundred million dollars for it, but I'll throw in like, eight bucks.

Maya: That Kickstarter's gonna have some weird stretch goals.

Kathleen: Every single reward is ruining the Olympics.

Graham: The Kickstarter story of how half the internet got arrested for terrorism. Until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON CRAB EARFLAP HAT} this hat. Which, uh... uh, I feel like I should have my hands covered in rubber bands so that I don't injure anyone. {MAKES CRAB HANDS} But. I'm human, and not a lobster. So,

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Or are you?

Graham: {WEARING CRAB EARFLAP HAT} Or am I? Uh oh.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF MAYA AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. MAYA IS WEARING BLACK BUNNY EARS. KATHLEEN IS WEARING A SANTA HAT}

Maya: {WEARING BLACK BUNNY EARS} {SHAKING HEAD} We're, we're not, we're not doing this.

Kathleen: {WEARING SANTA HAT} But if you want to personally, to your self, in a dark room, with no other people around, believe in the spirit of Creaster, I mean who are we to stop you? {LAUGHS}

Maya: {WEARING BLACK BUNNY EARS} We're not doing this.

Kathleen: {WEARING SANTA HAT} No.