The Writer's Room Transcript

Transcript for The Writers Room

Transcript

{Scene opens in an office with some religious themes on a chalkboard. Then the door opens and in storms Mark (Andy), followed by Matthew (Graham) and Luke (Paul).}

Mark: I can't believe this!

Matthew: Mark, calm down!

Mark: {sitting behind desk} I can't believe this!

Matthew: It's not that big of a deal.

Mark: This, isn't, even, our assignment! We're supposed to be ghost-writing his kid's autobiography.

Luke: I hate nepotism.

Mark: Amen to that.

Matthew: It's not that big of a speech. It'll take us half an hour, it's not like we're writing the 95 Theses.

Mark: I don't care if we're writing the Four Noble Truths. It's the principle, Matthew! Now, I don't mind if we're covering for some poor schmuck who has to go to Damascus for his second cousin's bar mitzvah, that's different; he'd do the same for me. But coming in on a Sunday to do a last minute rewrite on the Sinai speech is too much, Matthew, too much!

Luke: {getting between them} All right, just calm down, okay? It's starting to look like Sodom and Gomorrah in here.

Mark: I'm going back to freelancing. I- I swear, I'm going back to freelancing.

Luke: {Sarcastically} Oh ho ho, and what an illustrious career you had.

Mark: Shut up, Luke.

Luke: {Sarcastically} The critics were laying palm fronds at your feet.

Mark: Shut up, Luke!

Luke: {Sarcastically} The greatest work of literature this side of Genesis.

Mark: I'm warning you!

Matthew: What is this about?

Luke: The Book of Stan.

Matthew: {astonished} That was you?

Mark: Look, I just got off a weekend at the Dionysus Festival. You try writing with an ouzo hangover!

Luke: I think I could do better with 300 pages of glorified toilet paper.

Mark: {getting up from desk} Okay, you want to open up Pandora's Box, let's open up Pandora's Box!

Matthew: {holding Mark back} Mark, Mark, it's not worth it. Calm down.

Mark: You're going down like the walls of Jericho!

Harold: Whoa, friends, whoa.

{Matthew, Luke and Mark turn round and the camera moves to show Harold (Morgan) sitting with his feet on the desk.}

Harold: Let's slow down a little bit. We don't have to fight. Why don't we just take a moment and unline our chakras? We could all get together and sit in a circle and be together, you know? Just really, be together. Yeah...

{The others stare at Harold for a beat}

Mark: Who the fuck are you?

Matthew: We got him on loan from the Buddhists.

{Mark pulls on his suspenders then goes behind desk and bends down to look at Harold}

Mark: Hi.

Harold: Hey.

Mark: How ya doing?

Harold: I'm very well, how are you?

Mark: Good, I'm good. {takes a breath} Let me tell ya something. This is the Wrath of God school of writing. Save your namby-pamby hippy-dippy peace crap for the 1960's. What's your name anyway?

Harold: Harold.

Mark: Harold?

Harold: Yeah.

Mark: {in disbelief} Harold!? {Harold nods}How's that gonna look in the history books; Matthew, Mark, Luke and Harold!? {Harold shrugs} Oi vey! Let's just- let's just get back to work.

Luke: Get back to work? We haven't even started yet.

Mark: All right then, let's get started. Do I have to do everything?

Matthew: Alright, alright, calm down, I got his notes. {picks up pile of papers}

Luke: Alright, what's the bad news?

Mark: There's no bad news, remember? It's all Good News.

Luke: Is that a gospel joke? That's terrible!

Matthew: Ohhhh wow!

Mark: Wait, what "oh wow"?

Matthew: Well, he liked our comparative essay on morality, thought it had a lot of potential.

Mark: If he loved our potential, what's the "oh wow"?

Matthew: He wants it cut back to point form.

Mark: Point form?

Matthew: Yeah, an even ten.

Mark: An even ten!? He hires the best theological writers in the business and he wants an even ten point form!?

Luke: The ego on this guy! I mean, he's already creator of the universe, now he wants to be David Letterman?

Mark: {regaining composure} OK, okay fine yes good yes good yes fine good yes now good good good good! Great, we'll just write it, we'll get it done and then we'll go home. So, what can we salvage from the essay?

Matthew: Not a lot. Looks like we got "no killing", "no stealing", "no lying".

Luke: We need seven more? What else is there?

Mark: Sundays off.

Matthew: What?

Mark: You heard me. I want this down in writing. I don't want this kind of crap happening again. I want it written down, in ink, "Sundays off"!

Matthew: Alright, alright, you don't have to bite my head off.

Luke: Hey hey, how about that? "Thou shalt not bite people's heads off".

Matthew: Really think that's covered under the umbrella of "no killing".

Luke: Alright, alright. Okay, well, he'll want the "no god but me" thing in there, right?

Matthew: Oh yeah.

Mark: That's good. Yeah, we'll keep that and we'll add, uh, "no worshiping idols" and "no slandering his name"?

Matthew: Aren't those two sort of redundant?

Mark: He wants an even ten point form on a Sunday, he'll get what he gets.

Harold: My friends, I have an idea.

Luke: This should be interesting.

Mark: Yes, Harold. Grace us with your intellect.

Harold: Well, why doesn't everyone, you know, just be happy with what they have? Like, if I have a stash, and the guy next to me has a larger stash, I shouldn't let that harsh my mellow, because we're just gonna share it all anyway. Yeah!

{Matthew, Mark and Luke think it over and swap looks.}

Matthew: That's almost usable.

Harold: Same goes for chicks, man. Yeah!

Mark: {chuckles} Try to sell free love to my wife, I'll pay for your ride to the hospital.

Luke: {snaps fingers} Okay, okay! "No adultery" and "no coveting of possessions"!

Matthew: Alright.

Luke: Or chicks!

Matthew: {pauses} Coveting?

Luke: I just got a Word of the Day calender.

Matthew: Alright.

Luke: Alright, so that's nine. Alright, one more.

{Mark coughs, shakes his head, flexes his arms and makes tongue flapping noises to prepare himself.}

Mark: So, it's gotta be something that's gonna put the fear of God into them!

Harold: Yeah...

Matthew: How about... Okay, how about "Remember your mum's birthday"?

Luke: What?

Matthew: Three months ago, I forget my mum's birthday and only yesterday does she stop leaving me angry messages on my machine.

Mark: Matthew, that has got to be the pussiest thing I have ever heard in my life. Why don't you go sit with Nirvana Joe over there?

Harold: My name's Harold.

Mark: Oh shut up, putz!

Luke: You gotta better idea, Mark?

Mark: {concedes} Alright, put it in. "Thou shalt not forget thy mum's birthday".

Matthew: Okay, that's ten.

Mark: Good, let's go home. {snatches papers from Matthew and heads for the door} I'll drop it on his desk on the way out.

Matthew: You're sure? It's really rough. You don't want to polish it at all?

Mark: {scoffs} What are you kidding? It's not like it's written in stone!