Threats, Murders and KFC Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Threats, Murders and KFC

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where it's all reality, all the time! I am Kitchen Nightmares. Joining me this week is Shark Tank,

Erika: {PROVOKATIVELY} Lllllladies... ;D

Graham: ...and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Amy: Holla for a dollah! {POINTS AT THE SCREEN}

Graham: And we've just discovered: we're ALL the weakest link.

{TITLE: TURNS OUT WE'RE THE WEAKEST LINK/KICKED OFF! (SUBTITLE: A BRITISH LADY HURT MY FEELINGS)}

Graham: The prosecutor and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's sex trial has received many anonymous threats through the mail, including recently a letter that came complete with bullets.

Amy: Well he doesn't have anything to worry about. They've already given away all their bullets.

Erika: So I like to think that he gets this envelope that's all regular size, and, and then there's just like these six big fat lumps in the bottom, he's like {MIMES SHAKING AN ENVELOPE} "Hmm... what could this be?!"

Amy: I mean... maybe they just wanted them to take care of the bullets. Like, "hey guys, take care of our bullets for us, and send 'em back at this date and time... for reasons."

Graham: Receiving an envelope full of bullets seems... pretty terrible, but... I bet there could be something worse.

{TITLE: WHEN THINGS GET BAD YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF... WHAT COULD BE WORSE. (Graham: That was awful.)}

Erika: Like... getting a shark in the mail! Just this little envelope with a big shark... {FLOPS AROUND} floppin' around.

Amy: Forget the envelope. They should just put stamps ON the shark. Get it really agitated.

Erika: Exceptionally sharp paper, 'cause you open an envelope and you see bullets, you go like, "oh, bullets, I'll put them there-" but you have really sharp paper and you're like "oh letter- FUCK I'm bleeding."

Amy: Worse? Glitter. Shit gets everywhere.

Erika: Glitter: craft's herpes.

Amy: Even worse: a note from their father, who is very disappointed in them.

Erika: Even worse: whatever fouled up LoadingReadyRun's fridge upstairs. I went up there and like, there was a musk in the whole room.

Amy: It was THICK. I could taste it. {WHISPERS}

Graham: Dateline: Ypsilanti, Michigan, where municipal governance is HILARIOUS. Three members of the town council abstained from voting on a measure that would prevent them from abstaining on future votes.

Amy: They were all given purity rings in honour of their abstinence pledge.

Erika: So then those three members of the council became pregnant because abstinence only education doesn't work!

Graham: So to be clear, they didn't care enough to vote yes or no on whether or not they wouldn't be allowed to care or not in the future. {BEAT} They should probably elect someone else.

Also apparently they abstained to show their disapproval of this resolution, which typically means you would VOTE NO.

Amy: Abstaining: it's the new no!

Graham: A man who was wanted for a murder that happened thirteen years ago in Los Angeles, was recently arrested in Colorado, after someone called in and reported that he'd been spotted peeing on the outside wall of the KFC.

{SHOT OF AMY AND ERIKA ON THE SOFA. ERIKA WEARS A POLICE OFFICER CAP}

Erika: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER CAP} 'Scuse me, sir. Stop what you're doing, you're coming with me.

Amy: Oh no! Now I'm gonna be a registered sex offender. Shucks!

Erika: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER CAP} No it's for murder you did thirteen years ago.

Amy: {SIGHS} Oh yeah....

{SHOT OF ERIKA}

Erika: So I want to make a finger licking good joke, but it's kind of a stretch, and that's not even their slogan anymore.

Amy: KFC. That's where I go for my... chicken... and justice? Sooo good!

You're done with your chicken, and you wanna get away with murder, so you {CLAPS} licked your fingers? Good. Um... oh wait wait. Now. OK! You're peeing on the wall, and it's KFC, and somebody remembers that you were a murderer and... finger lickin' good- SHIT. {LAUGHS, ERIKA LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Graham: Peein' with a boner: it's finger flickin' wood!

{WE SEE GRAHAM WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. ERIKA IS LAUGHING OFFSCREEN}

Amy: {OFFSCREEN} No.

Graham: It's also not healthy... {EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING} It's like not good for your dick. Don't do it.

Erika: Eleven herbs and spices, some of which are diuretics! {SHRUGS}

Graham: You think you've had a shitty day at work? You aren't the crane operator in Hanoi that knocked out literally a third of Vietnam's power.

Erika: So if you're that crane driver, you just... never come down now, right? You just live up there forever.

Amy: You're the high ground... uh... you have... a fuckin' crane. It's a very defensible position!

Erika: Bonus: you can pee on people!

Amy: Just make sure you're not wanted for murder! {POINTS AT CAMERA}

Graham: I love it when something comes full circle. Thanks to Erika and Amy for hangin' out with me this week, if you wanna see more of them, check out Strip Search {SUBTITLE: IT'S NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE (OR IS IT!?)} over on LoadingReadyRun.com, and until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, {PUTS ON COOKED TURKEY HAT} but they don't have... this hat. 'Cause they goose is cooked! {MUGS} {LAUGHS WEAKLY} {CRESTFALLEN} Ugh. It's not... it... it's alright. It's a- it's a pretty funny hat.

{CAMERA PANS UP TO REVEAL MORE OF HAT. GRAHAM WIGGLES HIS HEAD, WHICH MAKES THE TURKEY LEGS WIGGLE}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{GRAHAM IS TALKING ON THE PHONE IN THE BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT THIS SHOT, NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO AMY AND ERIKA. AMY IS CLEARLY FOOLING AROUND ON CAMERA BEFORE THEY STARTED FILMING.}

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} {TALKING ON THE PHONE} I don't think so... why did you phone me?

{AMY WIGGLES HER EYEBROWS. ERIKA LAUGHS OFFSCREEN, THEN COMES INTO SHOT MUGGING, AS THOUGH FOR A SELFIE}

Erika: Oh is it rolling.

Amy: No I don't think so, the light's not on, is it? {SEES THAT THE LIGHT IS ON} Oh.

Erika: Oh.

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} OK, uh... yeah, I guess we don't have any more.

{AMY BEGINS MIMING DICKS. DICKS EVERYWHERE. ERIKA LAUGHS, ALSO BEGINS MIMING DICKS}