Toe Suckin' and Cat Screamin' Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Toe Suckin' and Cat Screamin'
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where I'm recovering from a cold. Join me on this journey! It's a-me! {PUTS ON MARIO HAT} Mario Mario! With me this week: Luigi Mario!
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT, GIVING THUMBS UP} I can jump slightly higher!
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} And a chicken from Link to the Past.
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} I'm a chicken!!!
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} And now I want chicken. It's time to pay our dues!
{TITLE: IT'S TIME TO PAY OUR DUES/NEWS}
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} The people of Conway, Arkansas have an interesting problem. That being a guy going around town and complimenting people on how long and succulent their toes look and then... forcibly taking off their shoes and sucking their toes and running away. Eew.
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} How do you forcibly suck someone's toes?! 'Cause you've gotta get your mouth over their foot! Presumably while they're kicking you!
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} He seems to target elderly people, and also there's mentions of them sitting on a porch, so I assume there's like a height thing, so that he can just like... feet! Arrg!
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} So he's going after the weak and feeble! That's the way I would do it.
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} Somehow the fact that we know that he's now sucking old people feet makes this worse for me.
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} This town is no stranger to this sort of thing when in the very same town, in the 90s, a man known as the toe suck fairy went on a similar caper. Police have not ruled out that it could be the same man.
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} That is a crack investigative team, I'm telling you.
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} When you consider that they caught the other guy, you'd think that they would have, like, a photo to show the new victims that they could be more sure if it's the same guy or not.
Paul: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND SUNGLASSES, HOLDING UP PHOTO} Was this the man who sucked you toes, sir?
{PAN TO JAMES}
James: I told you, officer. I can't keep track of every man that sucks my toes!
Paul: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND SUNGLASSES, HOLDING UP PHOTO} If I... sucked your toes, would it refresh your memory?
{PAN TO JAMES}
James: It just might. {HOLDS UP HIS FOOT}
{WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES, HOLDING PIP-BOY PUPPET} Alright, son, show me on the doll where the man... {NOTICES THE BOTTOM OF THE PUPPET HAS NO TOES} oh. Hold on I'm gonna have to go get another doll.
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} There's drunk, and then there's "walk into a police station because you think it's a casino and ask the officers for blackjack chips" drunk. Then, there's "get excused from the police station once they inform you that it's not a casino and come BACK because you think it's a casino again" drunk.... Lincoln, Nebraska!
Paul: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND SUNGLASSES} {SIGHS} OK, you know what? Yes! This is a casino! So give me all your money, and we'll give you chips. And by chips, I mean whatever's left in the vending machine in the back.
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} When the guy blew three times the legal driving limit, they didn't arrest him but they did take him into protective custody so he could sober up overnight.
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} {DRUNKENLY} Officer, I would like to complain. I was promised a four star resort, and I don't know what you think you're passing as food around here, but that shrimp cocktail was not good at all!
{PAN TO PAUL}
Paul: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Uh... I don't know what you ate, sir, but we did not give you a shrimp cocktail.
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} {DRUNKENLY} And the complimentary escort that you've provided looked nothing like the picture in the brochure!
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} Dateline: Boulder, Colorado. Maybe, if you're so lazy that you don't want to actually walk your dog, and instead want to walk it alongside your car while you drive ten miles an hour, you shouldn't be a dog-sitter!
The funny part, and it's funny because the dog is fine, but was that it's a chihuahua that was talking along the car. The lady now faces animal cruelty charges.
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} I do not even want to imagine how this woman is going to take care of her own children.
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} No, you see, raising kids will just complete her master plan, 'cause then she can teach them how to drive the car, and then she doesn't have to do ANYTHING!
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} So she can outsource the animal cruelty, yes, that's very nice of her.
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} I think you might be on to something with this idea of outsourcing animal cruelty. I'd like to be able to phone up an Indian elancer and and get him to just scream at my cat over the phone.
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} Actually the next step is that you phone up somebody in India to scream at a cat in India. Just... let you know that animal cruelty is going on. That way you don't have to go through all the trouble of actually having your own cat!
And then, the SPCA can outsource saving the animal by just phoning up the same guy and telling him to stop!
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} We've got it all figured out!
{CUT TO KATHLEEN IN HER APARTMENT, WEARING STYLISH BLACK BOWLER, HOLDING KHAAVREN}
Kathleen: Hey kids, this is Kathleen, assistant Feed Dump editor, and friend to all animals. Remember: animal cruelty isn't funny. Unless it's in Feed Dump.
{CUT BACK TO THE MOONBASE}
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} Now for a new segment where James and Paul have to figure out why people did the thing that happened. I call it: why in the HELL?
{TITLE: WEIRD WACKY STUPID WHY IN THE HELL? (Voiceover: When people do weird wacky, stupid stuff, WHY IN THE HELL?)}
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} Thieves in Windsor, Ontario broke into a Sunglass Hut after hours and made off with twelve HUNDRED pairs of glasses. Why?!
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT AND EIGHT PAIRS OF SUNGLASSES. I'M NOT GOING TO LIST THEM} Because this looks fucking rad! {FLIPS OFF THE CAMERA WITH BOTH HANDS: THE DOUBLE DEUCE}
{SHOT OF PAUL PUTTING SUNGLASSES ON JAMES' FACE. JAMES IS WEARING CHICKEN HAT, PAUL IS WEARING LUIGI HAT}
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} Alright, there's eight pairs... now look in the sun.
James: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} OK... {LOOKS UP} nah, it still hurts.
Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} Ah. Alright, alright.
{WEARING DOUCHEBAG WIG AND VISOR, WITH SEVEN PAIRS OF SUNGLASSES TUCKED INTO HIS COLLAR} No no, you see, {GESTURES AT GLASSES} these are all very necessary. You see, {GRABS FIRST} this one is for when it's really, really bright outside, {GRABS SECOND} this one is for when it's a little bit less bright outside but still very bright... {GRABS THIRD} this one is for when I want everything to be orange... and then {GRABS LAST} this one... actually I don't know what that one's for.
{SHOT OF PAUL AND JAMES. PAUL IS HOLDING ALL THE SUNGLASSES}
Paul: Alright Mr. Caruso, here are today's options.
James: {GRABS FIRST PAIR, PUTS THEM ON. WHIPS THEM OFF DRAMATICALLY. PUTS THEM ON AGAIN. WHIPS THEM OFF DRAMATICALLY} Nah. {DISCARDS THEM} {TAKES SECOND PAIR, PUTS THEM ON, WHIPS THEM OFF DRAMATICALLY} Oh... that feels good. {PUTS THEM ON}
Paul: Alright!
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} And now for another gripping installment of... the end of the show!
{TITLE: IT'S THE END OF THE SHOW, THE SHOW IS OVER NOW}
Graham: {WEARING MARIO HAT} Good times! So until next good times, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {TAKES OFF MARIO HAT} {PUTS ON XE.COM HAT} this hat! 'Cause I got it from the CEO! So it's unlikely that other people would have it... is the main thing I'm... trying to put out there. Hi Steve! {WAVES TO STEVEN DENGLER}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{SHOT OF JAMES AND PAUL. JAMES IS WEARING THE CHICKEN HAT. PAUL IS WEARING FELT LINK HAT, HOLDING A SWORD AND A SHIELD. JAMES IS USING HIS IPHONE}
Paul: {WEARING FELT LINK HAT, HOLDING SWORD AND SHIELD} {WEAKLY SINGING LEGEND OF ZELDA THEME} Deee! Dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee! {APPROACHES JAMES} {POKES HIM REPEATEDLY WITH SWORD}
James: {ANNOYED} Paul, stop it.
{PAUL CONTINUES POKING HIM}
James: {ANNOYED} Paul, I get it, I'm wearing the chicken hat. Yeah, I... no.
{PAUL CONTINUES TO POKE HIM EAGERLY}
James: {ANNOYED} Dude! Go... no! Yes! I get it, go away!
{PAUL CONTINUES TO POKE HIM}
{JAMES PUNCHES HIM. PAUL BLOCKS WITH THE SHIELD, BUT IT HITS HIM ON THE HEAD}
Paul: Naugh! {FALLS OVER} I did not think that through.
