Trolls, Snakes and Honey Badgers Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Trolls, Snakes and Honey Badgers
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where I left my horns at home. I'm Gamzee, joining me this week is Nepeta,
Kathleen: {WAVING HER HANDS LIKE PAWS} Kitties kitties kitties kitties, kitties everywhere! Nyah~!
Graham: And Karkat!
Alex: {SHOUTING} WALLS OF GREY TEXT!!!
Graham: I'm not entirely sure what those words mean, but we hear Homestuck is popular, we're gonna jump on that bandwagon.
{TITLE: HOMESTUCK HAS A BANDWAGON (SUBTITLE: AND WE ARE ON IT!)}
Graham: It's the old guessing games episode! I literally just made that up. What invasive species is all up ins Lake Tahoe?
Kathleen: Homestuck Trolls?
Alex: {SHAKES HIS HEAD, CONFUSED} {MOUTHES} What?!
Kathleen: Look, they're very popular, why couldn't they be in Lake Tahoe as well?
Alex: Honey badgers.
You know, 'cause they don't give a fuck about anything.
Kathleen: Exactly! So why would they give a fuck about being in Lake Tahoe? The answer is: giant goldfish.
Alex: Gianter goldfish.
Kathleen: No, I'm actually correct. It's giant goldfish.
Alex: Wait what-
Graham: Kathleen is correct! They're not entirely sure how it happened, but goldfish the size of friggin' trout are taking over Lake Tahoe.
Kathleen: For this monumentous occasion, I would like to coin the first ever Kathleen Feed Dump Victory Dance! {DANCES} Meow meow meow meow, MYAH~ TA DAAAAAAA!
Alex: Has she been into the nip again?
Kathleen: {SCRATCHES HER HEAD LIKE A CAT}
Graham: Follow up: what hilarious fishing method are they using to try and reduce their numbers?
Alex: Pipe bombs.
Kathleen: Putting a bunch of bread crumbs... in... the water, and letting the fish get real fat, and then they're just gonna like, catch them with like, their hands, 'cause the fish are all like, "uugh, I'm all sluggish and carbed up, eeeeh."
Graham: No, they're using electrofishing, where they just dangle electrified wires out the bottom of the boat, and just drive around and then anything that they touch goes EEEE, blop! And then they just go 'round scoop 'em up.
Kathleen: That's a great technique! As long as the only thing alive in Lake Tahoe is the invasive species of goldfish. In that case, maybe yah leave 'em there! Considering it's an aquatic wasteland!
Alex: Using electrodes and nets separately seems really inefficient. Why don't you just make an electric net?
Graham: Alright, next guess: what city was named by Forbes as the most miserable city in the US?
Alex: {CHANTING} Detroit Detroit Detroit Detroit Detroit Detroit Detroit Detroit!
Kathleen: I'm going to say Dallas, Texas. Now, I've only been to the Dallas airport once, for an hour. But I was so hung over when I was in the Dallas airport that it was the most miserable place on earth.
Alex: So, by that rationale, the time I had food poisoning the hardest, my bathroom was the most miserable city on earth?
Kathleen: You haven't lived until you and one of your best friends have been dragging rolly cases sadly through a never-ending concourse looking out for anywhere that will sell you an Alka-Seltzer just so you won't vomit on the tarmac.
Alex: How would you get out to the tarmac to vomit on it?
Kathleen: Love finds a way.
Graham: Defeating last year's winner Miami, this year's most miserable city in the US is: Detroit, Michigan.
Alex: I won using people's misery!
{DANCES, CHANTS} Shitty cars, shitty cars, shitty cars, shitty cars!
Kathleen: I'm not entirely sure Alex's victory dance is PG-13.
Alex: Oh. I'm sorry. {THRUSTS HIS HIPS, CHANTS} Bad cars bad cars bad cars bad cars-
Graham: And in other invasive species news, the US territory of Guam {PROUNOUNCES IT GUUAAAAAAM} is infested with invasive brown tree snakes. How are they planning to fight this?
Alex: Electric net?
Kathleen: Now normally honey badgers do not give a fuck, but I know that they think snakes are pretty tasty, so... honey badgers? {SHRUGS}
Alex: I heard that as honey bad-germs, so it should be like, miniature, microscopic honey badgers, and you'd get infected with them, and it's like, worse than flesh-eating bacteria.
Kathleen: I think that actually just might be what flesh-eating bacteria is.
Alex: {HANDS ON HEAD, MIND BLOWN}
Graham: They're gonna get rid of the snakes the same way you get rid of any problem bothering you. You airdrop a bunch of dead mice packed with poison.
Kathleen: OK, two minor objections to this otherwise well-thought out and reasonable plan. One: I thought snakes liked to eat things that were alive, and two: won't that also kill every other scavenger in Guam?
Alex: I'm just visualizing the poor sap whose job it was to poison all the mice. I just imagine him with a huge pile of dead rodents, and like a syringe with some Ajax just going like, one at a time {MIMES} "...I hate my life."
Kathleen: Powerhouse is also playing softly in the background. {SINGS POWERHOUSE, MIMES}
Alex: And then he like, stops in the middle, and makes it do a little ragtime, and you know like {MIMES MAKING DEAD MICE DANCE} you know, a kick line and stuff.
Kathleen: And then his boss is like, {SHOUTS} "GUY! GET BACK TO WORK POISONING THOSE MOUSE CARCASES! THEY'RE NOT GOING TO POISON THEMSELVES!"
Alex: Or will they?
Kathleen: Cue Powerhouse again. {SINGS}
Graham: {LAUGHING} OK so, uhh {READING FROM IPAD} they're gonna combat hurting other animals because what they're actually stuffing into the mice is um, is not like, poison per-say, it's actually basically it's Tylenol, and it's- they're using acetaminophen, because it's toxic to snakes, quote "and not a lot of other animals." In an attempt to keep the bated mice off the ground, each tiny dead rodent will be attached to a strand of ribbon between pieces of cardboard designed to drop in a loop and catch on the canopy of trees. {LAUGHS} They're giving them tiny cardboard parachutes.
Kathleen: This plan really did come from Acme labs!
Alex: You can't automate that! Someone is literally sitting there tying ribbon to dead mice.
Kathleen: Dead mice just stuffed with Tylenol. I like to think they open their little dead mouse jaws, just put a funnel in there and just like {MIMES RAMMING TYLENOL INTO A DEAD MOUSE} ticka ticka ticka sha. And then you pick up the little mouse, and it's like fat and rattly, feels like a stress ball, 'cause there's so many Tylenol {LAUGHS}
Alex: Take two and call me in the morning heheheheheh!
Graham: And for your last guess, residents of Saskatoon are concerned about a three-story tall what?
Kathleen: A prison?
Alex: Very inconveniently situated tree?
Kathleen: A museum... but a museum designed by an incompetent architect that makes everything look like a butt from the outside.
Alex: So... the guy who designed the Experience Music Project?
Kathleen: I would not want a three-story tall butt in my town. Unless I could charge admission for it from my house or something.
Alex: Phallic art installation.
Graham: Alex is probably the closest. Due to the cold temperatures, it's a three-story icicle.
Alex: {HOLDING IPAD WITH A PICTURE OF THE ICICLE} This is actually a lot less impressive than I thought it would be. I was imagining like, a giant pointy stalactite poised to crush an orphanage.
Kathleen: {HOLDING IPAD WITH PICTURE OF THE ICICLE, SHOT PANS UP FROM PICTURE TO HER FACE} This is... actually not that scary. The only way someone's gonna get hurt on this thing is if they get dared to lick it. Just don't touch it with your tongue. Or your penis. Problem solved!
Alex: Yeah, I gotta say, ten minutes with a step ladder and a sledge hammer will deal with this. And most other problems.
Kathleen: Coincidentally, you should probably not touch most other problems with your tongue or your penis.
Graham: Except that hundredth problem. That one might work. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON POWERADE DRAG RACING CAP} this hat. Which is a Powerade drag racing hat. Which, in my head is drag racing for two cars powered by Powerade. So they... probably wouldn't go very fast. I shouldn't be in charge of this sort of thing.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: Graham, fail. There may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON POWERADE DRAG RACING CAP} which is the Powerade drag racing team hat. Which is where you get two drag queens and you hop 'em up on Powerade so they're all high on sugar, then you make them race the club. It's not actually that fast, but it's AMAZING and FABULOUS!!!
