We Are The Fat Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- We Are The Fat
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
{THIS ENTIRE EPISODE TAKES PLACE NOT IN THE MOONBASE, BUT IN GRAHAM AND KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT}
Graham: Changing location shoots together, this week it's Home Dump for reasons I won't get into. I am Dadaism... I think. Joining me this week is pointillism,
Cam: For the full effect, lower your resolution.
Graham: and impressionism.
Beej: {COVERING ONE EAR} Ow, my fucking ear!
Graham: You're bleeding on my couch.
{TITLE: BEEJ, SERIOUSLY YOUR EAR WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?/ART! {SUBTITLE: HOW MUCH BLOOD IS IN YOU?)}
Graham: So apparently, the bad guy for Avengers 2 is gonna be some sort of robot thing, but if that falls through, I have a fallback. The British utility company, Thames Water, has discovered... growing, in the sewers of London, over the past six months... a 14 ton blob of fat!
Beej: It's so nice to see {COVERS HIS MOUTH WITH HIS HAND} generic obese celebrity {UNCOVERS HIS MOUTH} getting more work. That, that's okay, right? We don't have to actually do the joke, right?
Cam: Called a "fat-berg" in the sewage management business, it is actually not just lard, but also structurally given form by toilet paper.
Beej: I'm not so concerned about what it looks like while it's stopped, I'm more concerned about what it looks like when it starts moving.
Cam: Is it ambulatory?
If you're to look at cities as giant super-organisms, then this is kind of like a buildup of fat in an artery so I guess London needs a bypass, or lipatore.
I keep thinking about this in terms of the Many from System Shock 2.
{CAMERA PANS TO BEEJ}
Beej: That's, that's funny 'cos I keep thinking about it in terms of the sewers from Ghostbusters 2. {MUGS}
{PANS BACK TO CAM}
Cam: {IN MONOTONE} We are the Fat.
Graham: The tiny tourist town of Dorset, Minnesota, doesn't let their diminutive population of 22, or 28 depending on if the mayor and his family are in town, stop them from electing as their mayor a preschooler, for the second year in a row. He's four now.
Beej: Peace, order, and ice-cream every night for dessert!
Graham: We hold these toys and don't give them away 'cos they're mine. I'm not sharing my toys. {GIVES GRUMPY FACE}
Cam: Life, liberty, and freedom from bath time.
Graham: See, the voting to elect four-year old Bobby Tufts as mayor takes place at the Taste of Dorset Festival, where you can vote as many times as you like for one dollar a vote, because you see, the town doesn't actually have an official government so it's not just super corrupt, it's just kind of weird and small.
Beej: No no, this has possibilities. If you can elect a small child to be mayor... maybe they can elect something else. I'm hoping it's the street signs.
Graham: I don't know exactly what you're looking for in a mayor, but I got a line on a 14 ton blob of fat that's not doing much right now.
Cam: The sense of ennui from living in Dorset, Minnesota.
Graham: Now that gay marriage is legal in France, this opens up a WORLD of possibilities, such as a woman who is offering her breasts to male homosexual couples, to breastfeed their children. For only a hundred euros a day.
Cam: Shit, lady. I got breasts! I'm not seeing the value here.
Beej: Oh, I hope she's producing.
Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} According to this, she is. {READING FROM IPHONE} It says "I am a young mother in perfect health, a trained nurse of 29 and I am renting my breasts to milk-feed infants."
Beej: {RUBS CHIN} Hmm, interesting, interesting. She doesn't say infant what?
Cam: I suppose for a hundred euros, she could recreate the Boys for Pele album cover.
Beej: I don't understand what the big deal is why this is even news. She's a wet nurse! That's a thing, you can be that. That's, th-the wet in "wet nurse" has- {MIMES HOLDING BREAST} has to- you know! It's not the wet in the other wet nurse thing like in the movie, that's really good, no. {MIMES HOLDING BREAST} This.
Graham: Well, according to Wikipedia, {READING FROM IPHONE} "following the widespread marketing and availability of artificial baby milk, or infant formula, wet nursing went into decline after World War II and fell out of style in the affluence of the mid-1950s. Wet nurses are no longer considered necessary in developed nations and, therefore, are no longer common." {BEAT} But if you ain't got tits, then I guess, you can hire this lady.
Cam: Story of my life.
Graham: When Koichi Wakata takes up his position as the first Japanese commander of the International Space Station, he will be taking with him a robot, that is capable of recognizing human faces and engaging in conversation.
Cam: Capable of conversation and recognizing a human face? It's already better than most of the engineers I've ever met.
Beej: Lots of love to Commander Chris Hadfield, but I mean, Jesus. As Canadians, all we need to do is take a guitar.
Cam: Yeah. Japan's bringing Skynet.
Beej: Coming from Japan, I have to assume this isn't just some sort of conversation robot where this is some sort of advanced simulacrum. And you all know what I'm talking about.
Graham: The real question is, can it ascend, or the tricky one descend stairs?
Beej: {IN STRANGE CREEPY VOICE} There are no stairs in space!
Cam: Oh fuck!
Graham: On that note, to protect myself should bits of the space station start falling out of the sky, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON UMBRELLA HAT} this hat, which I'm pretty happy about, and so is this cat that had come to join me. {PICKS UP BAXTER IN HIS ARMS} Don't you like my new hat? Yeah you do. You're not terrified of it at all. {BAXTER STARTS TO STRUGGLE} Yeah.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Beej: Wow, so Mrs. Tufts clearly has a lot of disposable income.
Cam: When will she stop smothering that child?
