What Do Possums Eat? Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- What Do Possums Eat?
{FEED DUMP TITLE}
{OPEN ON THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR...AND GRAHAM LEANING OUT OF SHOT TO HIS RIGHT}
Graham: Am I out of shot?
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} No.
Graham: Good enough. {LEANS BACK IN SHOT} Welcome to Feed Dump where it is now the year 2015. And we are OTHER years. I am "2010: The Year We Made Contact". Joining me this week is "1984"...
Kathleen: I've never HAD a big brother, but I've always wanted to BE one...
Graham: ...and "2525".
Cameron: Man is not still alive.
Graham: No word yet on "20XX".
{TITLE: HONESTLY THE CONCEPT OF 2015 IS SCARY ENOUGH FOR ME. INEVITABLE PASSAGE OF TIME/NEWS (SUBTITLE: EMBRACE MORTALITY}
Graham: It's a new year and everyone has their own New Year's traditions. But, for the residents of Brasstown, North Carolina, theirs will be a little different this year. Because, owing to pressure from PETA, their annual "possum drop" - that's been happening for 20 years - will NOT feature a live possum this year.
Kathleen: Look, if you need PETA to tell you not to fling a live animal off something, you are NOT a good person!
Cameron: Before we hastily declare PETA correct about something, where are these possums landing? And IN what?
Kathleen: Are they being flung from three inches down into a pile of...wait, what do possums eat?
Cameron: "Possum Chow"?!
Kathleen: Smaller, weaker possums?
Cameron: Possum McNuggets.
Kathleen: Non-mammals?
Cameron: All the insulation from my roof!
Kathleen: No, but, seriously, what do possums eat? Nuts?
Cameron: I don't know. Probably, like, bugs and small mammals.
Kathleen: But, hold on now...they fling them into a bowl of possum food but possum food happens to be squirrels. Is THAT cruel?
Cameron: This has been a rich mine of possibilities.
Kathleen: I think you mean, "POSSUM-bilities"! {SMILES WIDELY}
Cameron: I definitely know where at least ONE possum is being flung.
Graham: No possums are getting flung anywhere! The "possum drop"...{READS FROM iPHONE}..."involves enclosing a possum in a tinsel-covered plastic box and lowering it to the ground at midnight and then releasing the animal." Lowering it...to the ground. And then releasing it.
Kathleen: What if that possum has a terrible fear of tinsel? Then that would be QUITE cruel. Psychologically, at least.
Cameron: Or what if the possum has a crippling fear of participating in inane small-town bullshit?
Kathleen: I didn't know possums and teenagers were both afflicted with the same terrible illness. {GIGGLES}
Cameron: Self-respect?
Graham: The event organizer, Clay Logan, said that he COULD use a live possum if he applied for a state permit...but that he doesn't have the time. So, in the ABSENCE of a live possum,...
{CUT TO FULL COUCH VIEW}
Kathleen: Is it a STUFFED possum with a string?
Cameron: Or a DEAD possum from a cannon?
Kathleen: {GASPS} Put fireworks on it?!
Cameron: Or IN it?
Graham: Y-y-you're...close...I guess? Um, he's gonna go with a...roadkill possum. Uh, IF he can't find a roadkill possum,...a bowl of...{CUT TO BOWL OF STEW}...possum stew!. {WORDS "DIG IN!" SHOW IN FRONT OF THE STEW}
{RUBBING HIS EYES} I just...I just want to paint a picture for you. The town of Brasstown, North Carolina gathers in...the square or the empty parking lot, wherever this takes place...some sort of abandoned lot. And they gather 'round as the mayor is there, counting down to midnight. And they lower the tinsel-covered plastic box...full of stew. And everyone goes..."It's New Year's." That's fucked up!
Kathleen: Well, could they at least put fireworks in the bowl of stew?
Cameron: Thanks a lot, PETA! Now, instead of traumatizing or possibly even just embarrassing a possum, we'll have murdered one, turned it into stew and then fired it out of a tinsel covered box across a crowd!
Kathleen: {SHOWING A THUMPS-UP} A-plus-plus! Would go to this possum thing!
Graham: The authorities in Granite Bay, California have determined that a couple's 500 square-foot tree house...is a little too extravagant.
Cameron: 500 square feet, good view...is it rent-controlled?
Kathleen: I feel that, if you're building a 500 square-foot structure, it's probably exceeds the sort of, like, load limit that you can put on a single tree. I think we're talking more "grove mansion".
Graham: The tree house was recently featured on an episode of "Tree House Masters" - which is an entire television show on Animal Planet {WORDS "BECAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE" FLASH ON THE SCREEN FOR A SECOND} - and, for the show, they were given approval to build a kitchen in the tree house. But, because they already have a guest cottage on their property, they cannot have this be a complete self-sustaining structure. So they have to now remove the kitchen.
Kathleen: Alright, hold on, hold on. "Tree House Masters" on {FINGER QUOTES} "Animal Planet"?! Animal Planet, are you running out of ideas for shows about animals?! 'Cause I've got some ideas for you!
{GRAHAM, KATHLEEN AND CAMERON SING THE TITLE: WE'RE CREATIVE (AND YOU'RE NOT)/HAVE WE GOT AN IDEA FOR YOU!}
{SMALL TITLE SPOKEN BY GRAHAM: IDEA DUMP(TM)}
Kathleen: "Cat Poo or Human Poo?"
Cameron: "Cat Meat or Human Meat?"
Kathleen: {GETTING MIC MOVED OVER TO HER} Oh,...um,...actually, that was my only idea. 'Cause, um, I have two really big cats; they're both like "man-coons". So, occasionally, when I'm scooping the box, I'm, like, "I have made poo smaller than this. How does this come out of their tiny b-... {MIC IS MOVED BACK TO CAMERON}
Cameron: "Will I Fit Inside This Animal?" {MIC GETS DRAGGED AWAY TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: "Will This Animal Fit Inside ME?" {MIC GETS DRAGGED AWAY} {TO CAMERON} I'm mean like food!
Cameron: "Endangered Species Knife Fight"
{HERE, KATHLEEN TACKLES CAMERON ON THE COUCH, WITH A CRASHING SFX IN THE BACKGROUND}
Graham: For real, though, why haven't they never done a realty show of "Animal Farm"? Just like...go down the cast list, put them all in a pen, film it and then see who crushes and then become the bourgeoisie first? {PAUSE} My money's on the pigs.
{SHOT OF CAMERON IN A PITH HELMET IN FRONT OF THE GREEN SCREEN, WHICH SHOWS A STONE FORT OF SORTS. BELOW CAMERON ARE THE WORDS: "ANIMAL SMUGGLING EXPERT/CAMERON LAUDER"}
Cameron: How about the sexy globe-trotting adventures of an over-qualified animal smuggling correspondent on a third-rate internet news show?
{CUT BACK TO GRAHAM IN CAPTAIN'S CHAIR, LOOKING BACK AT CAMERON AGAINST THE GREEN SCREEN}
Graham: {TO CAMERON} No!
Cameron: {IN BACKGROUND} Oi!
Graham: {TO CAMERA} Until next time: there may better sources for news but, remember, they don't have THIS hat...{DONS A FURRY LEOPARD-SKINNED HAT}...which were given to us by Ben and Oz who make a game called "Dudle"...not spelled how you think. It's got a "u" and an umlut. And, uh, I think...I think, y'know what? I rock this hat. Deal with it!
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
{CUT BACK TO GRAHAM}
Graham: I can see it right now: the possum living in fear of having its picture proudly displayed on Page 7 of the "Brasstown Time Picayune", across the fold from Mavis Parker's recipe for "jellied salmon aspic".
Cameron: Or right above the notice for a churchyard sale where the city's entire tiny barter economy is cycled around again at random.
Kathleen: {WEARING LION CAP, SINGING} The cirrrrrcle of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-ife...
