Qwerpline Ep01 - Pot Hole Mystery

Ep. 01 Titlecard

The first episode of Qwerpline! The most popular radio show on QWRP FM from scenic nsburg, Qwerpline is full of curious characters and local interests.

Vital Statisics

Date released: August 30, 2015

Appearing: Graham Stark, Alex Steacy, Kathleen De Vere, Brendan "Beej" Dery and Ian Horner

Editing and Graphics: Graham Stark

Illustrations: Devin "Featherweight" Harrigan

Music: Bradley Rains (www.bradleyrains.com)

Runtime: 13:26

Nsburg Slogan

"Home of the Tigers!"

First introduced in 1965 when the tigers were unveiled at the Nsburg Municipal Zoo. The tigers were returned to their owner in 1997 but the slogan is still used to this day.

Synopsis

All of the Highway 3 potholes, a local heritage site, have gone missing. Summer Intern Derek was sent to investigate but due to the humidity and his resulting case of swamp-eye he was only able to see 30 feet in front of him. Officer Steve of the Nsburg PD vows to pursue the case and asks vigilant Nsburgians to report any new, or old, holes directly to the department.

Also, all of the raccoons have been cleaned out of the communal pool.

Weather

Seven days of sunshine and extreme humidity (except for Friday. Friday was cancelled).

It's the Arts

New movies opening this week at the Nsburg Megaplex:

• Paul Blart 2: Mall Guy
• Furious 7
• Avengers: Age of Voltron
• Get Hard
• Jackin' It (Local Film)

Let's Go to the Phones

Ball Hinkley, local East Sumpacres organic perfumer, describes his creations.

Ball's perfumes include:

• Vanilla Muskrat
• Cap Gun
• Wet Wool
• Dust Finger
• Mixed-up Ladder (?)
• The Creep (?)
• Ray Romano

Sponsors

• Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss

Delicious candy floss made from all natural sphagnum moss! It's Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss: Try it with Sauce!

• Jack Plank's Sauna-Smoked Pork

Sauna smoked pork; it melts on your fork.

• Raymond's Talc Barn

No Rash too Moist! Just off Highway 3 past the farm with the weird looking cow.

Trivia

• While generally refereed to as Episode 01 in Youtube and this wiki, the title card in the the pothole mystery http://www.youtube.com/ video (00:16s - 00:41s) is numbered as Ep00 in the video footage as well as in the https://archive.org/ Archives. However, according to an episode of LLRcast the "00" title belongs to the non-canonical Desert Bus for Hope proto-Qwerpline skit/challenge.

• Summer Intern Derek was in the Nsburg Scouts and earned his Pothole Badge by going down to Highway 3 and counting the wheels that flew off of cars.

• Celebrities are given keys to specially dedicated potholes in Nsburg.

• Earl's Bakery is right off of Highway 3 and has those doughnuts with the bacon on them.

• Nsburg is a C market for movies, albeit a high C.

• Nsburg is landlocked and has been since the 1870s.

• A-Train's High School GPA was below a C.

• A-Train spent four winters doing roadwork.

Dramatis Personae

• Announcer - Beej
• Big G-Money - Graham
• A-Train - Alex
• Sadie Casperson - Kathleen
• Derek - Beej
• Officer Steve - Ian
• Edith Slump - Kathleen
• Richter Hammockslam - Ian
• Ball Hinkley - Beej

Transcript

{opening music plays}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss

{graphic: sponsor logo}

ANNOUNCER: Delicious candy floss made from all natural sphagnum moss, it's Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss: try it with sauce!

BIG G-MONEY: Hello and good morning, nsburg! Big G-Money here with A-Train! How's it going A-Train?

A-TRAIN: Doing well, how 'bout yourself?

BIG G-MONEY: Doing fantastic. And hopefully everyone out there is having a wonderful time in scenic nsburg: "Home of the Tigers!".

{graphic: town slogan}

A-TRAIN: One of my favourite aquatic mammals.

BIG G-MONEY: Fun fact: "Home of the Tigers!", 's one of the many tourism slogans used by the nsburg Tourism Board, was first introduced in 1965 when the tigers were unveiled at the nsburg Municipal Zoo. And even though the tigers were returned to their owner in 1997 they still use that slogan to this day.

A-TRAIN: It's like they always say, a tiger never forgets.

{laugh break}

BIG G-MONEY: Thanks again to our sponsor for this week, Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss.

{graphic: sponsor logo}

A-TRAIN: That sounds like some good stuff. If I had a wife, she'd love it.

BIG G-MONEY: Not sure what you mean by that Alex, it's the top of the hour though so let's go over to Sadie Casperson for weather.

{weather music}

BIG G-MONEY: Good morning Sadie, how's it going?

SADIE CASPERSON: Oh it's going great, Graham!

BIG G-MONEY: Good to hear, what've we got going on out there in nsburg today?

SADIE CASPERSON: Well, as we know, summer is just around the corner and that means it's going to be a beautiful seven days of sunshine and extreme humidity. The humidity index is about 98% now and, God willing, it'll stay there.

BIG G-MONEY: 98% humidity, that's, that's almost rain!

A-TRAIN: Well lucky for me, I like to start my summer by sweating like a ham!

SADIE CASPERSON: Well Alex, you'll be happier than a pig in a sauna because it's going to be almost like rain but without any of the helpful refreshment.

BIG G-MONEY: That's actually a great segue to one of our other sponsors this week: Jack Plank's Sauna-Smoked Pork.

{graphic: sponsor logo}

BIG G-MONEY: Sauna-Smoked Pork: it melts on your fork. Sorry Sadie, you were saying.

SADIE CASPERSON: Well, we're looking at the seven-day forecast and today it is beautiful, sunny, and humid. Uh, tomorrow it will be beautiful, sunny, and humid. Moving into the midweek where we'll have beautiful, sunny, and humid; with a little bit of relief on Thursday where we'll be not quite as sunny but still very humid. Uh, the weekend coming up looks fantastic though, people are really going to enjoy that when they're outside. Uh, 98% humidity and sunshine.

BIG G-MONEY: I note, with curiosity, you didn't mention Friday.

SADIE CASPERSON: Oh! Uh, that's because Friday is cancelled.

A-TRAIN: Aw, that's my poker night.

SADIE CASPERSON: Not anymore.

BIG G-MONEY: Before we let you go Sadie, 98% humidity that is way up there on the swamp-o-meter. If there's any nsburgians that dare go outdoors what should they do to try and beat the heat?

SADIE CASPERSON: Well as you know, summer is a beautiful time but it's also the time that various swamp-related skin conditions are most common. We're talking about swamp-arm, swamp-leg, the dreaded swamp-ass. I mean, like-

BIG G-MONEY: Your cousin had swamp-leg once, didn't he Alex?

A-TRAIN: I don't like talking about it.

SADIE CASPERSON: I do want to take a moment here to remind all our nsburg listeners that if you do contract any swamp-related skin disease, even if it's something minor like swamp-lip, you can go to the Municipal Health Department and apply for free rash cream.

BIG G-MONEY: That's a great time to mention one of our other community sponsors: Raymond's Talc Barn.

{graphic: sponsor logo} {graphic caption: No rash too moist!}

A-TRAIN: They sell a lot of dry goods.

BIG G-MONEY: Raymond's Talc Barn: just off Highway 3, past the farm with the weird looking cow. Well thanks for the weather Sadie, we'll make sure to keep an eye out for rashes.

{Music}

A-TRAIN: Speaking of Highway 3, driver's are going to want to watch out for our first news item: all the potholes have gone missing. So if you're going between Berbeshire Drive and Crescent Crescent, watch out!

BIG G-MONEY: You're not wrong Alex, my drive into work this morning was _uncomfortably_ smooth. For more on this story, we've sent our Summer Intern, Derek, down to Highway 3. How's it going down there, Derek?

{graphic: Live on Location} {graphic caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}

{sounds of wind and occasional traffic driving by}

DEREK: Huh?

BIG G-MONEY: D-Derek, how's-

DEREK: What?

BIG G-MONEY: Derek.

DEREK: H-Hi what?

BIG G-MONEY: D-, hi.

DEREK: Hi.

BIG G-MONEY: This is... Graham, from, from Qwerpline.

DEREK: Oh right! I'm live aren't I?

BIG G-MONEY: Yes, you are.

DEREK: Okay, I'm sorry. Okay. Um.

A-TRAIN: This is our best intern yet!

DEREK: Right. I'm standing outside Berbeshire Drive, um, and I can see about 30 feet down the road from where I am right now. Um, it is, it is completely glassy smooth on the road's surface. Uh, I have walked up and down it, looking to see if there were any potholes left, I haven't seen a single one.

BIG G-MONEY: Why can you only see 30 feet in front of you?

DEREK: It's really really muggy outside. And, I'm like, I'm, there's s-sweat running into my eyes. Um, I'm going to need some sort of, like, headband or maybe uh some powder.

A-TRAIN: Derek it sounds like you've got a case of, uh, swamp-eye.

DEREK: Oh no!

BIG G-MONEY: You're real close to the Talc Barn, Derek. Does anyone around there have any idea how these potholes could have gone missing, did anybody see anything?

DEREK: Uh, well, the thing is is nobody comes outside much any more on Highway 3 ever since they blew up the sidewalks.

A-TRAIN: Oh I remember that! Ugh the _smell_!

DEREK: I asked a local constable for some assistance, um, and uh, he was, he was pleased to interview with me. Uh, I've got it here on this tape recorder. Can I just play it into my, into my telephone?

BIG G-MONEY: Christ, if that's the best we've got, alright.

DEREK: Kay, hold on.

{sound of a tape recording starting. white noise begins}

{graphic caption adds: Off. Steve - nsburg PD}

DEREK: Um, Officer Steve?

OFFICER STEVE: Is that on?

DEREK: Yeah no, we're talking right now.

OFFICER STEVE: Okay.

DEREK: Okay. Um, we're gonna play this back later through my phone, I don't think they're going to mind at all.

OFFICER STEVE: No? Oh.

DEREK: Okay. So O-O-Officer, your name is Officer Steve.

OFFICER STEVE: Yeah that is correct. I am Steve.

DEREK: Officer Steve. Um, Officer Steve, did you happen to see what happened to all the potholes?

OFFICER STEVE: I have _no_ idea what happened to the potholes, but we are on the case!

DEREK: Oh that's a relief!

OFFICER STEVE: These potholes have been of extreme historic significance to nsburg. And without them our tourist dollars will just go completely to the pots!

DEREK: Oh I know! I mean, when, when I first moved here with my parents, they put me in, uh in Burg Scouts and we used come down to the street and we'd watch wheels fly off cars and we'd have to do a count and then we would go get our pothole badge.

OFFICER STEVE: As uh, as is a _fine_ nsburgian tradition. Why, these potholes have even been dedicated! Celebrities will come and get their key to the pothole from nsburg.

DEREK: Yeah, I even saw the mayor like dedicate-

{recording stops, sound of item dropping}

DEREK: {from a slight distance} Wait, hold on I dropped the tape recorder.

BIG G-MONEY: {tiredly} Take your time.

A-TRAIN: _Such_ a good intern.

DEREK: Okay I found it. Okay, hang on, it's, it stopped, I'm going to play it again.

{recording resumes}

OFFICER STEVE: We encourage any and all nsburgian citizens to report any new or old holes directly to the police for this ongoing investigation.

DEREK: Oh great! Thank you Officer Steve that's, that'll be really helpful to get all of our potholes back. {more quietly}Okay, so we're done now.

OFFICER STEVE: {quietly} Kay.

DEREK: So now if you want we can just hit stop, um, or we can like do some B-roll.

OFFICER STEVE: Okay.

DEREK: Um, I mean, do you want, do you want to go get like a coffee or something, we can talk about this?

OFFICER STEVE: Right, yes.

DEREK: Okay. Th-that's good. Do you like donuts?

OFFICER STEVE: Love the donuts.

DEREK: Okay we should get get some donuts.

BIG G-MONEY: {overlapping} Derek.

OFFICER STEVE: Do you have the ones with like the bacon on them?

BIG G-MONEY: Derek! D-Derek?

DEREK: Right yeah! They're just down the street from the bakery, the Earl's bakery.

BIG G-MONEY: Can you hear? D- stop. Derek. Stop. The tape. {to A-Train} I don't think he can hear us.

OFFICER STEVE: {from a slight distance from the microphone} I've often wondered, do donut holes come directly from the donut, is it a one-to-one ratio required to make donuts?

A-TRAIN: Yeah, I don't know. D-Derek? You can turn it off now.

{recording stops} {Officer Steve's name is removed from the graphic}

DEREK: Do you not want-? I was out here for an hour!

OFFICER STEVE: Would you have a look at this rash I've got, it's quite humid out, right now.

{Officer Steve's name reappears on the graphic}

DEREK: He's still here with me, we could do an interview again!

{laughter in background}

BIG G-MONEY: Wait, Officer Steve is still there?!

DEREK: Yeah!

BIG G-MONEY: Why did you pre- I don't, you know what, I don't care! Could you put Officer Steve on the phone for a second?

DEREK: Yeah okay. {to Offficer Steve, slightly distant} He-he wants to talk to you.

OFFICER STEVE: Hellllo?

BIG G-MONEY: To clarify, for our listeners, you want anyone with any information about new or old holes to contact the police.

OFFICER STEVE: Who is this?

A-TRAIN: Just a couple of concerned citizens. Do you have a number that, uh, we can call, some sort of specialty line?

OFFICER STEVE: Give me your badge number!

BIG G-MONEY: Officer Steve, we're gonna have to let you go.

{laughter in background}

OFFICER STEVE: Impersonating the police is a serious offence! Why if I wasn't so busy investigating these holes, I would have-

{sound of a phone hanging up, followed by a dial tone}

A-TRAIN: Thank you Officer Steve, utmost of respect for the law! Oh would you look at the time. Coming up next we've got Edith Slump with the Arts.

{music}

{graphic: It's the Arts!}

A-TRAIN: Talkin' about the new movies this week.

BIG G-MONEY: {with an affectation} Watcha got for us Edith?

{graphic disappears}

GRAHAM: Why did I do that with an accent?

{Alex laughs}

{graphic reappears}

BIG G-MONEY: {normally} Watcha got for us Edith?

EDITH SLUMP: Hey Graham and Alex, thrilled to be here, finally making a career out of my love of the arts. We've got a lot of-

{laugh break}

EDITH SLUMP: Got a lot of movies opening at the local megaplex. Course we've got Paul Blart 2: Mall Guy, which is finally opening here a couple weeks after wide release to, um, popular demand. Uh, we have-

BIG G-MONEY: It's important to remember that nsburg is a C market. But it's a _high_ C.

EDITH SLUMP: It's definitely a C plus.

A-TRAIN: Well it's higher than my GPA in high school and I got this job!

EDITH SLUMP: I do want to clarify my last statement that of course, as you know, we are not anywhere close to the sea. It's more of a figurative sea.

BIG G-MONEY: That's true Edith, nsburg has been landlocked since the 1870s.

EDITH SLUMP: Um, also opening: Furious 7, Avengers: Age of Voltron, and something called Get Hard which I'm not sure should be in a family theatre, but who am I to judge. But more importantly, we have a beautiful local feature opening this week called Jackin' It. Jackin' It is about the somewhat ironically named Sandra Hammer, America's first female jackhammer operator. It's a feel-good movie.

A-TRAIN: I spent four winters doing road work, I know what's she's talking about.

BIG G-MONEY: As a former road worker yourself then Alex, do you think people should get excited for Jackin' It?

A-TRAIN: Oh I predict that people are gonna be _all_ about Jackin' It, especially the kids!

BIG G-MONEY: You said Edith, that this was a local film.

EDITH SLUMP: That's correct, produced right here in nsburg. Several members of the nsburg Players are main characters in this movie. You may recognize them from various community nativity scenes. And that high school play.

BIG G-MONEY: Was this last year's play, the 2014 season?

EDITH SLUMP: I don't know, I didn't read all their wikipedia pages.

BIG G-MONEY: Well I'm asking 'cause I don't know much about Jackin' It, but that musical was amazing and if any of them are involved in this movie, I wanna see it!

A-TRAIN: Oh I agree! And uh, while we have you, anything coming up in the arts this week, Edith?

EDITH SLUMP: ... No.

A-TRAIN: Art just cancelled forever, huh?

EDITH SLUMP: Please don't take me so literally, Alex.

{laugh break}

BIG G-MONEY: Thank Edith, it's uh. It's a real pleasure. Uh, as always.

{music}

BIG G-MONEY: Well it's a quarter past the hour and that's means it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?

{graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter} {graphic caption: LIVE IN THE TRAFFIC QWOPTER: Richter Hammockslam}

{helicopter white noise sounds}

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Well Graham, traffic is amazingly smooth up here on Highway 3! It's like a piece of glass from here to the next county. We should have done this years ago!

A-TRAIN: That's not really an okay thing to say Richter, that's a heritage site you're talking about that's being irreparably {pronounced as 'ir-repair-ably'} desecrated.

RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Alex, you won't find anyone who is more of a big supporter of holes than me. I came out of a hole, my pappy came out of hole, every person my family came from a hole. And yet, the results from sky speak for themselves! (laughter in background) Imagine if you will, traffic: a gullet, stuffed full of spicy Indian meal and now the results of which spewing forth across the morning rush.

{helicopter white noise ends}

BIG G-MONEY: I'm gonna have to cut you off there Richter as I am no longer hungry and not sure I ever will be again.

A-TRAIN: Well to take us up to the break we've got Ball Hinkley on the line, a local entrepreneur to talk to us about his uh, perfume business.

{graphic: Let's Go to the Phones} {graphic caption: ON THE PHONE: Ball Hinkley - Local Business Owner}

BALL HINKLEY: Y-yeah that's right! Glad to be here uh, Graham and Alex!

BIG G-MONEY: Thanks for joining us Ball, uh if I can call you that.

BALL HINKLEY: Ah that's my first name, it's what my parents named me. I keep having to prove it in court.

BIG G-MONEY: Don't need to know about it.

A-TRAIN: What kinda products you got uh, for us today?

BALL HINKLEY: I'm making my own organic perfumes!

A-TRAIN: Outta what?

BALL HINKLEY: I'm makin' it outta things I find on the ground and in my backyard. Here, take a whiff of this!

{rustling sounds}

A-TRAIN: Uh, reminding you sir, that you are _on_ the line and not _in_ the studio.

BIG G-MONEY: Ball can you please stop rubbing things on your phone, it is creating noise.

{rustling stops}

BALL HINKLEY: Oh right, sorry no, I got one of them new iPhones I thought they could do everything.

BIG G-MONEY: So you make this organic perfume from things you find in your backyard you said?

BALL HINKLEY: That's right!

BIG G-MONEY: What part of town do you live in?

BALL HINKLEY: I live in Sump Acres!

A-TRAIN: East or west?

BALL HINKLEY: I live in East Sump Acres! But I still pay the same property tax as everybody else.

A-TRAIN: You poor bastard.

BIG G-MONEY: _Describe_ some of your perfumes please, Ball.

BALL HINKLEY: Alright, this one here: {sound of sniffing deeply} it smell like Vanilla Muskrat. This one: {sound of sniffing deeply} ohhhh, sh-{censor bleep}-t smell like a cap gun!

BIG G-MONEY: Wh- if I can rewind for a sec there Ball, {laughter in background} uh what, what is Vanilla Muskrat?

BALL HINKLEY: It's _sensual_ vanilla, mixed sensual muskrat!

A-TRAIN: I don't know what we expected for an answer.

BIG G-MONEY: It's more sensual than I was expecting!

BALL HINKLEY: You use it to flavour your coochie.

BIG G-MONEY: Excuse me?!

BALL HINKLEY: It's what I been making it for. 'S all sorts of womens out there that need help with their coochie!

BIG G-MONEY: Ball, I think we need to stop talking to you.

BALL HINKLEY: I got lots of scents for the coochie! Hang on a second, gonna go through my box.

{rummaging sound}

BIG G-MONEY: Ball.

BALL HINKLEY: Alright, I've got Wet Wool, I've got...

BIG G-MONEY: {overlapping} Ball!

A-TRAIN: {overlapping} Ball.

BALL HINKLEY: Dust Finger, I've got Mixed-Up Ladder.

BIG G-MONEY: Ball?

A-TRAIN: Ball!

BIG G-MONEY: Mr. Hinkley.

BALL HINKLEY: I've got The Creep, I've got...

A-TRAIN: The, the button's stuck.

BALL HINKLEY: Ray Romano!

BIG G-MONEY: What is Ray Romano?!

A-TRAIN: He's a comedian, he had that sitcom.

BIG G-MONEY: What does it _smell_ like?

A-TRAIN: {amused} I don't know, I've never met him!

BIG G-MONEY: I wasn't talking-! You know, forget it!

BALL HINKLEY: Smells like the best coochie ya ever put your nose in!

BIG G-MONEY: Of course it does.

{sound of a phone hanging up, followed by a dial tone}

BIG G-MONEY: And goodbye, Ball Hinkley. Thank you so much for joining us on the show, Qwerpline: always of fan of supporting local businesses. When we come back, the local Girl Scouts have come up with a new unique fundraising initiative!

A-TRAIN: They've got guns.

BIG G-MONEY: And the mayor's office is pleased to announce the last of the raccoons have finally been pulled out of the communal pool just in time for the summer season and we'll be sending Intern Derek down there to get a final raccoon count.

A-TRAIN: Here's hoping we break last year's record!

BIG G-MONEY: No kidding, I got 405 in the pool.

A-TRAIN: It was you?!

BIG G-MONEY: No, the office pool.

A-TRAIN: {becoming distant} We have a pool?!

{sound of footsteps dashing away}

BIG G-MONEY: {calling after him} We sure don't, Alex! {back towards the mic} Uhh, everyone else, please stay tuned for more Qwerpline. Coming back after this short break.

ANNOUNCER: Thanks again to our sponsor Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss!

{graphic: sponsor logo}

ANNOUNCER: Delicious candy floss, made from all natural sphagnum moss. It's Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss. If you liked it with sauce, try it without!

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