Lemon Flavored Goodness Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Lemon Flavored Goodness

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, the free elephant enforcement department and directory of umpires, midgets, and policemen. I'm the Best Boy, Graham. Joining me this week, the key grip, Kathleen,

Kathleen: {MIMING A CRAB'S CLAWS} Pinch pinch! Like a crab!

Graham: And the director of photography, Alex.

Alex: {POINTING} Bring the 2K in, bounce it, go for the prime lens, and can it 45 degrees. {CAMERA TILTS} 'Kay.

Graham: And now for a bomb of information, it's time for some nukes.

{TITLE: IT'S TIME FOR SOME NUKES/NEWS}

Graham: The world's association of camel scientists, which is apparently a thing, is fighting back against Australian plans for cull wild dromedaries because they're flatulence contributes to global warming.

Kathleen: Remember that Mad Max movie where they harnessed the methane of pigs? They're going about this all wrong! They take those dromedaries, they put them into some sort of... dromedary pit, if I remember my Mad Max correctly, and then harness them, and then have THUNDER DOME! It would be brilliant!

Graham: Dromedary pit is my Men at Work cover band.

Alex: Two humps enter, one hump leaves!

Graham: What's a better way to celebrate the 4th of July than entering a hot dog eating contest? Why, winning the ten thousand dollar grand prize by eating sixty-two in ten minutes!

As happened on Coney Island. In case you actually care about context.

Kathleen: You know what, I don't care what you people say, Kobayashi is the true champ! He set a sixty-nine hot dog record! He blew that chump out of the water! By seven hot dogs! But you know why nobody's talking about him? Because he refuses to sign a contract with Big Eating!

Which is true.

Alex: So let me get this straight. There's different echelons in professional gluttoneering that exist in this world?

Kathleen: Yeah, it's actually like a big like controversy on like the professional eating circuit is that Kobayashi refused to be, like, uh... hemmed into these long-term contracts so they could manage all his appearances and took a fee out of his prize winnings.

He's like the Japanese rogue of the professional eating world.

Alex: So let me get this straight. He wants to stay true to his indie roots of stuffing his gob with tons of meat.

Kathleen: You know there's actually technique to it. They dip the hotdog buns in water to make them go down easier so all they have to chew is the meat and not the big, squishy bread.

I don't know what's sadder: the fact that there is all this competitive eating in this world, or that I know so much about the competitive eating circuit. {LOOKS AT CAMERA} That's for you to decide, viewers.

Alex: Meanwhile, hungry people everywhere: {FLIPS OFF THE CAMERA A MILLION TIMES}

Graham: And now for a segment I made up while walking here. I call it: Alex reacts.

Alex: Wait, what?

{TITLE: ALEX REACTS. VOICE OVER: HIS NAME IS ALEX AND HE REACTS TO... STUFF. (I DIDN'T AGREE WITH THIS ACTUALLY}

Graham: I'm going to read a story from Reuters verbatim, and Alex is going to act it out.

Graham: {OFF CAMERA} Flights at John F. Kennedy international airport were delayed shortly on Wednesday when a hundred and fifty diamond back terrapin turtles were spotted crossing a runway. The reptiles were trying to get to the other side of the runway to lay eggs on the sandy shore of the Jamaica Bay wildlife refuge, which borders the airport. Ron Marcico, a spokesman for the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, which oversees operations of the region's airports... uh... uh... said that they halted their flights to let the expectant reptiles pass. Flight delays attributed to the turtles were minor. About fifteen minutes or so. At one point, we decided to heed mother nature and use other runways. This is not a pacting... impacting flights.

{ALEX MIMES ALL THESE THINGS}

Kathleen: {APPLAUDS, CRIES}

Graham: Now it's not all going to be weird fluids, but the Dump Truck has brought us something this week.

{TITLE: DUMP TRUCK}

Alex: {DRINKS FROM A YELLOW CAN} {SMACKS LIPS} Yeah this is Rockstar Recovery. I guess it's the sort of Methadone to... uh, their regular products.

So when life gave Rockstar lemons, they decided to skullfuck the lemons, and then sell the drippings in a can.

It kinda tastes like lemons fornicating on my tongue, only getting really awkward after and leaving each other strange voice messages.

Kathleen: {HOLDING HAND UP AS PHONE} Yeah, like, I had a really good time, and, I know we're second cousins, but, you know, if you wanted to hook up again later... {BREATHES INTO PHONE HAND}

{SNIFFS CAN} {GAGS}

{SNIFFS CAN} {GAGS}

{SNIFFS CAN} It smells like cold Neocitrin.

{TAKES DRINK} {NASTY FACE} UGH! It really does taste like lemon incest. {GAGS}

Graham: Russia has decided to make a policy change for its police officers. You fat? You fired!

Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} {IN FAKE RUSSIAN ACCENT} Comrade! You fat like glorious American Piggy! You off team!

{WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT, WITH SOMETHING STUFFED UNDER HIS SHIRT} {IN FAKE RUSSIAN ACCENT} IS NOT FAT, is enormous water retention from drinking too much vodka!

{WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT, EXCITED} OH MY GOD GUYS, I found the one accent I can do: Russian!

Graham: A wayward baboon-

Kathleen: Wait! I've got news! Prince William and Katherine, Duchess of Cambridge are in CANADA! They were in Ottowa, and now they're in PEI, and by the time this airs they'll be in Calgary!

Alex: ...and?

Kathleen: I just think Kate Middleton is super cool! Like, I don't know what's wrong with my, like, female brain, but there's some sort of neuron that's misfired and I just love her unconditionally. Not gonna lie.

Alex: So, if it appeared on the news that she had stabbed a homeless person to death with a crack pipe and smoked his innards...

Kathleen: SHE'S A PRINCESS!

Alex: Hello Kathleen! Would you like to join me in my orphan blood jacuzzi?

Kathleen: Is that how you stay so thin and your skin is sooo lovely! Can I touch your hair?

Alex: Actually I just transmit my soul to a new host once every six months. {CACKLES EVILY}

Kathleen: {TO THE TUNE OF RULE BRITANIA} Rule Britannia, la la la la la la! {WAVES ARMS}

Graham: OK so now no one gets to hear about the baboons, so I hope you're happy. In Brussels, a thirteen year old boy and his mom made off with eight hundred dollars worth of Smurf toys before they were caught.

Kathleen: Why? {CONFUSED}

Alex: If I was going to make off with eight hundred dollars worth of merchandise, I would make damn sure it was all Miku plushies {HOLDS UP MIKU PLUSHIE}

Kathleen: And he would put them up his butt.

Alex: {WAVING DOLL BACK AND FORTH} {WEIRD JAPANESE} Yukkuri shitte ite ne!

Graham: I don't know what you two are doing, but you don't get to anymore. Um, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON RED DIAMOND CROWN} this ill-fitting hat.

Kathleen: {EXCITED} YOU'RE A KING! {CLAPS HANDS} Do you know Kate Middleton?!

Alex: {PLAYING WITH MIKU DOLL} {SINGING LEEKSPIN SONG SOFTLY} Ya tsa tsa- i pa da da deebie deebie deet da da...

Graham: {STARING INTO CAMERA} Aaaaaaaah

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} And now everybody in Russia hates us!

Alex: {OFF CAMERA, LAUGHING} Dammit!