All The Little People

I don't know what you're talking about, why do you ask?

Vital Statistics

Date: September 1, 2008

Category: Shorts

Appearing: Graham, Matt, Paul

Writing: Paul

Shooting: Paul, James, Graham

Sound: Jer

Editing: Graham

Synopsis

Paul is hiding something under his ridiculous hat, a tiny family of somethings in fact.

Transcript

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Episode

Graham: "On principle, I refuse to answer that question."

Matt: "That's because you're a wuss."

Graham: "No, it's because it's a stupid question about something that will never happen."

Matt: "Yeah, that's what hypothetical means. So, hypothetically, would you?"

Graham: "Okay fine. Hypothetically. If Goro from Mortal Kombat existed AND if, instead of being a seven-foot-tall giant with four arms capable of ripping a man in half with his bare hands, he were instead a petite Asian chick, then YES, I could see that there could be a chance I might potentially want to hit that."

Matt: "Ha ha! I knew it, you are so gay for Goro."

Graham: "There's...got to be a more constructive way for you to spend your time. Don't you have, like, a WALL of video games to beat?"

{Paul enters, wearing a ridiculously large, neon green-and-black tiger-print hat, and speaking like he has something to hide}

Paul: "Oh, hey guys...how's it going?"

{Matt holds up the picture of Goro}

Matt: "Hey Paul, guess who Graham's new boyfriend is!"

Paul: "Hahaha! That's hilarious! Ahh...the idea that Graham is a homosexual is humorous in its unexpectedness! It is also completely unrelated to my hat, which is totally unremarkable."

Graham: "Yeah, now that you mention it...what's with the hat?"

Paul: {accusingly} "What hat!?"

Matt: "...the one on your head."

Paul: "Oh! This hat! Oh. I wouldn't pay any attention to it. It's really not very interesting."

Graham: "Well, okay, um...did you wan--"

Paul: "I'm certainly not hiding a family of tiny people on my head!"

Matt: "B--what?"

Paul: "Exactly! I mean, the very idea! Tiny people hiding on somebody who isn't me's head. It's just ridiculous! I mean...tiny..pfft!"

Graham: "How is it that we started talking about this?"

Paul: "I don' know! You're the one who was all obsessed about tiny people living on my head! Frankly, I'm insulted that you would even joke about that."

Matt: "Heh, it would be pretty funny, though. Like, where would they go to the bathroom?"

Paul: "Oh...uh...ooh...I have to go now...because...I have a fire...stuck...in my pants..."

{Paul turns and flees from the room}

Paul: "I'll save you a piece!"

Graham: "Did he seem...odd...to you?"

Matt: "No more than usual...HEY! Stop trying to distract the world from your torrid fantasy-love-affair with a giant multi-armed monster-man!"

Graham: "You're a weird guy, Matt."

{Cut to Paul sitting at Graham's desk, setting up doll furniture.}

Paul: "All right, I'm still looking for the rest of the stuff, but this should be enough to get you guys started. Now remember: if you have to take a crap, go over to Graham's toothbrush, and then--"

{Graham steps into the doorway}

Graham: "Hey Paul?"

{Paul sweeps the doll furniture into his lap}

Paul: "Yeah hi! Hi-ho-how's-where...what...what do you...what...what...hi."

Graham: "...what are you doing in here?"

Paul: {accusingly} "What are YOU doing in here?"

Graham: "...this is my room. You don't even live here."

Paul: {accusingly} "Maybe YOU don't live here!"

Graham: "...pretty sure I do, actually."

Paul: "But...maybe...oh..." {sighs} "All right...I guess my tangled web of lies is starting to unravel. I've got something to tell you. You may want to sit down."

Graham: "I...think I'd rather stand. Near the door."

Paul: "All right, but be warned: this may be more shocking than your carnal pleasures at the myriad hands of your ogre stud-monkey."

Graham: "I'm prepared."

Paul: "I have a family of tiny people living on my head."

Graham: "No, you don't."

Paul: "Yes I do! I think I know tiny people living on my head when I see it!"

Graham: "...Paul, do you remember when you walked on your hands for two weeks because you thought your big toe had achieved sentience?"

Paul: "How else do you explain that unique series of grooves on my hangnail!? And besides, this time I have indisputable proof--stand back!"

{Paul removes the hat, revealing nothing on his head}

Graham: "So...these tiny people on your head, they're...microscopic, is that it?"

Paul: "What? No! Edgar and Susan are like, this tall," {holds his fingers about an inch and a half apart} "and their kids are like, this tall..." {holds his fingers about half an inch apart} "...but you know, kids at that age. They grow like weeds."

Graham: "I'm not seeing anything."

{Paul feels the top of his head}

Paul: "Where did they go!?"

Graham: "There was never anything THERE."

Paul: "Well...well maybe they jumped to someone else!"

Graham: "Paul, you and I both know this was all just an excuse to wear that ridiculously silly hat, right?"

Paul: "Well but...but may...I...I guess you're right." {puts the hat back on} "It's a pretty great hat, though, isn't it?"

Graham: "Yeah, sure, whatever."

{Matt enters with a dollhouse taped to his head}

Matt: "Hey guys, come out here. I just downloaded Mortal Kombat on the PS3 and I wanna make Graham my bitch. Using his bitch."

{Graham and Paul look at Matt, then at each other}

Matt: "...what?"

Graham & Paul: "Oh, nothing. Nothing."

Trivia

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