Hot Tub Amusement Park Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Hot Tub Amusement Park

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

{THIS ENTIRE EPISODE TAKES PLACE NOT IN THE MOONBASE, BUT IN A HOTTUB. GRAHAM, MATT, AND CAM ARE SHIRTLESS. LEELEE IS WEARING A BATHING SUIT}

Graham: And now, live from Mt. Washington, it's Hot Dump. Joining me this week are the knights of the round tub-ble: Sir Percival of the chlorine dispenser,

Cam: {HOLDING UP CHLROINE DISPENSER} Vaguely grail-shaped?

Graham: Sir Lancelot of the Bubbly Jets,

Matt: My shorts are inflating.

Graham: And Lady Guine-beer.

LeeLee: {DRINKS BEER}

Graham: And we all in a hot tub!

{TITLE: AND WE ALL IN A HOT TUB/BALLER}

Graham: Dateline: Rio. In event of this year's Carnival, the city is employing thousands of pee-patrol members to spot and detain those who urinate in public during Carnival.

LeeLee: Only during Carnival? Shouldn't that be all the time?

Matt: Were all these peespotters employed by the police department? Does that make them officers of the... PEE-ce?

Cam: I'm gonna need your beer bottle. {LEELEE LAUGHS OFF SCREEN}

We could have used some of them the other night when James got into this thing.

Graham: A nineteen year old woman in Germany who was looking for a job was a little dismayed to find out that the German labour office placement officer put her a position waitressing at a brothel.

LeeLee: That was just always my backup plan. I didn't think I'd have to go through an officer to do that.

Matt: Yo dawg, we hear you like getting serviced, so we put service in your service so you can get serviced while you get serviced.

Cam: Well, at least you know you don't have to flirt with the customers for a better tip. They can just go have sex with someone.

Matt: Here's your bill. Now, just the tip. Just the tip.

Cam: I like my women like I like my food: fast, greasy, and mercenary.

LeeLee: That was vivid.

Graham: Pakistan has said they plan to build an amusement park in Abbottabad. Better know to North America as the place Osama Bin Laden was killed.

Cam: Is the water slide on the USS Carl Vincent?

Matt: In place of the bouncy castle, they've installed an inflatable Osama's compound.

Cam: Have they filled in the tunnel network underneath Tora Bora with balls?

Matt: Curiously, the location for this theme park is also less than a mile away from Pakistan's military training school.

Cam: Will there be a drone strike-themed teacup ride?

LeeLee: Then all we can hope for is that the arcade is not full of flight simulators.

Cam: Ooh! And media circus!

Graham: A boy and a girl from South El Monte High school in Los Angeles had to be rushed to ER after, during a vigorous game of tug-of-war, their fingers were ripped off.

LeeLee: Wait, so if each team lost a finger, does that just make it a tie???

Graham: I'm assuming when they say tug-of-war, they actually mean Chinese finger puzzle, and it just... GOT OUT OF HAND.

LeeLee: And they always yelled at me for cutting gym in high school. {SHOWS OFF HANDS TO CAMERA} Who's laughing now?!

Matt: What were they playing tug-of-war with?! Piano wire?!

Graham: To clarify, a boy and a girl from opposing teams each had a finger ripped off, and they were surgically reattached. They should be OK.

Cam: {WITHOUT HIS GLASSES} What, the losers get healthcare? Thanks Obama!

Graham: I did not initially understand this headline: {HOLDING IPHONE IN A PLASTIC BAG} Hong Kong aims at smugglers in bid to stop run on baby formula milk. {BEAT} It turns out that they're trying to introduce measures to cut the luggage allowance on trains so that people don't come into the city, buy up tons of produce, in this case baby formula, and take off with it.

Matt: It's the great rain baby formula caper.

Cam: {HOLDING BROWN MUG} Filthy peasants, trying to feed their infants!

LeeLee: I can see this chase right now! Train barrelling down the track, baby formula EVERYWHERE

Cam: {HOLDING BROWN MUG} But is the police shoot-out being filmed by John Woo, or Benny Hill?

Matt: Either way: first in line.

Cam: {WITH LUMP OF SNOW ON HIS HEAD} How long were we supposed to stay in a hot tub again?

Matt: {TAKES OFF GLASSES} My glasses keep fogging up.

LeeLee: {HOLDS UP HANDS} Yeah, I have prune hands.

Graham: Yeah, we should probably get out of here. Uh, and, and so concludes this wet, hot dump. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS CHUNK OF SNOW ON HEAD} this hat. Which is keepin' me nice and cool. Yeaaaah. This hat is a chunk of snow. Mm-hmm. {BEAT} That is chilly.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {HOLDING UP FINGERS AS THOUGH THEY'RE IN A FINGERTRAP} {OFFSCREEN, LEELEE AND MATT SHOUT "AAAUGH"} {GRAHAM SHAKES HIS HEAD} Not intended!

{ALL LAUGH}

Graham: Not intentional.

Matt: CUT!

Cam: In the snow bank...